The UnRelieved Grief of Incest

She tried to explain to me how it was for her.  She told me “my husband doesn’t understand why I have to wear underwear ALL of the time.”  She said she had to wear underwear because it helped to make her feel safe.  She tells me that her earliest memories included being caught alone – time and time again – and dragged, sometimes by her hair, into a dark closet.  She says that she remembers the sounds of the struggle, the sounds of the panting and the awful breathing sounds that were made inside of that black closet.  For a long time, she believed that the adults must know, they knew everything, why didn’t they know what was happening to her and how bad that it hurt?  She started running away when she was very young.

She said that it is hard to translate the damage from being raped into adulthood.  She told me that she hated wearing flip – flops because “flip-flops are too loose”.  She told me that “feeling loose, is like being caught alone, it just isn’t good, so I can’t wear flip-flops.” She is a lovely woman who is well into her 50s.  She knows that these things that she does to comfort herself and to make herself feel safe are only symbols of her loss.  She knows this, but she continues.

And I, who have heard so many such stories, I tell her “go ahead and wear your underwear, do not wear flip -flops”, do as you must to give yourself safety and comfort – and I remember that it was Carl Jung who said “neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering”.

I think that sometimes nothing resolves legitimate suffering.