20Jan

Death unto Life

If you have experienced the death of a loved one, you know what dying means.  We instinctually know that death is the end.  Nothing goes past death.  We can remember, we can believe in heaven and the afterlife.  However, for us, the living, death is the end, life is over.  You get no comfort from your loved one. ever. again.  Your loved one will never touch you, talk to you, smile at you or laugh with you.  It is a daunting reality.  No wonder that we indulge ourselves in denial.  No wonder that we walk around referring to our loved one as if the one is still here and alive.  We cannot, do not accept the absence of the one we love.

As the days and the years run forward, reality rolls on and you experience more and more the absence of your beloved.  You cannot deny the absence as years go by.  You cannot deny the ending of what was once a beloved life.  You must surrender to the ending.  You must surrender to the absence of your loved one.

So many try to pull the life forward, as if pretending the loved one still exists on earth will keep the loved one alive.  I don’t believe that sentimentality helps.  I saved many, many of my mother’s things after my mother died, only to relinquish bit by bit, painfully spreading out the separation.  My grief kept me from living in the present.  I lost myself in the grief.  I just did not want to let go of her.  I mistakenly believed that her things would transmit a piece of her heart to me.  It took a long time to separate her things from her.  It took a long time to know that she really was gone.

I do not wish to have done anything differently, the death of a loved one is ‘life interrupted’.  There is nothing you can do to change the reality of your grief.  

I just know today, that nothing could be different.  Not any amount of bargaining, denying or trying, could make my mother’s death different, nor could it have made my grief different.  My resistance did not change anything.  Hanging onto my mother’s things did not sooth my loss.  My loss was my loss.

Today is the eleventh anniversary of my children’s father dying suddenly of his one and only heart attack.  I hope that my children are not bargaining, denying and resisting the truth of today.  I hope that they can embrace the grief of the day and then walk away from the day.

 

14Oct

It’s a Downer to Hear about the Failures of You

Silly Train, You are not a BoatI don’t want to hear about what you have done wrong.  I don’t want to hear about the mistakes you have made.  They are only ammunition to justify some behavior, somewhere.  Or, perhaps you use those “admissions of truth” to demonstrate that you are, indeed, a good person.  Whatever the reason that you unload your negative self statements on me, I don’t care, just stop it.  It’s a downer to hear how little patience you have with yourself.   It’s a downer to hear about your self loathing and your self doubt.

You are who you are and within a millisecond of meeting you, I know who you are.   So give me that in our conversation.  Give me who you really are.  I know you aren’t Mother Teresa; I know you aren’t Martha Stewart; I know you aren’t John Wayne or Clark Gable, and, guess what?  I still like you.

14May

On Missing My Mother

I remember the first Mother’s Day after my mom died, it was awful.  Going through the big retailers in the weeks leading up to Mother’s Day was very painful.  The balloons and flowers were reminders that I no longer had any reason to buy a Mother’s Day gift.  It seemed as if there was a huge absence within my essence.  It was an absence that would never get better.

Every time my friends talked about how challenging their own mother was, it sparked anger in me. I said “at least you have a mother”.  I was angry.  How could she leave us so soon and at such an important time?

Over the years (21) the struggle lessened.  I became less angry and my pain less acute.  There are some days, like today, when randomly the hurt becomes acute again.  I don’t know why or wherefore that the hurt just bubbles up within me.

I wish that there was a comforting thought or prayer to make it go away, but there is not.  It just is.

27Mar

So Now, He is Dead and Gone

They met in the mid 90s when it was still cool to be a hippy.  The classical bohemian vibe meant intelligence and caring.  They met at the midtown methadone clinic that she managed, crumbling and falling, you could hear the rats running through the eaves and the attic.

He was pushing 50 and she was barely 35, always married with kids.  He was in the association that helped addicts access treatment for heroin addiction.  His passion for his cause was palpable.  He wanted to open a clinic in Ft. Myers and carried around pictures of people suffering because of their addiction.  He talked her into going to meetings.  They met monthly somewhere in the state and helped to make clear decisions that were empathetic and caring.  He didn’t like the for-profit treatment centers (his organization was non-profit) because he thought that they “sucked” money from their patients only to give it to shareholders without concern for “real” treatment.

They had friends in the state legislature and were able to get things done.  In 1999, she moved away and that was that.

About a year later, she decided to return to the work of addiction medicine.  It was a hard decision, but she realized it was still her purpose, even though she had walked away once.  She applied and applied and applied for work.  One day over the intercom at her job, she was being paged to the phone.  She rushed to pick up the phone and there he was saying, “I have this job, right down the street from your new home.”  She could hardly believe it.

For a long time, they were able to get things done.  His power (brawn) and her brain, along with his trust in her, made their work unstoppable and progressively successful.  He loved systems engineering and so did she.  No task was too small to be acknowledged.

But, Later;

Him “You have to own that.”

Her  “No I don’t, you put me in an untenable situation with a personality disordered nursing supervisor.  No matter what super-human effort I made, it was going to fail under those circumstances.”

Later;

Him “I think I made the mistake of my life, I should have asked you to marry me.  Is it too late?”

Her  “Yes, you’re drunk again, goodbye.”

Later;

Him “You made the biggest mistake, you should have gone on that fishing trip with us.”

Her “Ugh.”

Later;

Him “Go see him, Marc needs you, let him know that you care.”

Her “Ok.”

Later;

Him “I’ll promote you later, when there has been more time.”

Her “Ugh.”

Later;

Him “I have to fire her, look what she did!”

Her “She did nothing wrong, but if you want to fire her, go ahead, you have the power, so use it, but I won’t agree with you, she did nothing wrong.”

Later;

Him “I wish I could talk with you before you leave.  I want to say good-by and let you know how much you have meant to me.”

Her “Ugh. Liar”

Still, she cries.

All through the “scared years” he was there.  Ugly and mean, but he was there.

15Nov

Complicated Relationships, But Not You

The current hurt feelings from our relationship didn’t hurt so much when I used to look forward to a better and brighter future.

Once I knew that there is no better and brighter future here in this relationship, I became devastated.

I should not have hoped in the first place.  I wasted irreplaceable hours being anxious and hoping.  I could have enjoyed those hours by accepting that you would not change your hurtful behavior.

After all, you are concerned with you, as was I.  But no more, now you can be concerned with you and I can be concerned with new.

23Oct

Epic Misunderstanding

We have a misunderstanding and it is of epic proportions.  Damn, my daughter told me today that what she remembered about her teen years is me going into the bedroom and staying there no matter how much noise they made.  Okay, I was newly divorced, my mother died, I worked full time, and had a second job and I was cooking for these kids endlessly.   Not to mention putting food on the table.

And what my daughters remember is that I was not there, in my bedroom or gone.  How did that happen?  I’ve noticed this disconnect before, for example, I didn’t know that I had to explain being a hippy…

I was horrified when my daughters wanted a “boob job”.  What happened to bra burning and long hair and being free from “the man”.  I tell you what happened, it’s 40 years later and I didn’t explain anything to my girls, I just thought they would understand based on who I am.  Geez, I wouldn’t let them eat at MacDonald’s ~ wasn’t that enough proof?

It turns out that kids do not understand anything about their parents’ life unless it is explained.  That’s all, you have to explain it, all of it.  I knew these kind of misunderstandings happened, I just didn’t think they happened to ME.  Are you kidding?  I did everything in my own power to ensure that I was talking to all of my kids all of the time.

Then I remembered, my mother often worked two jobs to make sure there was food on the table and a roof over our heads.  All I remember is that she was not there.  That was me.  I was not there.  My daughters were wild during that period and often my kids seemed lost.  The truth is that we were all lost, all of us were lost.

Here is the thing, just hang in there.  No matter what, hang in there.  Continue to love the people that you love and know that life does work.  All of your love is worth it.  Giving is the best gift, never doubt it.

05Aug

Love and Faith

The very best gifts that you can give to yourself are love and faith.  Do it.  It’s important.  You can have some of mine if you need it.  Take love and faith from me, I will give it to you.  In the end though, you must give it to yourself.

02Aug

To the Woman Complaining because of Criticism that She Doesn’t Want Children

Look, I know you are upset because of all of the personal questions and negative feedback.  I have always felt put-out that my lifestyle is a bit different and people don’t like different.  We all want to validate our own lifestyle and so we are full of compliments for folks who mirror our lifestyles.  When people do not mirror our own lifestyles, we want to know why and/or ask them to justify their life position.  It’s a human issue, not a particular issue in relationship to your decision not to have children.

It’s not about that, you are personalizing a universally human condition to be right.  Let me just get you to the other side of your question: why do people want to have children?  Let’s ask the justification question from the other side.

I’ll start with some personal stuff: I’ve never been moved more powerfully by anyone over my children.  I think it’s in the DNA, we procreate and we are sincerely in love with our creations.  It’s the kind of love that mesmerizes us and follows us and consumes us.  For years and years we are romanticized by this love and we will go to the ends of the earth to make our passion worthwhile.  We continually work for and teach our offspring.  We want them to be brilliant, beautiful ad successful.  We will invest millions in our offspring’s life to assure this success.

Parents are, however, very clumsy.  Sometimes we do a good job and sometimes we do not.  Sometimes the DNA is just not going to work and our child may have handicaps, both seen and unseen, such as mental illness or developmental disabilities.

I think what people are really saying to you when they question your decision to not become a parent, is this; you will never find a greater love, a greater task and a greater challenge.  You will be forced to learn all kinds of things that you have no interest in knowing, but you will learn because you have to.  You will be motivated in a way that you cannot now imagine, but once you are there you will not know how life was life without your child.  It is a giving that has no boundaries and a taking that does not end.

If you do not have a child, you don’t get the experience.  It is possible that other experiences will be just as wonderful and just as awe inspiring and just as enduring.  Parents just want you to know that you might be missing something.

25Jul

Love Disappointment

Have you ever loved someone (I’m talking family and friendship love) and no matter what you do, or how you treat them, they just reject you and your efforts?

It is sincere from the standpoint of honesty, at least they do not pretend to want to spend time with you.  When they rebuff your invitation, at least you know that they are candid and forthright.

I may wonder why they will always reject me; I may question myself “What did I do to cause this?”  No communication will ever come, this fact is well established and does not regain consideration.

Still, I cannot stop feeling disappointed.  I love this person; I want this person to love me.  The fact that my love is not reciprocated, in no way changes how much I love.

I am stuck here with love disappointment.  At least, it is genuine love and genuine disappointment.

28Jun

My Husband Sees Only Good in those He Loves

My husband sees the best in everyone that he loves. No matter what they do, if he loves them, they did the right thing.
If he loves you, he defends you. He can do this to the point that he makes things up in his head. In my husband’s mind, you are wonderful, so of course you must have sent a thank you card (even if you didn’t). He will give you credit for the thank you card because he loves you. Plain and simple.
When I was younger by 20 or 30 years, I thought it was important for everyone to see truth and to be only honest. Brutal honesty with self was the only way to have successful relationships (or so I thought). I gave classes on how to be genuine, because I myself thought that the world had given goodness to each and every individual. Teach people to be genuine and to be open and accepting because everyone is basically good and therefore your experiences will be good.
I might have argued with my now husband, back then. Ironically, back then I thought I was a great person arguing for honesty. What would be honest about casting aspersions on a kid who forgot to send a thank you note? What would we gain by thinking of this kid as lazy or ungrateful? Now I know I would never interrupt my husband’s train of thought. I like it that he believes that his loved ones are wonderful people. I like it that he sees his loved ones as making the very best effort in every case. Of course, I am his beloved.