Your Relationship with Your Child

I pride myself on trying the best that I actually can, in every situation all the time.  It is a way to live life.  My mother often said that she lived life without regrets and as you can imagine, that can change the way you live life.  For me, it meant that I wasted no time.  My life was always about bringing all of me to the table.  I may have been doubtful and even confused, but it wasn’t from lack of trying.  I tried everything to do the jobs and the chores that life had assigned to me.  None were as important as motherhood.  My life wasn’t easy; I was unskilled in making money and militant about my relationships with men, so it was confusing ~ to say the least.

There it is.  My daughter tells me that all of that trying was not enough.  She could have had a better life, if her parents had stayed together, if her parents had bracketed her teenage years.  Yes, I most definitely agree.  I also see that all of my reasoning and that all of my thinking are irrelevant.  If every bit of my effort were not what she wanted, nor what she needed, then that is all.  All of my effort was not enough.

What do you do when your best effort does not get you to where you want?  What do you do when all that you do is not enough?

The answer is that I do not know.

I guess I thought: that if you tried hard, that if you put your best effort in, that is enough.  After all, addicts, sociopaths, liars and thieves, and cruel people have children and do nothing to care for them.  Isn’t my effort better, at least I worked myself silly to accomplish something?  The answer is, of course, no.  You may try very hard and your child dislikes you, maybe because you are unskilled at making time or money.  You may try -not at all- and your child is in love with you, enjoying every breath that you take.  Is that the same as not being enough, or is that a whole different ball game?

I have to say that I think that for the most part, love is never misplaced.  You try very hard for your child, you love your child and it may not bear fruit, yet it is still worthwhile.  It is worth every effort that you have invested.  I do not know why, but I know that this is so.