Rhea reminded me about the interview with Liam Neeson that we had watched on TV. Rhea is a new parent who came to parenting later in life than I did. My back story to this conversation is that I am feeling particularly inept around my daughters just now. We are in one of those change cycles which leaves everything that I used to do / be as a mother now obsolete. This renders me clumsy and awkward. I stumble through my sentences and often must apologize, because I am frustrated I sometimes say the wrong thing. I am struggling and not too successfully, with my transition from parenting to not parenting. I mean I know that I am still their mother, but I am not needed.
I did not hear Liam Neeson’s entire interview, but Rhea said that he said something like “I always feel inadequate as a parent. It is the way I feel on a daily basis, every day is a failure.” Rhea feels this way sometimes and went on to say to me, “Gosh Mom, every four years or so, you get a little bit of a feedback that you are doing an okay job (like graduation from school), but in general it always feels like it’s not enough.” She goes on to say that she has always felt that way as a woman: not skinny enough, not beautiful enough, not rich enough, not perfect enough in every way. Life sucks…
I’ve strived my entire life to make meaning out of my existence. I’ve worked very hard at this idea of success. And still, here I am Rhea’s mother and I feel exactly as she has described, as if there is never enough that I can do to get it right.
My current dilemma is that I have always been one who puts heart, soul, muscle, effort and work into raising the kids. This can and does create dependencies that in the natural course of events decrease over time, until it disappears. Parental dependency belongs to childhood, not adulthood. I am not saying that we can never depend on each other; I am saying that as we develop or own abilities, we generally relinquish our parents. If, on the other hand, our parents always do for us, there is a chance that we will not develop our abilities. For whatever reason, this sometimes happens with people; they choose dependence rather than independence. A parent has to make a decision to let go, so that the adult child can work towards developing independent abilities. Sometimes parents, because their own ego needs are not met; will continue to do for an adult child and foster dependency. I am not speaking about disabled or impaired adults. I am not speaking about adults with an IQ of 60; I am speaking about every day average adults.
I must give up my purpose in life, that is, to raise kids. I must give up the source of my ego strength and let go of what has always made me larger than life… If I do not, I will be disabling to those I love the most.
This is why I am currently inept at parenting – not because parenting is inherently failing – but because each age creates a new challenge whereby all of my old experience is obsolete, unnecessary and possibly even harmful. I never know when these moments are going to come and as kids get older these moments become more and more mysterious. It is not the same as changing from a baby bottle to a sippy cup; it is much more subtle and unclear. Here is my lesson: to step back and let be. I must find a purpose in just being who I am. I must find a way to fill up the time and space with me. It sounds so selfish to me and maybe it just is. I do know this: doing for adult kids is a way of telling them that they cannot do for themselves. What they really need to know is that they are capable and that I have faith in them.
And to answer Rhea’s concern, there was a document circulating about 25 years ago much like the Desiderata, but it was for parents. I don’t remember the words, but I do remember the message. My parents made mistakes, some more awful than others. I made parenting mistakes. But it all goes back to confidence and faith. My kids are capable of managing those mistakes and moving through them to finding their own purpose and their own future.