For the first time since I started this blog, I am materially aware that I have an audience. It has stopped me from writing. I have been through a painful experience which made me leave my job. I have been grappling with such issues as self control, my ability to modify my environment and the effects that another person can have on me. In some ways my experience has been at odds with my belief system, which has caused a cognitive dissonance. As you can imagine, I have been struggling. This does not cause me to write less. Indeed if you know me, it actually causes me to write more.
What has caused me to write less, is this awareness of my audience and the fear that my life would be negatively effected by my work here on the blog. There is nothing more anxiety producing than losing one’s income. I am not willing to be a starving artist, I have too much going on in my life to stop the train for the sake of my own written word. Trust me, I have saved the words.
Some things that have caused me concern is the idea that my old boss, who is vindictive and mean spirited, would work hard to block my efforts to find new employment. Another concern is that, a person interviewing me (with hiring authority) would turn out to be a Trump lover. Based on experience, I know that these things can be real and I want to avoid the effect of someone’s negative feelings on my future.
Today, I read some research about why we want to believe that the universe is just and that things happen to people because they deserve it. It’s far easier for us to believe that the universe will treat us right if we act right. We can then believe that we have some control over life. We can believe that people get what they deserve, even when there is an injustice. I have known that this is not true for many years. The universe is full of injustice and apathy and even evil. We humans do not have control over the universe. We are subject to life.
Which is why, in order to thrive, we must sometimes resort to dishonesty. I have dishonestly withheld my truth from this blog, in order to create a transition as painless as possible. My feelings had endured enough pain and I would not be my own perpetrator.
I have been dishonest with my blog, and I hope you will forgive the lapse. It was intentional and it is over.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you for reading.