Archives for March 2011

30Mar

I Do Not Suffer Betrayal Well

It always hurts my feelings to be betrayed, Always.  You would think that a 52 year old woman would have been betrayed every which way but Sunday – I haven’t, I’m still learning.  When you look at me and you smile and then you turn away from me and tell your friend that you do not like me or that I am ugly and I dress funny, I call that betrayal.  And, it hurts.

29Mar

Advice to the World Weary

So my friends ask me how do you meet men and then…how do you keep a man?  I do not believe that it has anything to do with looks.  I don’t believe that pretty women have more men than ugly or fat women.  I think meeting and keeping men is an internal construct that has a lot to do with how you see yourself and what you believe about yourself.  There are two key beliefs that you must have in order to meet men and keep men.

Number one is this: I love falling in love, I love being in love and I love staying in love.  These are three different processes and require three different ways of being.  Number two is this: your internal construct of yourself must be someone who can be a part of a couple.  If you are a lone ranger, then you cannot be part of a couple, if you are a maniacal diva, you cannot be part of a couple.  Plain and simple, you must be able to see yourself as part of a two.

Number one, falling in love: the first person you must fall in love with is yourself.  You must know that you are beautiful and that you have the best traits that you believe you should have.  Be aware of all about you that is lovely, profound, and clever.  What you do have must be identified and applauded.  Dig out all the information that you can dig out about you and then consciously appreciate it.  By appreciating yourself, you become capable of giving yourself in your full glory to someone else.  See this: I love falling, being and staying in love.  Note that I say I love… these are all things that I want to do.  You must consciously say I want to love, if you want to meet a man and keep a man.  You must make a commitment to the process if it is something that you really want in your life.

Number two, your internal construct must be congruent with being in a couple.  If you are fiercely independent, is there really room in your life for a man?  If you are a diva; is there really room in your life for anyone else besides yourself?  Do you feel good about yourself?  Can you give your goodness to someone else?  Are you available to caring for yourself enough to be loved?  You can only have another if you are willing to be loved, and you can only be willing if you firmly believe that you are worth being loved.  It’s not an easy row to hoe.  I say love, which is the most rewarding experience there is, is also one of the most difficult.  You must be a willing heart who believes in love.  You must also believe in yourself.  Can you?  Do you?

21Mar

Fairness is a Human Construct

Humans are not very good at it.  The universe is ignorant to the existence of fairness and so – fairness does not exist very much.

16Mar

He Brought His Grief With Him

He brought his grief with him.  He apologized for interrupting me.  He was completely unconscious of his thoughts and emotions.  I think that he believed that if he could control the universe that is visible to him that he could ultimately control his universe.  He brought his grief with him.  It weighed heavily in the air and when he sat across from me I could feel my chest contract and the breathlessness followed.  My eyes teared up as if it was my own grief.  He told me that people did not understand.  I do not wish to feel his grief but it pervades the atmosphere like humidity, it is heavy and its weight is laying on all of the surfaces in my office.  The round conference table stands between us and I am grateful for its presence.  The conference table stands as an anchor to reality in a world where people die and spiritual things happen which have no physical explanation.

He tells me again that “people do not understand, they think I am taking this too well.”  I am thinking to myself that I do not see how anyone could mistake this man’s grief.  How could anyone not see how heavily his grief lays upon all things?  As this man walks, his grief precedes him.  I am thinking that he apologizes for interrupting me, but he should apologize for bringing his grief with him.  As he speaks to me, I feel his grief.  My eyes tear up.  Then I remember my own mother’s death, there are no specifics and no details, it is simply a matter of the grief.  He speaks to me some more and his words are not important.  Again I feel my eyes burning; it hurts to be near him.  I wish for him to go away.  I know that there are things that I may do to help him, but first he must go away.  I will help him when my intellect returns to replace my grief – my grief that is his grief.

08Mar

Hush

If you have been talking for so long that you forgot the point, let me just tell you, you have been talking for too long.

03Mar

Going to the Gym

He: “I’m going to the gym tomorrow.”

She: “What?  Really?  I thought we were going to do those things together.”

He: “Well you can come, I need to get started back and I didn’t know what you would want.”

She: “I want to come; I thought we were doing these things together.”

He: “Please come, you can come.”

The next morning:

He: “So, we are going to the gym tonight, be ready after work.”

She: “Why are you trying to boss me?  I’m not going to the gym tonight.”

01Mar

Yesterday

I did my best to be stunning yesterday but, you you are always so shockingly beautiful…  I hoped that I conveyed joy and acceptance with my eyes.  I thought so because your hug was all of the response that would tell me how you are now.