November 2019 – Life According to Johanna

I was walking through a grand reopening at Aldi’s. The store was completely packed, the grocery baskets were bumper to bumper. A couple of times, strangers reached out to talk with me about little things like the aisle width or the temperature of the store. Each time it happened, I panicked. I could feel my stomach dropping and my fear escalating to the top of my scalp. The panic was for no reason, no reason at all. Friendly people were just making comments in Aldi. Something that happens in grocery stores every day all across America.

Ironically, back at home (before the Aldi trip) I had just joined a chat room to assuage my loneliness. It didn’t occur to me until later in the day how unreasonable my thinking is.

I am completely reluctant, and even scared, to start a conversation with a stranger. Even if that stranger is a little old lady in a grocery store, asking for help. Online, I am fearless in my quest to find new friends. What gives? And why the difference, panic versus fearlessness?

Part of what is at issue with really reaching out to humans instead of computer screens is that humans are messy. They need you at the most inconvenient of times. They always call when you are busy and sometimes humans disagree with you.

You can work through issues, but still not be level in real life. And this is one of those instances.

“Trauma compromises our ability to engage with others by replacing patterns of connection with patterns of protection” – Stephen Porges

Why make the effort to have real human relationships when, in the past, you’ve been hurt so much? Real relationships require effort, compromise and even sacrifice. There is an investment and there are times when that investment is a mistake; or it sets you up for pain.

With quasi-relationships that are only real on my computer screen, I don’t have to make those sacrifices. I pick up my computer – when I feel like it. I respond to emails – when I feel like it. I provide comfort and support with words when I have the energy to do so, not when someone needs me to provide that support. That’s because I can put my computer away.

Obviously, you cannot put your friend away anymore than you can put yourself away. Humans don’t operate like that. We feel when we feel, we need when we need. Real friendship develops after you have waded through the anxiety and pain of the first few meetings. It is unwieldy and inconvenient.

Humans are messy, demanding, blubbering and even bloody. When you love them, you might end up spending time in their world and that world may not be as pleasant as your own. *Gasp*, other humans can disagree with you and even disapprove of; or be disappointed by a decision that you have made. That, my friends, can be challenging.

And again, there is that feeling of panic that accompanied the mild overture that the little old lady in Aldi made towards me. Will I be hurt again, will she try to put me down because she is unhappy, will she treat me like Betty, Sheila or Jack? Ultimately hurting my feelings and treating me badly?

I have to weigh it all out, but in the end, I know that the only friendship worth having is a real friendship with a real human. One that can cause inconvenience, because she calls too late at night, one that can be annoying because she doesn’t approve of my OCD habits. I’ll choose a friend that can ask me for a favor at inconvenient times. The reason I do this is simple. My computer – no matter how much reading and chatting I do – doesn’t keep me company. The computer won’t hold my hand when I am sick, hug me when I am sad or sit with me when I need a companion. A computer can’t do those things for me. So, yes, I will. I will sacrifice the convenience of my life to have my companions. I will drive 100 miles, buy gifts when I have no money, listen when I have no time. For love. And I will keep on trying. Because, that hug is worth it.

Please stop saying “karma is real”. It isn’t. When you say it, it implies that those people who have suffered terribly with pain and loss, somehow deserved it, by just not being good enough. If they had lived a good enough life, karma would not have zapped them and made them suffer.

My mother worked all of her life. She worked from the time she was sixteen until she had a stroke (between shifts), as a bartender at age 67. She gave her love and her heart endlessly to everyone. The funeral director who oversaw her service, told me that he had never had anyone pass away, that brought so many visitors to his establishment. The funeral home was crowded for hours and hours, with people who wanted to see her one more time. She was so loved, and incredibly popular because of her loving nature.

Make no mistake, my mother never caught a break. She worked and worked and then she worked some more. She was always tired and often discouraged. When her long time employer sold out; he broke every promise that he had ever made to her. It was easy for him to do, because as the owner, he had absolute right to disappoint her. Instead of a retirement fund, he gave her a small bonus and sold her to the next bar owner. Yes, much like slavery, my mother never had a say in her own life. Karma never kicked in for her. She never received economic gain from her solid and thoughtful hard.work.of.fifty.years.

She raised seven kids in a harsh rural environment. And yet, she was the mother who took everyone trick-or-treating. She was the mother who welcomed all of the disenfranchised into her home. She was the mother who gave to all and anyone. She was lovely, she was joyful, and she was tired.

Where was her karma? Why didn’t she ever receive the good that she gave? It wasn’t for lack of love; she gave that unconditionally and generously to anyone who crossed her path.

I say that about the sick, the hurt and those who have suffered great injustices.

Where is their karma, why haven’t they received good for their good? It is not the fault or even the karma — of anyone who gets sick. Sickness travels the bodies of anyone and everyone, without regard to human judgment or rules. Sickness is a physical phenomena that will attack: rich, poor, ugly, beautiful, good, bad, child or adult. Sickness does not care who it attacks. Sickness lays waste to good lives, particularly here in America, where illness is expensive, very, very expensive.

Hear this: there is no tit-for-tat of the universe.

Justice is a human construct.

Karma is not a reality that westerners can adopt to make sense of their own world.

Why do so many people believe in Karma? It’s our culture currently: the wealthy use it to justify their riches and the bad use it to justify their crimes. Everyone in between is just trying to get by.

What is real and what works? Love works, plain and simple, love works. Loving and giving are always rewarded. Yet, it is a reward of not rewarding. The rewards are deep and profoundly felt by those who love and are loved.

Love works, and is a gift unto itself, has no reason.

You may want to receive because of your love, but that is not real love. Love gives, and yet is not a reward. Real love simply is. Full Stop.

Friendship! A Scary Idea

Oprah, please stop saying Karma is real, it’s not, this is…