So please, do not pull out the past as proof of the present, it does not satisfy.
I feel so strongly about this for a couple of reasons: I have long been against triangulated communication and I have long been against judgmentalness, put-downs and other derogatory types of communication. When you agree with someone who is being negative about another person, you are ‘signing off’ on the means in which they communicate. You are agreeing that it is alright to NOT be direct in your communication and you are ‘signing off’ on this negative.
When negativity goes unchecked, un-remarked upon and unquestioned it blooms into an unearthly and overwhelming jungle that is dangerous to traverse. It is a jungle that does harm and withholds nourishment from inhabitants.
Part of what is wrong with negative communication is the witnesses’ inability to call the person out on their negativity. I think if the comment dies its own death, fine, but when the comment gets nourished by a listening and supportive ear, the negativity gains power and it is power that is destructive.
So when your sister says to you “our sister is so selfish, it is ridiculous” and what your sister really means is “I am becoming overwhelmed with our sister’s needs”, if we, the unwitting audience allows the first sentence to stand without gaining any real information about what is really going on – then we give power to dislike, argumentiveness and hurtfulness.
These situations can become durable and can even separate families. Part of the issue, is – of course – the judgmental complainer – however! The other part of the issue is the willing audience that signs off on judgmental and mean spirited complaining, someone who does not encourage open and honest two – way communication. Triangulation is never healthy, unless and until it is followed up with honest and forthright two-way communication. If it is not, and the disloyalty stands, then loyalty itself becomes suspect.
We end up creating unhealthy collusions that are destined for disaster. Make no mistake about it; negativity running amuck is damaging and hurtful…
Sometimes, I think that people believe that the past is a guide to the future. I do not think that this is true at all. We live in a real world, that is, for the most part, mundane. Telling me how you kept paper files and organized your life 20 years ago will not help me now. This may give me some insight as to why the young do not listen to the old. The young may be tired of hearing the same things over and over again and they may be tired of hearing about antiquated systems that are not relevant by today’s standards.
So, I would say this: in order to give away your wisdom, you must first rid yourself of your smug redundancies. You have many things that are good and right to share, but you cannot define them, only your audience defines them. To give your wisdom to others, assure yourself that you are not just complaining for complaints sake and that you honestly offer something to be in service to another. We may be correct, we may be right – but if our words are ill received – they fall on deaf ears and therefore are not heard.
You might grow up to be very much like them. You might begin to speak only as a matter of finding a way to repudiate the error in everyone’s thinking. You are right; you know this, because you have thought about it. You pounce on any opportunity to show someone the error of their ways. Your ego is gigantic because your own thinking can reason out so many ways to show others’ mistakes. You look around, you are alone…