The Kind of Woman I Cannot Be…

What happens when you are faced with a person who embodies all of the things that you have been taught are wrong?

I do not condemn women who are manipulative and indirect in their communications.  I believe that it has been and continues to be an evolutionary imperative.  Women (with very few exceptions) have always been dominated and often by those who are careless of their wants and desires.  In this environment, it has always been far safer for a woman to keep her peace and find her own means of gaining what she needs and wants.

Our history tells us that if a woman disagreed with the men around her, she could be beat, tortured and in some cases, even killed.  I was taught to make my own way, to not depend on a man for my own sustenance.  My mother role modeled independence and the direct way to get there.  She did not appreciate indirect communication, if you wanted something, please say it.  If your desire was not a popular idea, it doesn’t mean your desire should be abandoned, it means you can re-evaluate, including others input, but you do not change your mind because ‘another’ has told you to change your mind.  I was taught to be direct, which leaves very little room for the fine art of manipulation.

Many women I know did not have the benefit of a strong and direct mother.  It seems that the alternative to being direct, indirectness, teaches us to be manipulative.  Often, there is a very good reason for manipulation.  Often, being manipulative turns into a default zone that a person operates in.  Over a period of time, this personality can become unable to be direct and even honest.  For some relationships this can be a satisfactory state, but for business relationships, it can be disastrous.  What happens when you have been taught to rethink commitments, and change agreements to suit yourself?  In most business environments this kind of thinking will damage relationships, particularly relationships with a boss or supervisor.

The other part to this indirect and manipulative personality style is a feature of secretiveness.  Sometimes, even often, the secrets are unnecessary, yet there is a piece to secrecy that can make one feel powerful.  Practicing secrecy is the hallmark of this personality style.  Secrecy, when recognized, can make those around you feel very uncomfortable.

The alternative, direct communication, can cause disruption and create confrontation.  “Can”, but not always, often the direct personality style is assertive and possibly aggressive.  It’s important to delineate between direct communication that can be confrontative; and aggressiveness, as aggressiveness only causes the indirect person to become more manipulative and secretive.  Aggressive people just want their will to be done.  Direct communicators are not necessarily focused on their own will.

So it is that my entire lifetime, I thought that the manipulative woman was somehow “less than”.  I do not respect this woman and I cannot communicate with her as she is completely unreliable.  How do you have a relationship with a woman such as she?  Yet, on the other hand, it is the evolutionary imperative, necessary for survival in a world where everyone is larger and harsher than you.  Where is the balance?  And how do you navigate when dealing with those who may be damaged?

I don’t know.



A Letter to my Grandsons: (There will be more.)

Be aware of the primal part of you, being aware allows you to have some control over the primal animal that lives within.

Sex is necessary and good, hopefully you will meet others who believe the same thing.  Acknowledging the presence of something reduces the power of that thing.

Life needs to be out in the open.  Secrets are a tool of control and almost always inappropriate.  Witness the epiphany of the early part of the 21st century, understanding what people were really doing was an instrumental feature of justice.

Make decisions and change those decisions when necessary, clarity and flexibility are fantastic attributes to have.

Love your family and treat them as your faith tells you.  Not all members of your family will honor you.  There will be times when they will treat you badly.  Decide wisely how you will live with your family.

Giving is a gift unto itself.  Don’t expect anything in return for your gifts.

Acceptance of you is one of the most important things that you will ever do.  By accepting yourself, you stop all enemies from gaining leverage via your self esteem.  “Yes, I know I have that fault, dastardly isn’t it?”  Or “yes, I am aware that it is more popular to like the color white, however, I like the color brown.”

What is the collective unconscious?  What is natural knowing?  What is instinct?  These are all questions in which you will be part of the answer.  Be aware of the universe, your awareness will serve you well in life.  Religious dogma has not served humans for centuries.  However, kinship and fellowship are found in churches and synagogues; use them to keep yourself and your family well.

Do not be that old angry man.  Bitterness is anger that hardens into a stiffness that cannot be softened.  Do not be that.  You should know that in the end what matters is how you decide to live.  Bitterness is an angry decision that must be renewed every day.  Decide not to be that and not to have that in your life.

If you do not know what drives your anger and pain, find out.  If you don’t do that, then relinquish.  Hanging onto your anger and pain is the most awful decision that you can ever make.  Discover, relinquish and then banish that which hurts you and angers you.

Your chosen journey is as good and as necessary as anyone else’s.  Don’t allow any devaluation of you.

Protect and love others: just as you cannot allow yourself to be devalued, do not allow others to be devalued.  In your presence, all must be equally valued.


The New Religion

It's About You


Memes are the new Religion

Love InsideGod that you are.


The Business Meeting and the Ego

My world and you need to change to fit it…

Why do some folks believe that the world should change to suit them?  They mire themselves in secret authority to try to convince the world that they alone know what is right and correct in all processes?

When confronted, you may ask them “you would like for ‘them’ to change the process so that your job is easier, but why should they?”  The culprit will flail around with righteousness, “doesn’t everyone see how correct I am?  Doesn’t everyone see that I should not need to work this hard?”

Conversations can be so difficult because of the conceptual depths of the conversation.  Sometimes there are so many sub-texts it makes my head spin.  Each person in the room seems desperate to hang onto their own identity and authority.  Each person wants to present themselves as powerful and all-knowing.  Very few in the room are content to listen and observe, those that are will often pose disdainfully, as if the meeting is a huge inconvenience to their own schedule.

Then there is the struggle: the sub-text of US vs. THEM!  Each and every meeting I have been in, over the entire span of my career had this sub-text woven into all of the conversations.  If it was a management meeting, the THEM = staff members and workers, if it was an administrative meeting, the THEM = the program staff.  You can always count on a THEM.

Often, the most pressing reason for this behavior (US vs. THEM) is to establish oneself as blameless; indeed a tremendous amount of energy is used to prove a victim status – if it is at all possible to do.  It’s appalling to see self-respecting managers work so hard to shift blame from themselves to others.  It is well deserved in the case of an authoritarian leader who enjoys blaming her managers.  If you work in such an environment, then pity is well deserved.  And in that case, blame shifting is a necessary means of survival.  However, for the most part, blame shifting is all about preserving my image of myself as an all-knowing and wise person who rarely makes a mistake.  This is the ego at work, and sometimes, I just want to say, “hey, can you bring your entire self to these meetings so that we don’t spend half of our time soothing your egos?”

The point is, how do we ever get down to the task at hand?  I learned a long time ago, to wrap up a meeting with a summary and a specific list of chores.  Sometimes, even this type of reiteration is not enough to jar people into focusing on the real issues rather than their own personal reality.  Therein lies the frustration, getting to the tasks at hand.  I would rather look to the chores that must be done than to have to attend to the myriad of sub-texts that are in the room, sometimes undetected, often unaddressed and always unproductive.


Some Truth for the New Year

Accept yearning in your life, you do NOT have to fulfill every desire.

Everything WILL change, you can’t stop it.

Will this matter in two years?  Study it, look at it, decide it: if it will not matter in two years, save your energy.  Don’t give energy to the unnecessary.

Don’t imagine that anyone is better than you, they are not.  Much of life is luck, you nor they control circumstance.  Some people will have better circumstances, some people will have terrible circumstances.  This is true.

Memories are nice, but they are not now.

Remember that big companies have proven that they do not want to “save you money” and remember that advertising is highly successful because it “makes you think…”  Consequently, beware, if you “buy into” the concepts that Coca Cola is about love and McDonalds is about home and hearth, then you have been fooled and you will buy products that do harm to your body.  The same is true for the “new” big companies including the “Whole Foods Grocery” stores.  It is up to you to take responsibility for researching reality.

Other people’s thoughts and actions are not within your purview, you cannot control other people.  Accept this idea and make decisions from this knowledge.

Doing hurtful things to others is NEVER okay or correct.  Those who do harm must be restrained.


Some Moments Describe Your Life…

No moment defines it.

A moment in time...

A moment in time…


Kim What’s-her-Name (Davis)

Beauty and love come from unusual places.

Beauty and love come from unusual places.

The Kentucky Clerk who believes she is above the law and can behave badly to same sex couples-
I’m not upset by this horrible woman’s horribleness. Others have said it well “haters are gonna hate”! She can be angry and sanctimonious, I don’t care. She is judgmental and reveals her bitterness by voicing her false belief about her own piety. She is not a pious woman, instead she is one who excuses herself and condemns others. This is such a common human practice! Most people will excuse their own behaviors easily with reasons that they hold dear. The same people will say, “oh, look at that bad behavior”, only when observing others!
This is my upset ness: don’t blame yourself on Jesus or on God. You are not behaving badly, meanly to humans, because you are a Christian. Christianity would never advocate for such treatment of others.
Secondly, “why do I have to see you at all? You don’t deserve a news broadcast, I don’t deserve to have to see you.” Better that I never knew about you and your meanness.
“Please, leave Kim What’s-her-Name out of our next news cast, we don’t want to see her meanness anymore.”


Specificity can be a virtue: Vague generalities are the antithesis of clear communication

To understand the virtues of specificity it’s important to understand the constructs of thinking. Thinking is often a product of belief systems. Belief systems live in our minds and like all living creatures want terribly to survive. Unfortunately, the survival of a belief system means the death of all contrary evidence to the belief system. For example, if I am a long-time supervisor who believes that workers are lazy, I will not open my eyes nor acknowledge energetic and motivated individuals on my staff. I will discount their efforts and emphasize every 15 minute break that they take, even during a 12 hour shift. I will be unreasonable in my blind belief that I am correct and workers – are in fact – lazy.
As I communicate from my belief structure, instead of communicating based on what happens right now, I must cover up the contrary evidence that disputes my belief and this I do by being general and vague about the evidence supporting my beliefs. I will say “look at those lazy people, trying to nap during break time!” I will not comprehend that Tom is napping because he has a newborn at home, I will not comprehend that Debbie is napping because she was up all night with an upset stomach. The point of vague generalities is to cover up the truth of what is happening right now. Only evidence to support my belief will be allowed into my comprehension and conversation.
The other issue of generalities is that they lead to great misunderstandings and generate a need for clarification. If you send a memo to all staff that says “your work is incomplete, please complete ASAP.” You are generalizing because perhaps you are unable to specifically confront those who do not complete their work. The staff that has completed their work will wonder if they have forgotten something, the staff that has not completed their work, will know that you are uncomfortable with confrontation and therefore will not be motivated by these generalities. So, in addition to the issue of incomplete work, everyone knows that work completion is negotiable. After all, if you won’t confront the non-performers, only the self-motivated will ever get the work done. Those staff members who motivate themselves will continue to do so. Those staff that cannot finish the work will eventually cause a loss in morality for others and will eventually have to go. There is no productive outcome here, it is one and the same, generalities do not provide clear communication.
Another way to love your belief system is to ignore two way communications completely. Why have a conversation with another person, when you can make it all up in your head rather than reaching out and talking with the other person? Your vague generalities go unnoticed and unchallenged, and isn’t that the best way to be right – about everything?


Shutter Island

He asked “would you rather live as a monster, or die as a good man?” As he walked towards the death of his consciousness.