Archives for January 2014

31Jan

Honesty: Where Is It?

This past week has been a bit jarring for me.  Coincidentally my daughter is having a crisis about honesty.  My issue is that I have been in meetings with many, many people and it appears that several of them have an issue with their memories and with honesty.

Don’t get me wrong, my memory is not the greatest.  I actually like to do brain exercises and puzzles to keep “working out” my brain to stave off memory loss.  I am definitely not saying that I remember everything.

Here is the problem: one woman that I am acquainted with completely changed a story about an occurrence that happened eight months ago that I was a witness to.  She completely fabricated a whole new story, and of course, she looked much better in her fabricated story than she looked in the incident that I witnessed.

It puts me in mind of a book that I read Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why we Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts, the authors are Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson, I remembered Carol Tavris as an author from my undergraduate sociology classes, so I knew that the book would be factually based and not just another novel.

 

 

Problem Continues: a second person did it later in the week in a meeting.  This person completely fabricated a new story to change perceptions of her previous actions.  She contrived a story that portrayed her as a victim rather than as a perpetrator.  This person is a well known perpetrator.  She changed her story, she changed her behavior, she changed it all, and again, it was an occurrence that I witnessed and knew was false.

All of it was quite ugly.  Sometimes, when I am completely frustrated, I shut down because I do not wish to yell at people and call them ugly.  I did have to confront person number one, because her assertions were causing problems with another person.

For me, it is quite important not to become someone who must continually fabricate reality in order to be okay with who I am.  The way that I accomplish this is to be present in every single moment that I can be present – and also – I find that I must acknowledge mistakes and forgive myself for making them.  If I do not forgive myself, I find that later, I am bumbling around trying to make sense of a memory – “I didn’t do anything wrong!”  Of course, that’s when the fabricating begins.

In the mean time, I think that if you care about someone, you can let them know that they are fabricating reality, however!  If you are letting them know that you believe they are not honest and you are doing it because you believe yourself to be right and them to be wrong – then you are really not doing anything productive.  You might also be harming your relationship with the person.  Being right means that someone must be wrong, and I promise, as this book will demonstrate, people will go to almost any lengths to prove how right they are.

So to my lovely daughter who may speak the truth that no one wishes to hear – sometimes, it is not worth the effort, or the emotion given over to the human being who is fabricating their life.  Don’t invest your passion into those people, let them go.

29Jan

Poor Sophia

All first borns have to suffer their parents’ overzealous Love –

“Poor Little Baby”

28Jan

I am Always Suspicious of…

Humans who only have relationship with animals.  Think about it, cats, dogs and horses cannot talk back or tell on anyone.  They will do pretty much what the human tells them to do.

Humans can do what they want (all kinds of bad things) with their animals and no one punishes the human unless what bad they do, is known.  The other thing that bothers me about this arrangement is what does it say about a person when the only being that a person can live with and get along with is an animal that cannot talk back or otherwise disagree with the person?

20Jan

Into Each Life Must Come its Share of Sorrow

When I woke up on New Year’s day, I immediately, but quietly began crying.  The big tears ran down my face as I lay there contemplating my grief.  My daughters would be returning to their home states and I faced another year of living without them.  It seemed a bit more than I could bear.

Today is the anniversary of the last day I spent with my mother before she got sick and passed away.  It was Martin Luther King Day in 1996 and coincidentally we were both off from work and she went shopping with me while I looked for a new car.  Within six weeks of that day my mother was gone.  I have always been grateful for that day,  How Lucky I am to have had a day of smiles and laughter with my mother before she got sick.  My mother was a loving woman and because she brought acceptance to every new experience, I have always felt peace and completion about our relationship.

On this date in 2007, my children’s father died of his one and only heart attack.  He was young and it was ridiculous because he was alone and though on the phone with me (50 miles away) and then with our youngest son, almost to the last second of his life he insisted that he had a bad case of indigestion.  How angry I was with him for not telling us that his chest hurt!

In both situations, my family experienced the “awful delay”.

Stopping your life to deal with your grief about losing a loved one is the awful delay.

It is no wonder that I face January and even February with a bit of trepidation.  While mom actually passed away on Valentine’s Day, our last day happily together is the line of demarcation between what was and never to be again.

Today, my husband and I will be driving 120 miles round trip to see my youngest son, his partner and their new daughter Sophia Ella, who is named after her paternal grandmother.  Once again I am very, very grateful.  Life ends; and yet always, always, life begins again.  How lucky am I to be able to know and experience these things?

15Jan

David Cain of Raptitude writes:

Please look at his blog: http://www.raptitude.com/

Here is what he writes about Acceptance:

The reflexive internal discussion about what ought to be happening is usually an unwelcome distraction. It prevents acceptance. We should always be aiming for real-time acceptance of all developments, to the extent that it is possible.

There will be things you will be unable to accept: harm coming to your family, serious medical prognoses, and in these cases the more automatic parts of your brain take over anyway. But that does not change the ideal — accepting everything that happens, as it happens. Whether or not you are able to do it, it always puts you in a stronger position. If there is an exception to this, it’s when there is immediate physical danger and adrenaline will refuse to let you reach real-time acceptance.

There is liberation in this sameness, because you begin to inhabit a world in which there is only one kind of happening: the kind you will deal with in whatever way you are able. This mostly eliminates the heart-wringing cycle of need and hope, which places you at the mercy of circumstance much more than you have to be.

David Cain, I could not have said it better myself, from Johanna Baynard and David Parker, Thank you for sharing 🙂

14Jan

Challenges with Acceptance

(12/18/13) Each time I have an awareness about something that is unfair, or about bad or uncaring behavior that is aimed at me, I get angry and it takes me awhile to get over it.  I want someone(!) to recognize how I have been wronged by people.  I want someone to see the hardship that I am going through.

I have become aware of this need to have someone be aware and to sympathize with me over every single little hardship that I have in my life.  I want to remember so that when someone asks me for something, I can say – no, no, you did this to me!  I will not help you or sympathize, but for real, you did bad first, so now I am entitled to do bad for you.

 I want a new existence that does not require me to feel upset about perceived unfairness.

(1/14/14) I want an equanimity that allows me to accept – in real time – what is actually occurring.  It may not be alright, it may not be fair, it may be insensitive, yet I do not wish to spend time feeling upset, angry and hurt.  These are things that challenge me.

09Jan

Bring It In

Everything is not valuable to you.

– It may be inherently valuable.

– But not to you.

By having limits, you can free up time and energy.

08Jan

It is the job of my home to take tender care of me while I work and thrive in the world…

To this end; my home must be all of what I need and want to feel comfortable.

02Jan

Thank You Bridget and Tebey!

01Jan

Nashville 1-1-14

My husband is the perennial positive thinker and yet somehow he manages to maintain his cynicism, it is an odd paradox.  (I digress, he sits beside me, editing me – that is why I digress.)

We rented a house in Nashville, TN because my daughters live impossibly far, one in Kansas City with husband and two sons and one in Norfolk, Virginia with just the two sons.  There are four boys under the age of four.  It’s somewhat like being in a very crowded room with someone yelling at you at all times.  My family has been changing, admittedly, it’s been going on for five years now, but we do not change easily.

Our separation from each other grieves us; we did not know that the distance would be so great.  We did not know that our calendars would be so full and so demanding and that would leave us lonely for each other.

So here it is New Year’s 2014 and we separate again today.  For just this moment I want to say thank you to Bridget and Tebey; they gave us their home for the week and for that, my large and inconvenient family could be together.  We loved, we cried, we argued and we chased small boys for five days, worth every single moment.  And for this, I thank you Bridget and Tebey for helping us to make it possible to keep our family together while the impossible distance threatens to engulf us.  You are everything we wish to be; generous, open and caring souls who feel better when helping others and when loving each other.