Archives for October 2016


Your Relationship with Your Child

I pride myself on trying the best that I actually can, in every situation all the time.  It is a way to live life.  My mother often said that she lived life without regrets and as you can imagine, that can change the way you live life.  For me, it meant that I wasted no time.  My life was always about bringing all of me to the table.  I may have been doubtful and even confused, but it wasn’t from lack of trying.  I tried everything to do the jobs and the chores that life had assigned to me.  None were as important as motherhood.  My life wasn’t easy; I was unskilled in making money and militant about my relationships with men, so it was confusing ~ to say the least.

There it is.  My daughter tells me that all of that trying was not enough.  She could have had a better life, if her parents had stayed together, if her parents had bracketed her teenage years.  Yes, I most definitely agree.  I also see that all of my reasoning and that all of my thinking are irrelevant.  If every bit of my effort were not what she wanted, nor what she needed, then that is all.  All of my effort was not enough.

What do you do when your best effort does not get you to where you want?  What do you do when all that you do is not enough?

The answer is that I do not know.

I guess I thought: that if you tried hard, that if you put your best effort in, that is enough.  After all, addicts, sociopaths, liars and thieves, and cruel people have children and do nothing to care for them.  Isn’t my effort better, at least I worked myself silly to accomplish something?  The answer is, of course, no.  You may try very hard and your child dislikes you, maybe because you are unskilled at making time or money.  You may try -not at all- and your child is in love with you, enjoying every breath that you take.  Is that the same as not being enough, or is that a whole different ball game?

I have to say that I think that for the most part, love is never misplaced.  You try very hard for your child, you love your child and it may not bear fruit, yet it is still worthwhile.  It is worth every effort that you have invested.  I do not know why, but I know that this is so.


Brothers Jax and Cai


Sophia at Halloween


The New Religion

It's About You


Epic Misunderstanding

We have a misunderstanding and it is of epic proportions.  Damn, my daughter told me today that what she remembered about her teen years is me going into the bedroom and staying there no matter how much noise they made.  Okay, I was newly divorced, my mother died, I worked full time, and had a second job and I was cooking for these kids endlessly.   Not to mention putting food on the table.

And what my daughters remember is that I was not there, in my bedroom or gone.  How did that happen?  I’ve noticed this disconnect before, for example, I didn’t know that I had to explain being a hippy…

I was horrified when my daughters wanted a “boob job”.  What happened to bra burning and long hair and being free from “the man”.  I tell you what happened, it’s 40 years later and I didn’t explain anything to my girls, I just thought they would understand based on who I am.  Geez, I wouldn’t let them eat at MacDonald’s ~ wasn’t that enough proof?

It turns out that kids do not understand anything about their parents’ life unless it is explained.  That’s all, you have to explain it, all of it.  I knew these kind of misunderstandings happened, I just didn’t think they happened to ME.  Are you kidding?  I did everything in my own power to ensure that I was talking to all of my kids all of the time.

Then I remembered, my mother often worked two jobs to make sure there was food on the table and a roof over our heads.  All I remember is that she was not there.  That was me.  I was not there.  My daughters were wild during that period and often my kids seemed lost.  The truth is that we were all lost, all of us were lost.

Here is the thing, just hang in there.  No matter what, hang in there.  Continue to love the people that you love and know that life does work.  All of your love is worth it.  Giving is the best gift, never doubt it.


Memes are the new Religion

Love InsideGod that you are.


Johanna Jr on Motherhood

The chronicles of motherhood chapter 5,489
Lessons Learned

I was shaken to the core the other day sitting at Y-not waiting on a cappuccino and some gelato with the boys…

Jaxsun my oldest son grabbed a peppermint and a toothpick as we walked in the restaurant as he usually does when we go there on our dates for dessert. No big deal. Right? WRONG!

As we’re sitting there talking. I’m on the inside of the booth across from Jax with Cai next to me I look up and Jax is holding his throat gasps and says “I’m choking HELP ME mom” may the lord strike me dead I flew out of that booth with a fierceness sending my youngest son flying across the restaurant in panic to assist my first born!
I frantically looked for water I pushed on his chest a little I got up screamed for water as the crazy person I was I came back to Jax after I ran and got his drink! He drank it and threw up the lodged peppermint onto the table!!

The 45 seconds this potential nightmare was occurring a million thoughts raced through my brain! I felt the most immense feelings of helplessness as I watch in agony my son scared and suffering! Looking at me for salvation! I should snap my fingers and fix it! Make this potential nightmare Magically go away! The words ” HELP ME MOM” burn my soul! I realized the peppermint was lodged it scared him and it hurt him & he thought he was choking. He was not but:

What if he had actually inhaled it and I had to perform CPR. What If there wasn’t medical students sitting at the table next to me? What if we were alone at home and all he had was me??? I should know what to do! I should be all he needs in those moments!

I thought I knew the basics of CPR but in that very moment I realized I was not 100% confident on what to do! Before I realized it was lodged I was thinking about how to perform CPR… What if things were different he did inhale it and in that time of me thinking and not acting it was too late!

I’m not being morbid I’m being realistic! I can not control everything! I know that! I can’t control my sons actions or their decisions when they’re not with me… I can instill the morals they’ll need to make them! So they can protective themselves when I’m not there..

I can however control myself! I take pride in being a strong parental figure to look up to for my sons! One of the many reasons the gym is important to me! I stabilize my mental and emotional self all the while physically getting stronger in case of a zombie apocalypse!

Feeling helpless as a mother with the extension of your heart and soul walking around in human forms will never go away!
One of my sons getting hurt or possibly worse over something I should know and be able to control is unacceptable!!! I’m taking this soul shaking event as a blessing and a lesson learned! I am beside myself in great appreciation to have the opportunity to say “what if!” With that being said….
I’ll be taking a CPR class this Saturday!!

On another note:
Cai And Jax quickly forgot the scariest life event mommy has ever had the displeasure of experiencing as they sat next to me ate and enjoyed their gelatos laughing as I grasped them tightly holding back tears trying to drink my cappuccino while my hand shook the contents out of my mug attempting to makes it’s way to my face…. 😳


How We Think About Beauty

The Aquarium

As I stood there watching the octopus, I had to think about beauty.  This creature was wrinkled, red, beige and fluidly graceful in movement.  It appeared to have no bone structure and the eyes were strangely macabre.  Yet, in every way, the creature was beautiful.  I tried to understand why, in the animal world, the standard for beauty is very different than it is for humans.  In the human world, we want beauty to look exactly a certain way.

When we are watching the fish in the aquarium, we do not care what size, nor what color and shape the sea creatures are.  What’s more, the creatures do not care.  I am wishing that humans could feel that way about each other:  no matter what, your color, nor your shape matters, you are beautiful.