Judgmentalness – Is That A Word?

What is the distance between derogatory comment and contempt?  What then, is the distance between contempt and separation?

I feel so strongly about this for a couple of reasons:  I have long been against triangulated communication and I have long been against judgmentalness, put-downs and other derogatory types of communication.  When you agree with someone who is being negative about another person, you are ‘signing off’ on the means in which they communicate.  You are agreeing that it is alright to NOT be direct in your communication and you are ‘signing off’ on this negative.

When negativity goes unchecked, un-remarked upon and unquestioned it blooms into an unearthly and overwhelming jungle that is dangerous to traverse.  It is a jungle that does harm and withholds nourishment from inhabitants.

Part of what is wrong with negative communication is the witnesses’ inability to call the person out on their negativity.  I think if the comment dies its own death, fine, but when the comment gets nourished by a listening and supportive ear, the negativity gains power and it is power that is destructive.

So when your sister says to you “our sister is so selfish, it is ridiculous” and what your sister really means is “I am becoming overwhelmed with our sister’s needs”, if we, the unwitting audience allows the first sentence to stand without gaining any real information about what is really going on – then we give power to dislike, argumentiveness and hurtfulness.

These situations can become durable and can even separate families.  Part of the issue, is – of course – the judgmental complainer – however!  The other part of the issue is the willing audience that signs off on judgmental and mean spirited complaining, someone who does not encourage open and honest two – way communication.  Triangulation is never healthy, unless and until it is followed up with honest and forthright two-way communication.  If it is not, and the disloyalty stands, then loyalty itself becomes suspect.

We end up creating unhealthy collusions that are destined for disaster.  Make no mistake about it; negativity running amuck is damaging and hurtful…