• Philosophy

    What if?

    the book “Illusions” was right? (remember Richard Bach and Jonathen Livingston Seagull?)

    What if our purpose in life is to learn and to have fun? 

    For sure then, one comment would be true: we take ourselves too seriously.

  • Love and Relationships

    Powerlessness in a Relationship

    How do you live inside of a relationship where you have no power?  You didn’t know it was going to be that way.  But you find yourself dealing with the same issues over and over again – issues caused by your partner – issues that you wish would change, but nothing ever changes?

    You try negotiation, you try discussion, but always you are back to the drawing board in an emotionally draining struggle where you cannot get your needs met.  Eventually, you resent (how could you not?) your partner seems to be non-responsive to your requests.  Eventually you feel diminished and dismissed by the relationship as the hurts pile up and then go un-attended as your partner fights and defends that which will not change.

    Then all of being-in-love becomes a questionable state of mind because being in love brings on having to deal with another, who, maybe is not-so-much in love, or at least not-so-much sensitive & caring.  Then the torment of indecision parks in your brain and you begin to wonder if you will always make mistakes about loving and partnering and who you are willing to be with.

    Not Good.

  • Speaking as a Parent

    On Parenting Perfectly

    We’re too aggressive with raising our children the “right” way.  It has shades of the Victorian era when children had to be perfect lest they be banned from the presence of adults.  While we work diligently to make sure they are happy, we make sacrifices to assure their pleasure, we push valiantly to ensure their success, we may be failing at the most important task of all – and that is their mental health.  There is already research out there that indicates that children feel stressed about their parents need for them to be happy, kids are complaining that they cannot discuss upset feelings with their parents because there is an expectation that they “feel” good and “be” happy.

    What I find ironic about all of this is that, children will take what they want from life experiences, not what we wish for them to have.  As I listened to my daughter-in-law talk about this yearning sense of anxiety that blossomed within her after giving birth, I reflected on my own avid feelings about child-rearing.  Decades ago I read a quote by Jacqueline Kennedy – and I am paraphrasing “I must do a good job raising the children, what else is more important? And when could you possibly get a second chance at doing a good job with your children?”  That sentiment was completely real to me.  My style of raising children is to cradle them in a safety net (which they may crawl out of) to give them as much as I can, anytime that I can (which they may reject) and to assure that they can move forward in their lives(and they may not).

    In retrospect, I could have accomplished it all with a lot less anxiety.  Children are not the blank slates of nature.  Children come to us with their own DNA make-up, their own dream-like life agenda and their own decisions about what experience they will keep and what experiences they will discard.  When I sacrificed I expected some understanding of that sacrifice – still do – yet on countless occasions that sacrifice did not even register, the kids were oblivious to it.

    What did register was this:  My whole hearted and complete investment in their lives.  From moment to moment I am interested in who they are, what they are about and where they are going.  I am interested because I like them and I want to be with them.  Because they are finally adults, the lingering agenda of “you must perform and you must be happy” is gone.  Thank God!

    I think we miss the point when we work hard to be the perfect parent with the super achieving child.  Our children are who they are and thus as human beings deserve to be accepted with their own agenda.  That is not to say that we cannot make a safe, happy childhood for them, or conversely, as parents, we can also ruin whatever fighting chance our child may have had for happiness.  That is to say that whenever we take on a social structure such as perfect parenting, we leave out who we are.  We reject our own selves and our own genuineness.  This rejection gets carried through to our children and takes our ability to be genuine with them away.

    Perfect parenting is an impossible icon anyway.  I don’t suggest we throw the baby out with the bathwater, what I do suggest is that we pay more attention to the humans that are our children and not cherish the idea that people have to be happy and perfect and super-achievers.  Perfect children are no more real than perfect parents.  Being authentic is a way of letting go that allows a much more genuine love to flourish.  Acceptance allows a sharing that is transformative for both the parent and the child.  What loving parent would reject sharing and genuine love?

  • Love and Relationships,  Philosophy

    Baby Girl

    What devils chase you in the dark of the night?  What peace do you strive for that will make everything all right?

    I cannot give you that peace, I cannot hand you understanding or insight or wisdom, all of it must come from you.  You, who are an old soul – who know so much more than the rest of us mere mortals, feel keenly, all of that which is wrong, hurtful and painful.  Can you understand your soul and what it does to you?  Can you reach inside and come to an understanding with your soul so that what you feel and hear does not hurt you so much?

    You must have your heart and your life too.  You must know that both can move in the same place and must coincidentally have an honored place.  Allow your heart its extravagance, and give your life some peace.  The heart’s expression is only expression and will transform almost immediately.  Let your heart transform and then move on.  Come to peace with the heart’s constant transformation, you KNOW, that it is but a journey through the nether-world of life.  Seek the soul’s true peace and love is but a part of that – as encompassing as love is – you must give equal power to your life, your soul and spirit.

    My beautiful old soul; come home, rest your head here, let the ravages of broken love wash over you and move on.  Such as you cannot be wasted on heart break, such as you must give to the sunshine.

  • Love and Relationships

    “The image of myself which I try to create in my own mind in order that I may love myself is very different from the image which I try to create in the minds of others in order that they may love me.” –W. H. Auden

    I do not wish for you to know the ugly truth about me and yet I cannot lie to you.  So what to do?  I must not talk, I must not say – anything.

    To say anything is to ruin the pristine image that I think that you have of me.  Do you wish to know that I am angry and sad and mean by turn?  Do you wish to know that I can be radically jealous, but will avoid vindictiveness at all costs?  Only to be dimly aware that my frustration slides out of me sideways, instead of straight on, like the words in a verse?

    To hide anything feels like betrayal, and yet to reveal me betrays me.

  • Speaking as a Parent,  World Affairs

    Vaccinations are About PUBLIC Health

    Holding you close.  August 2014
    Holding you close. August 2010

    I’ve been an uninvolved observer to the whole chaotic conversation about vaccinations and their safety for several years now.  The rich and the famous became involved in the diatribe against vaccinations.  While I was aware that the whole star-studded conversation was making me uncomfortable, I stayed away from the conversation because when it is emotional – as has been the case – then I know that any rebuttal becomes nonsensical and is not well received by those with strong opinions.

    A public claim was made that vaccinations cause autism.  The kind of science that backs this claim up will not meet the standards of the scientific community.  However research can reflect the opinion of the author and even be re-manufactured into retrospective nonsense.

    More importantly, I believe that if a vaccination has a deleterious affect on the body, that that event must be researched, we must know why that vaccine had such an affect.  We must rule out the idea that many chemicals react singularly on a body.  For example, a bee sting can be life threatening to some people, and yet, this is not so for the majority of the population.  The other rule-out that must be researched is the possibility that drug companies change the formulary for any number of reasons.  We could even ask the drug companies, were the vaccines manufactured safely with appropriate quality controls and seek answers here?

    To state that vaccinations are unsafe, seems to be the very last thing that our culture would postulate.  Personally, I like vaccines.  I have a good friend who had polio as a child and she remains disabled because of the catastrophic affect that polio had on her body.  We, who were born before 1960, can recall the times and places of devastating illnesses and what that did to our families and our communities.  Epidemics of illnesses have been wiped out with vaccinations.  This is phenomena that has occurred in our life time.

    So it appears to me that throwing out the vaccination – in the absence of scientific inquiry – is like throwing out the baby with the bath water.  It’s ridiculous.  There are a lot more questions to ask before we decide that vaccinations are no good.  Let me add that several of these questions have been asked.  Vaccines have been re-manufactured, renamed and reproduced, and theoretically are improved.  But vaccines still receive the blame for autism.  The Centers for Disease Control, the place in America where all health statistics are gathered and analyzed, can find no co-relationship between vaccinations and autism and yet the mindless public panic grinds on.

    And now, it’s personal for me, and emotional for me, and here is why:  Whooping cough is back and it’s back in a big way, there are small epidemic outbreaks all over the country.  Now you may say that it is a disease that you can survive, and so it is not that bad…but, what if you are a 5 week-old baby?  If you are five weeks old, then it is a much more serious disease.  How would a five week old baby catch whooping cough?  Well, all of those parents who scoff at vaccinations have caused epidemics of diseases which should be extinct.  This is a strong statement and a true statement.

    How about this, if you do not wish to vaccinate your child – that is your choice – but when you put your child into the public and your child spreads a disease – you now put my child in danger.  That is why I say that vaccinations are a public health concern, because an un-vaccinated child spreads disease as surely as typhoid Mary did.  For my five-week-old grandson, who is not OLD enough to be vaccinated, that almost became deadly.  That, I say, is unfair.

  • It is What it is...,  Love and Relationships

    The “L Word” – Really?

    As a society we do things to words that we do with people.  We add gobs of meaning and innuendo, we add this stuff to little words that can hardly take the weight of our prejudice.

    My friend called the other day and at one point said, and I quote “that despicable word love”.  WHAT?  WHY? Not sure I understand why we add so much meaning to this poor little word.  “Love means you don’t have to say you’re sorry…” Love means we have reached a level of intimacy that changes things between us?  What?  We cleanly and easily love children, but for each other – couples – we have only doubt, hesitation and fear.  We don’t want to go there…the dreaded “L” word.

    We tip our toe into the “love” pool, all the while hoping and wishing that it washes over us and inundates us with ecstasy and sublime pleasure.  Will love come at us?  Will we trip over it in the street?  This is what I say:  You can have love if you dive in, and you know it when it is happening – because there is this emotional feeling of a kind-of-free-falling.  However, you can only keep love if you get off of the weighted object of your beliefs about love.  Loving someone doesn’t mean that your relationship must change, it doesn’t mean that you have to be different.  Love means – a profoundly, tender, passionate affection for another person. There is nothing in the dictionary that says you have to change your life or your relationship.

    Truly, love is NOT a despicable word, it is, in fact, what it is.  Love is a word that describes how people feel about each other and it does not respect what we believe about it, because, after all, it is an emotional response to closeness and intimacy.  So, love will not wait until you THINK it should be, nor will it wait until your world is perfect, it just happens.  I think that is a very good thing, because some people would just think it away and never actually feel it…