My Daughters are Separating…

As beautiful as they are, it isn’t pretty.  Rhea married a Navy man and Johanna is 7 months pregnant.  Rhea and Jo were born 26 months apart.  They have filled each other’s lives with intense emotion.  At ages 28 and 26 they have spent very little time apart.  These last several months they have lived together, as deeply involved with each other as only siblings can be.  When Jo’s boy friend moved in with them, I gave him one piece of advice: “if they are arguing, duck for cover or RUN, never, ever take sides or get involved.”    Luckily for him and because he is wise, he has taken this advice seriously.  They are typical sisters in that they can call each other names, but if anyone else does the same, they WILL hurt the person.

Rhea must depart soon, marriage is like that: husbands want their wives close by.  Rhea and I sat on her bed yesterday and she said the most amazing thing as tears poured out of her eyes and tracked down her cheeks “Mom, thank you so much for giving me a little sister, no I mean it, she is so beautiful and I have gotten so much from her by being with her.”  “Johanna is my soul mate, I don’t know what I am going to do without her.”  And so it begins, the grief of their separation, the loss of daily hugs, the absence of the touch of each other – a touch that they have had all of their lives.  As they matured into women, I recall that if I have not heard from one of them, I could call the other and each of them would reassure me “Mom, don’t worry, I talk to her every day.”  They are both kind to me about my anxiety for them.  They have never failed each other, or me, in communication.  They are both adept at electronic communication and both are on myspace and facebook.  However, nothing will or even could replace those hugs, that touch and that reassurance that comes from actually seeing the one you love.  And so, we grieve…

And here is where I take umbrage with one aspect of our culture – the rugged individualism that is undeniably American.  Why do children have to go away when they grow up?  What is wrong with the extended families of Europe?  What is the problem with grandmothers getting to spend time with and raise grandchildren?  I don’t think it is proper and right to have a nuclear family – particularly now – when it is so difficult and dangerous for children.  We need an entire tribe to protect our children.  We need that crazy uncle who likes to throw the football and hang out on the back porch.  We need our brothers and sisters and fathers and mothers and grandparents.  We need the support of those we love and whom love us.

What I have found, is that this need does not go away… my sister and I are enduring menopause together.  Without her, some days would send me to my knees (not that I don’t go there occasionally anyway).   We have lost our parents, but find comfort in each other, with each other.  We need each other.  Though we live 50 miles apart, our phones are connected and when necessary we make the drive.  Sometimes, we just must see each other.  My faith is that my daughters will find the way to keep their love strong and willing regardless of distance and geography and drive time.  

For the next few weeks, while they grieve for each other, I grieve for them.  This separation will cause many tears.  I hope that Rhea’s husband will have patience and understanding and above all, I hope he is nurturing.  I hope that Johanna does not become too lonely.  As for me, all I have to do is call one of them and I will know what both are doing…