• Politics,  Psychology of Life,  Wise Words,  World Affairs

    Biden Admit the Mistake

    October 17, 2024

    You can’t trust Netanyahu. You have been fooled by the repeat of a story that is from last year. The horrible rape and killing of the Israelis on October 7th cannot be ignored. And yet, Biden you can’t kill 30,000 civilians by giving Netanyahu, ne’ Hitler, American weapons.

    Netanyahu is the new Hitler, doing all of the things that we don’t forgive Hitler for. 1. Killing people because of their origins: check, 2. Killing people because of their race: check, 3. Mass murdering women, children and the elderly, check.

    On the basis of evidence collected and examined by my Office (International Criminal Court), I have reasonable grounds to believe that Benjamin NETANYAHU, the Prime Minister of Israel, and Yoav GALLANT, the Minister of Defence of Israel, bear criminal responsibility for the following war crimes and crimes against humanity committed on the territory of the State of Palestine (in the Gaza strip) from at least 8 October 2023:

    Starvation of civilians as a method of warfare as a war crime contrary to article 8(2)(b)(xxv) of the Statute;
    Wilfully causing great suffering, or serious injury to body or health contrary to article 8(2)(a)(iii), or cruel treatment as a war crime contrary to article 8(2)©(i);
    Wilful killing contrary to article 8(2)(a)(i), or Murder as a war crime contrary to article 8(2)©(i);
    Intentionally directing attacks against a civilian population as a war crime contrary to articles 8(2)(b)(i), or 8(2)(e)(i);
    Extermination and/or murder contrary to articles 7(1)(b) and 7(1)(a), including in the context of deaths caused by starvation, as a crime against humanity;
    Persecution as a crime against humanity contrary to article 7(1)(h);
    Other inhumane acts as crimes against humanity contrary to article 7(1)(k).
    Netanyahu continues to travel, to include to the United States with impunity. And the U.S. knows that he has committed war crimes.

    Per Robert Reich August 19th, 2024
    The one large blot on Biden’s record is Benjamin Netanyahu. Biden should have been tougher on him — refusing to provide him offensive weapons unless Netanyahu stopped his massacre in Gaza. Yes, I know: Hamas began the bloodbath. But that is no excuse for Netanyahu’s disproportionate response, which has made Israel a pariah and endangered its future. Nor an excuse for our complicity.

    April 16, 2024

    Heather Cox Richardson
    Apr 17

    Since Hamas attacked Israel on October 7, 2023, killing 1,200 people and kidnapping more than 250 others, President Joe Biden’s apparent top priority has been making sure the crisis doesn’t spread. On October 10, he warned: “to any country, any organization, anyone thinking of taking advantage of this situation, I have one word: Don’t. Don’t.”

    Since the early days of the conflict, the approach of Israel’s government under Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to destroying Hamas has caused a deepening rift with the Biden administration. While the U.S. supports Israel’s right to self-defense and “legitimate military objectives,” it has repeatedly called out mounting Palestinian civilian casualties. Then, while the administration has consistently called for the establishment of a Palestinian state, the plan for a postwar settlement Netanyahu finally proposed in February rejected that policy and instead called for Israel to maintain military control of Gaza indefinitely.

    Why are We Here?
    Here we are many months and billions of dollars later.

    The cost of this war to Americans is insane and could easily be redirected to assisting voters with childcare or housing or so many other domestic problems.

    Even though we are not in a war, we are once again, spending on a war.

    By USAFacts — How much aid does the US give to Israel? USAFacts. Updated on October 12, 2023., Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=139208593

    Hello America, is this where we want to be?

    We must find a way to resolve our intervention into the Israel war on the Palestinian people. We are dealing with two ideologies neither of which is interested in the American Way.

    It is our error to give Netanyahu untethered access to the American weapons of war.

    He is the new Hitler and we pay (in dollars now and then later in consequences) for his murder of the Palestinian people.

    Notice that I don’t mention Hamas. I look only to the truth that lies before us in living color. While Hamas must be stopped, we cannot allow Netanyahu to continue his murderous rampage on people who have no aggression in the games of the Hamas war.

    Every day I hear Netanyahu’s excuses for continuing with the annihilation of the Palestinian people. After he murders 30,000 civilians including children, his war department states,” there was a spy in that building that we bombed!” Lest we forget who started the war, Netanyahu’s PR department spews with a lie, “the spy in the building was one of the October 7th murderers!”

    My husband keeps asking me, “if there was as spy there, why don’t they go get the spy, why do they have to kill everyone?”

    America, please help.

    We must stop the American war machine, it threatens the world with it’s unquenchable appetite for the lives of all people.

    War
    Biden
    Netanyahu
    War Machine
    Mass Murder

    Johanna Baynard
    Written by Johanna Baynard

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  • Congress,  Economic Equality (A Goal),  Justice, the Human Construct,  Politics,  Psychology of Life

    Immigration and You!

    September 19, 2024

    This is an important subject for this election cycle and for the life of me, I cannot figure out why. It’s a chimera, that is infecting how Americans think about “others”.

    I don’t want to minimize or dismiss any harm you may have experienced at the hands of an immigrant. This article is about the broader perspective in America.

    I am in my sixties and I have never met anyone who has had a life impact from an immigrant. I know that is meaningless in the broad view of America, but seriously, how is the average American being impacted by immigrants? The pundits and the candidates keep saying “They are taking your jobs!” And unemployment rates are low and have been very low for several years.

    In most places where cheap labor is necessary, that is where you will find Mexican and South American men and women immigrants. There are plenty of places where you will find children laboring on American soil also. Where do we need cheap labor in this country?

    On most construction crews.

    In every single restaurant in this country.

    In every single berry patch in this country.  

    Deondra’s Daughter

    On every single lawn maintenance crew in this country and:

    for every single housekeeping crew in this country.

    While this is not inclusive of immigration from all over the world, it does tell us where South American and Mexican immigrants are working.

    History Lessons

    Because I’ve been around the block a few times, I remember another group of people that were being demonized by politicians. It began in the 1960s and continued as an issue into the 1990s, there was a group called “welfare mamas”. The pundits claimed that they were draining the country of tax money, not only for their own families, but also because they cheated. “These women are claiming two families so that they can get double the benefits!” It was an awful time for black and Latino women, all of the financial frustration of this country was placed on their backs. The public was not afraid of blaming them for everything wrong in America. 

    This caricature was not a true representation of women on welfare and was debunked several times over. During the 1990s, the truth was found to be exactly the opposite. The reason for the incredible expense in health care  was systematic fraud, mostly by professional health care providers.

    I suspect that the same bad faith will ring true here. Immigration is a scape goat or slight of hand that makes  it easier for some other form of stealing and/or fraud propagated on the American people. It’s like preaching that women dress to lure men and the whole congregation is raping Suzy in the back room.

    I am not trying to minimize the effects of immigration on you. I’m just asking for you to fully review those effects and be honest about it.

    Here are the effects on me this week: I ate berries and carrots that were picked by Mexican and South American legal and illegal immigrants. The crew that maintains and mows the property I live in is all Mexican and South American.

    There is no excuse for ignoring factual information. There is no excuse for taking rumors and gossip and pretending they are factual.

    Read More
  • Baby Boomers,  Friends,  Love and Relationships,  Philosophy,  Psychology of Life

    Class Difference or a Sign of the Times

    July 7, 2024

    I spent most of my childhood in lower to middle class socioeconomic status, and later, most of my adulthood in middle to upper socioeconomic status.

    What I remember about my childhood was the soft voices of women in deep discussion about life and living. The thought that comes to mind most about my mother was this idea that others sought her counsel. That makes a lot of sense to me because mom was a very loving person. This is rural Louisiana in the 1960s.

    Briana Tozour with Unsplash

    We moved to Florida and shook off the church, my mother’s life was still one where most sought her counsel. I know that mama’s best friend (Linda) did nothing more than cross the field between our houses in tears and that is how they met. My mother immediately took her in much like you would a hurt and stray animal. They helped each other find jobs. They saved S&H Green stamps and went on spending sprees at the S&H Green stamp store. They absorbed more and more friends as time passed.

    As a young woman and mother, I had a group of friends that were wildly different from each other and yet they were crazy about each other. Always careful to listen to each other about kids, husbands and life. They did not look or act the same. I don’t know how we all got together, but there we were for lunch every month. A catholic woman married to a Mennonite, two Midwesterners looking for a warmer climate and a couple of wealthy young “about towners”. Professional women would come if work permitted. We wanted to be together, not to sell something, but to take comfort in each other.

    Chris Murray with Unsplash

    In my later adulthood, as I look at young people now, I have never seen this replicated. This sort of broad, arms wide open, everyone welcome, where we take counsel from each other. What I see now (always wishing to be wrong) is this sort of closed exclusivity. If you aren’t part of this little group, you aren’t welcome. There is a stress about perfection that stresses me out and I am only an observer.

    There is nothing more important to this group than to have and own the right things. The baby buggy has to be a Mercedes and they must all have an apple watch.

    Freestock on Unsplash

    These women have two or three friends and then they shut it down. The friend meter is closed. There is this ongoing competition that makes it difficult to even have a friendship. The competition is deep, and it’s whatever the flavor of the day is.

    For some groups it’s the look. Perfect long fingernails and toenails. Hair that has been styled within an inch of its life. Body perfect, if not then a perfectly awful gym routine that includes a personal fitness coach.

    For some groups the competition is the kids. Which one gets into university? Which one will go to the best university? Who can afford university and who will get a loan?

    The bottom line of all these groups is the exhibition of money. They use every situation as an opportunity to demonstrate how well off they are and how much better they are than each other and the world around them.

    If they get together at home, they are looking for a perfect performance, NOT friendship and fellowship. Have you heard the term Pinterest perfect? Everything is about how better they are than anyone else. Bottom line, (again) who has the most cash.

    This is also the group that admires Elon Musk. They look right past his Nazi tendencies to his bank account, and really for them, that’s all that is important.

    It has got to be hectic! How do folks manage at the tip of this razor blade of stress?

    I ask you, is this a sign of the times? Or is this a heightened socioeconomic status? Which is it?

    Read More
  • Justice, the Human Construct,  Philosophy,  Politics,  Wise Words,  World Affairs

    Wars: The Male Perception of Reality

    June 15, 2024

    What I really don’t understand is how can one man decide to kill thousands of other humans and destroy their homes and he just gets to keep on doing it?

    What is happening that we all just accept what Putin and Netanyahu are doing? I see the riots in the streets, and nothing changes. You could surmise that the actions of these leaders are wrong. Public opinion weighs against them and yet the world sits idly by allowing tens of thousands to be annihilated. It is the man (Putin and Netanyahu) that must be denied. Surely, we understand that all else is propaganda? Putin claims to be Christian, Netanyahu claims to be Jewish, how is that even possible? You cannot be a man of God and engage in murder of tens of thousands of humans.

    As to Hamas, haven’t we perfected our cancer treatments to kill the cancer, but not the body? Why are we allowing so much life to suffer for Hamas?

    We are Christians. We value human life. There is lots of evidence that proves that we all value human life. First with the most important law of the land “Thou shalt not murder.” And as stated in online sources the Muslim belief: Murder is considered a major sin, or al-Kaba’ir sin.

    How do we allow the continued murder of so many peoples of our earth?

    War does not have to exist and yet men will argue for it voraciously. It is a condoned murder machine. We found reasons for war in the past, we could make a reasoned argument that those reasons no longer exist. The U.S. has far more fire power and far more nuclear power than any other country. With the advent of nuclear power, we can hardly excuse hand to hand combat can we? Else why create this weapon if not “to end all wars.”

    We don’t want nuclear war, so we keep murdering citizens of the earth to try to avoid it. Warriors ask to engage in these wars, civilians do not. How do we stand by while 16000 civilians in Gaza and 11000 civilians in Ukraine are murdered.

    We are appeasing egos and yet egos are not authentic constructs, they are social constructs. Ego is a stand-in for reality in the same way that song is a stand-in for a past experience. You never get the original back, and the music is nothing more than a dull reiteration of that past. An ego is nothing more than a wish for a person, a way that a person WANTS to see themselves. It is in no way actuality. Yet, here we are appeasing the egos of the monsters. Netanyahu and Putin.

    You will argue that they are vastly different issues and very different causes, and I will respond that they are murders of civilians. What else do you need to know?

    After all, that is what this paragraph is about the murder of humans by men who love war and who are interested in the growth of their own ego above all else. They grow their own egos at our expense, because as we stand by for these murders, we become the murdered.

    War

    Murder

    Gaza

    Ukraine

    Politics

    Read More
  • Economic Equality (A Goal),  Justice, the Human Construct,  Politics,  Psychology of Life,  Womens Issues

    Understanding Why Change Doesn’t Occur

    April 26, 2024

    Johanna Baynard

    Johanna Baynard

    6 min read

    I’m working on a document that would help me understand why people will become Trump supporters and then stop thinking about any other possibilities at all. Full stop to critical thinking. I started doing some research into the brain’s different processes for decision making and thought I was making some progress.

    Illustration with Change

    Yesterday, my husband and I were at a party and an acquaintance of ours (someone that we keep running into) was there. We can’t get close with him and his wife because he is a full blown MAGA supporter and there are some other issues as well. Some other issues made themselves known yesterday in a way that we just hadn’t recognized previously!

    He made a beeline for us when he saw us and started telling us about how he and his wife bought his new home. He had to show us pictures of it and wanted us to know that it was 1000 square feet larger than their last home with 2 more acres of land. Now hubby and I are newly retired, and they are less than ten years behind us and often talk about downsizing. They are DINKs (double income, no kid) actually have one child who is grown and out of the house and a high earner, so…

    In any case, these two live in a 3,600 square feet house and mow 2 acres of ground every two weeks, own a boat and motor home and are living the dream. He explained to us in detail how much money he spent on each and everything and how great each and every thing is, to include that riding lawn mower.

    What just happened?

    Besides the remarkable consumption of goods and services, is that this man did not shut up as his wife stood quietly by nodding and agreeing with all that he had to say. The house is so big, she can’t clean it, so someone comes to help her, is the only little bit that she added to the conversation, but that was It, it was all him. Can you say selfish? Can you say “me-focused”? He couldn’t stop talking about himself. And everything was about how much he had consumed. The very definition of narcissist behavior. Everything in the world is about him. He is vain, selfish and self-centered. He deserves his treats because by God, he works for them. His attitude is very entitled.

    He also missed experiencing anyone else at this party. Anyone there at the party would have loved being listened to. Anyone. He could have become an important person, by being a listener. He definitely has not achieved any level of importance here at this party. How can he, because who wants to admire a blow hard? The change he made in me was all negative.

    From the One to the Many

    I think that this is important information about human behavior because it indicates an inability to engage and experience. His cognition is limited. This is important information as we talk about human cognition overall. He will avoid any experience that does not allow him to stay unchanged. In other words, his brain is never challenged. He never has to think. All he ever has to do is pull a file out of his aging file cabinet and review the contents. He does not, nor has he ever had a management position, he is an engineer. Managers get a lot of feedback. Engineers don’t need to. Engineers live in a black and white world that is clear to them and others.

    Egor Myznik by Unsplash

    Scientists have wondered for decades why Homo sapiens survived when all others (Neanderthal, Denisovans) did not. It seems that the brain and cognition may very well have much to do with it. Cognition appears to have determined survival.

    Let’s add to this information the whole idea of neuroplasticity and the human being’s ability to adapt which makes the human able to continue growing and developing. Never has it been more clear to me than today and that is that the oppressors will not and do not want to change. Why would they? They are on top. They are winning! They have no need for adaptability, no need for neuroplasticity. When you are on top creating all of the rules there is no need for learning.

    I’ve written this in a moment of frustration and it makes so much sense here: People all over the world practice one upmanship on each other. This is a survival skill. Being on the bottom of the “regard” pile is unsafe. Everyone treats you badly and you can be murdered here. The murder can occur without thought and without anyone knowing and then without anyone caring.

    This is the danger you are in – if you are on the bottom of the humanity pile.

    How do we humans get to safety? How is it possible to make us all safe? How do we mark ourselves safe from each other? There is only one way and that is to create a world of equality. Create a world in which each of us is as important as each other is and money is no measure of a human.

    How Did Abortion get Involved Here?

    If you consume the news, you will notice that women have finally come up against the male’s resistance to change.

    You start to hear why men don’t want to talk about abortion, because men’s misogyny becomes clear. When the supreme court discussed Arizona’s and the Federal law which should trump Arizona’s law in the sense that the Federal law should allow healthcare providers to give women abortion care if they are having a miscarriage and you can hear in Amy Coney Barrett’s voice this surprise like “are you kidding me?” betrayal. We are going to put this woman who is hurting and in danger of being further hurt on a helicopter and we are sending her to a new state because we don’t want to honor the Federal law (EMTALA) over the 1864 Arizona state law? It was the male justices who are comfortable with allowing this kind of treatment of women who are in pain. The male justices who are comfortable with putting an injured woman on a helicopter to cross state lines because of an abortion issue.

    Men Don’t Want to Change

    The men’s misogyny is coming to the surface when we start discussing in depth, when we have that in depth discussion about abortion and that’s why we don’t want to have these discussions because we don’t want to reveal how much misogyny is present, particularly in the Supreme Court. That goes back to my point about men’s ability to change their thinking. Their ability to think differently and their ability to change. What’s happening right now is that men don’t want to change. The abortion issue is the iconic issue for them.

    Jeremy Beadle by Unsplash

    They don’t want to change and the abortion issue is the issue they are creating a band wagon around to keep things the same. It’s not just in regards to women, it’s in regards to everything. Men want to stay superior, there is no doubt about it. They want to stay on top. They don’t want anything to risk their superiority in this society. They are making sure that they keep their place on the top of the heap. This used to be a survival skill. Way back when we were hunter gatherers. The necessity for that skill has been gone for at least hundreds of years.

    The way they are going to maintain superiority is by not changing anything. They want this society to stay the same to maintain this superiority. They are going to do this by staying on top right here right now.

    Abortion

    Law

    Misogyny

    Cognition

    Changing

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  • Love and Relationships,  Personal Growth,  Psychology of Life,  Wise Words

    Decisions from the Funeral

    March 24, 2024

    It’s another day for a funeral.

    Today is overcast and wet. Not quite raining, more, just wet. It is not a life-changing funeral for us. I send a prayer to the heavens for that.

    Gulf of Corinth by Mary Newbold Sargent

    Nevertheless, it is an important funeral for us. My husband’s best friend is being laid to rest today.

    It is a tradition that I agree with. I believe it helps us with our many and varied feelings about life. We need the time to work through our relationship with the person who has passed away.

    For some, it is an interruption in a conversation. The interruption could have been a furious argument, or it may have been a soul-searching declaration of love. For any interruption there will remain a sense of incompletion.

    For others it is an end to a time in a life. For the child of, for the spouse of, it is an end to a time. It could be the end of a certain structure, a way of a family’s life. A central figure in the life of the family is gone and the family doesn’t know how to proceed.

    For others it can feel like the end to life itself. Nothing will ever be the same again. Life is unalterably changed, different than it has ever been. And these are those who suffer the most with this grief, with this moment in time. These are those who have lost it all. Most can recover, some will not, instead will follow to the space of darkness, never to return.

    We make the journey to meet all those affected in each different way. For us it is a struggle with mortality. Must death always win? Sometimes death comes with a plan, but other times it is all so sudden and cravenly wrong. Death can steal life in the brightness of day with no warning whatsoever.

    We come to make our peace with the dead man. For this time, we are the lucky ones. Our life will not change with the passing of this man. He will be missed, but the missing will make no change here.

    This funeral demands action

    What we must do in this moment is to grapple with mortality. We must see our own death and our own plans for the day that we pass and thus change our family completely.

    Mrika Selimi from Unsplash

    The finality of death looms over us. It changes our experience of life. If we acknowledge death, we must admit that our denial and anger separate us from each other. Our separation becomes a decision that must be reviewed. Can we really live this life in full resentment of each other? Can we really abide without ever having a conversation with our loved one about our relationship or our pain?

    We have to review our relationship decisions. We must acknowledge the gravity of our treatment of each other. It is a thoughtful time. It is a time of grief.

    Read More
  • Economy of Effort,  Fibromyalgia,  Mental Illness,  Personal Growth,  Psychology of Life,  Womens Issues

    Life Energy and Illness

    February 16, 2024

    I often wonder that our life energy is a finite resource. You are born with an amount of energy, and you cannot have more, no matter how you live. You can definitely get less, but never more. It makes me think that I must be careful with the energy that I have. Some events take huge amounts of energy without conscious expenditure. People don’t realize that life is taking their energy, stealing it to pay for healing a damaged body, or even a damaged heart. Research tells us that stress and the fight or flight response increases cortisol in our bodies.

    These responses to life’s challenges consume our life energy. Instead of a day of life energy, we may lose a month of energy to an awful stressor. Pain can consume us. It can burn through our energy stores like a forest fire on steroids. Great emotional pain is not an exception.

    Life Energy as a Commodity

    As teenagers, we have no awareness of our own energy and certainly none of anyone else’s energy. We believe that all things in our lives are there forever. We don’t believe in our own ability to change and transform. Our lives are permanent as is our constellation of others that we live and love with. This ignorance leads us to spend our energy recklessly.

    We are often fearless and don’t acknowledge a future of aging and our own mortality. The biggest challenge is aging into Fibromyalgia and looking back at those levels of energy and that standard of living.

    There is a well-established link between childhood trauma and chronic illness. Life energy is stolen by childhood trauma, whatever that trauma is / was, the expenditure of life energy to manage the trauma is life altering for the victims.

    teddy bear worn and torn lying on the concrete
    Lost Childhood by trym-nilsen from Unsplash

    These life beginnings are stored deep within our bodies and stay lurking in the shadows. They haven’t gone anywhere, but you couldn’t tell 22 year old me that my life energy had been drained away by the vampires of my childhood. I would have told you that all of that was behind me and that my future was my own.

    As my youth unfurled in front of me. I used my life energy mercilessly. Mothering took 31 years from beginning to the last 18-year-old completed high school. Those years were no holds barred, I worked as hard as necessary to provide everything I could to each and every one of them. That is what made me proud and happy, trying anything to give my children what they needed. I worked full time and went to school at night and when I became single I worked two jobs often.

    We moved often (awful landlords) and I could move an entire household in 3 days and return to work on Monday. I was often exhausted but never acknowledged it.

    Back to the Research

    A retrospective study doesn’t prove causation. A retrospectives study is when researchers ask you about your past life. Researchers notice what is called a correlation. That means that wow, a lot of x ends up when people are y. An example of this is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) which has a correlation with childhood sexual abuse.

    For people who are diagnosed with BPD, we notice that a majority of them have suffered through childhood sexual abuse. There is no proof that childhood sexual abuse causes BPD, but clearly there is a relationship. This is what is true with fibromyalgia, there is no proof that childhood trauma causes fibromyalgia, but a lot of people who have fibromyalgia suffered through childhood trauma.

    Childhood Trauma then Life…

    It is my theory that it is a function of life energy. Life energy that is sucked away by the horrible stressors of being exposed to trauma and pain in childhood. That spent life energy cannot be earned back and so it must be paid for later in life.

    Fibromyalgia can be many things, but it is primarily pain and fatigue. Of course, pain causes fatigue, but again, there is a deep and abiding fatigue that is the basis within which this illness lives.

    This fatigue stops activity dead in its tracks. This fatigue sends the patient to bed often and unwillingly.

    Life energy is not a popular concept because it implies a finite amount of energy. Instead of being scary, perhaps it can be appreciated more for what it is; a valuable commodity for living a beautiful life.

    Ka Age Institution
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  • Baby Boomers,  Management,  Psychology of Life,  Womens Issues,  Work

    She’s Gone

    February 9, 2024

    There She Goes

    The woman who needs make-up

    She wore it every day

    Her outfits were always to die for

    She never missed a sale.

    There she goes

    The woman who wears stockings

    But Comfortable shoes

    And a pretty hair clip

    With bobby pins to match

    There she goes

    Dane Deaner of Unsplash

    The woman who needs to buy lipstick

    The woman in a hurry to finish laundry

    She sails through the grocery store

    Wishing for the promised nap

    There she goes

    Rushing towards what is next

    Hoping she doesn’t see her ex   

    Finding a make-up remover that’s gentle

    Her fingernails always need help

    There she goes

    Is the phone charged

    Does the car have gas

    Has her oldest found a babysitter

    Will she get some rest

    There She Goes

    There is always something next

    Always somewhere to be

    Always someone to see

    Always a new need

    And There She’s gone

    There’s no need for lipstick

    No need to track down sales

    And why does she need that make up?

    Or those earrings?

    And She’s gone

    No one cares about her shoes, if

    They don’t fit, so what, no one is looking

    There’ll be no more phone calls,

    Because no one is calling

    She’s gone

    Read More
  • Love and Relationships,  Mental Illness,  Personal Growth,  Psychology of Life,  Speaking as a Parent

    Being Manipulated

    January 13, 2024

    Acquaintances as Therapists in your Conversations

    I’ve noticed in a lot of conversations when people disagree, instead of having a conversation about what they disagree about, one or the other of the people will accuse the other of not being capable of having a clear conversation. It’s usually an accusation about mental health. Comments like “you are too close to see clearly” or “you are letting your grief drive your decision making”, or the perennial favorite, “you are taking it personally”.

    Pop Culture as a Reflection of Life

    This tactic is in the books I read and even on TV. We recently watched Harlan Coben’s adaptation for TV. In a critical moment when a detective was caught out doing something very wrong, instead of a conversation about that, the supervisor was accused of taking things personally. While that sounds like it could be sexist because the supervisor is a woman, instead, it was just typical of how people are treating each other now. I’m reading Nelson and Alex DeMille’s Bloodlines and it’s a common tactic in conversations in this book. People are learning that a successful deflection can happen if they prey on the protagonist’s weaknesses. What this means is awful for everyone involved and no one gets to have a successful conversation about the actual issue.

    Mimi Thian on Unsplash

    Mundane and Daily Abuses

    The conversation goes like this between mom and teen kid. “Seriously, Corey quit leaving your shoes in the walkway, we keep tripping over them.” Corey responds with “Mom, you’re so OCD, can you stop nagging me?” Mom is thoughtful and sensitive and suspects that she may be OCD, (which is a serious mental illness). The conversation gets derailed and instead of Corey learning to be respectful of others and take care of his things, he instead learns to be manipulative and mean. To a teenager, this is a win. Later mom wonders why she is constantly picking up after others.

    So, what do you do when someone deflects? Often, it’s as easy as saying “you’re deflecting”. Other times, not so fast. Especially with those who have been successful in the past and use deflection as a way of life. Many use it as a way to never take accountability of their own actions. Deflect and then move on without ever addressing the real issue. Of course, it’s impossible to have true intimacy in your relationships, nor can you grow professionally if this is your way of doing business with others.

    Helpful Ways of Thinking and Behaving

    It’s important if you are the one who is being accused of an “issue”, that you keep your thoughts on the true issue. Do not allow others to derail you into giving in. It’s so important because it is a matter of having a successful relationship. It’s also a matter of boundaries, no one has the right to tell you how you are thinking or feeling.

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