Fait Accompli

On Monday morning he made fun of her and -it was as if- all of the trying and the striving left her in a big whoosh, like an exhaled breath long held and needing escape.  She no longer wanted to get “things” done; she no longer wanted to be anything other than what she could be.  She thought of all of the times he had made fun of her telling her that she was silly or misinformed or that her preferences were incorrect.  It occurred to her that all of that trying and striving really had brought her to nothing, because he still made fun of her in his sweetly disparaging way.  No matter what she thought about, she couldn’t get any of the trying to get things done, or the striving to be – back.  It was absent: a fait accompli, complete in its non-existence.  So, when it seemed like he could see that her motivation was gone, he made an offer, what could be called a “compromise” and still she could not find the will to care.  To herself, she said “do as you wish” to him, she only grimaced.

No matter what had happened so far in their relationship, it had been an external force operating on them as a couple, suddenly, it was their couple-ness that was operating against them.  She could see that no matter how much struggling you can do to be the ‘perfect whoever you are’, she thought that she personally, could never be enough.  She wondered how that would impact her heretofore perfect couple-ness.

Her life as she had known it had changed so dramatically since she had found him to be her mate.  The part of her that was interested in equality wanted his life to change just as dramatically, but not any of that ever happened and through no fault of his, she was left to drift further and further from the shores of her own happiness.  She could not find the purpose in her life anymore, she who had spent her entire life dedicating herself to her children and to those less fortunate than her.  Her mothering was over and her years as a therapist ripped from her grasp as surely as a cashier takes your money.  She was paid in full with no prize for the effort.

And so, she didn’t care, nothing mattered, so nothing mattered.  The loneliness was upon her.