• Love and Relationships,  Mental Illness,  Personal Growth,  Psychology of Life,  Speaking as a Parent

    Being Manipulated

    January 13, 2024

    Acquaintances as Therapists in your Conversations

    I’ve noticed in a lot of conversations when people disagree, instead of having a conversation about what they disagree about, one or the other of the people will accuse the other of not being capable of having a clear conversation. It’s usually an accusation about mental health. Comments like “you are too close to see clearly” or “you are letting your grief drive your decision making”, or the perennial favorite, “you are taking it personally”.

    Pop Culture as a Reflection of Life

    This tactic is in the books I read and even on TV. We recently watched Harlan Coben’s adaptation for TV. In a critical moment when a detective was caught out doing something very wrong, instead of a conversation about that, the supervisor was accused of taking things personally. While that sounds like it could be sexist because the supervisor is a woman, instead, it was just typical of how people are treating each other now. I’m reading Nelson and Alex DeMille’s Bloodlines and it’s a common tactic in conversations in this book. People are learning that a successful deflection can happen if they prey on the protagonist’s weaknesses. What this means is awful for everyone involved and no one gets to have a successful conversation about the actual issue.

    Mimi Thian on Unsplash

    Mundane and Daily Abuses

    The conversation goes like this between mom and teen kid. “Seriously, Corey quit leaving your shoes in the walkway, we keep tripping over them.” Corey responds with “Mom, you’re so OCD, can you stop nagging me?” Mom is thoughtful and sensitive and suspects that she may be OCD, (which is a serious mental illness). The conversation gets derailed and instead of Corey learning to be respectful of others and take care of his things, he instead learns to be manipulative and mean. To a teenager, this is a win. Later mom wonders why she is constantly picking up after others.

    So, what do you do when someone deflects? Often, it’s as easy as saying “you’re deflecting”. Other times, not so fast. Especially with those who have been successful in the past and use deflection as a way of life. Many use it as a way to never take accountability of their own actions. Deflect and then move on without ever addressing the real issue. Of course, it’s impossible to have true intimacy in your relationships, nor can you grow professionally if this is your way of doing business with others.

    Helpful Ways of Thinking and Behaving

    It’s important if you are the one who is being accused of an “issue”, that you keep your thoughts on the true issue. Do not allow others to derail you into giving in. It’s so important because it is a matter of having a successful relationship. It’s also a matter of boundaries, no one has the right to tell you how you are thinking or feeling.

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  • Economic Equality (A Goal),  Hmmm...,  Philosophy,  Psychology of Life

    Everything DOES NOT Happen for a Reason

    January 10, 2024

    The concept that I need to write about is “everything happens for a reason” and what it turns into for people. I just watched a TikTok where a woman discussed how her landlord treated her badly and caused her a lot of distress. Out of that she talked about how she grew as a human and that challenges happen to make you better, blah, blah, blah.

    No! Just like Christians, people who believe in fate are excusing bad people doing bad things. That entire TikTok should have been about how she confronted the landlord and let him know that he behaved quite badly and that he should NOT treat people like that! Why do we keep excusing bad behavior and then later attributing miracles and personal growth to others bad treatment of us?

    Look, I am not denying that fate will bring us growth. Even Eckhart Tolle has commented on the fact that humans who face the greatest challenges are often those that are the most enlightened. What I am saying is quit attributing your growth to the person who caused you pain! I don’t care how much you have grown as a human being, the person who did bad things to you needs to know that they have done bad things and you need to discuss it with them.

    Depending on what they have done to you, they might need punishment, such as in the cases of fraud and violence. There is this grey area out there where something that is NOT illegal turns out to be okay, no, no, it doesn’t.

    If someone lied to you to get you to do something, such as rent their property, then they should be confronted. They should never be given a pass just because your hardship turned out to be good for you.

    Tom Rumble — Unsplash

    This borderline behavior (not illegal, but awful) is becoming normal. Lying is becoming okay, stealing even better. Look at Trump’s many bankruptcies and think about all the economic ruin that he inflicted on others, ruined their lives, just so that he could build hotels. He thinks he is a winner because he got “over-on” all those contractors. Those contractors are people with lives and families that depend on their work. They never got paid. Think on that.

    Let’s stop giving people a pass when they behave badly towards us. Let’s go ahead and tell the world about that bad behavior. Go ahead and press charges if it is at all possible. Go ahead and give some verbal feedback. Sometimes that communication can lead to something good and if it doesn’t that’s fine too.

    Living in the moment requires us to acknowledge the truth of this moment, not some hoped for future, and not some vague personal growth.

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  • Love and Relationships,  Womens Issues

    Fortyish Women

    January 6, 2024

    Johanna Baynard

    Johanna Baynard

    2 min read

    I am not sure what is happening with women in their 40s, but it looks good. It puts me in mind of myself at that age and I remember it as a time of extreme freedom. That freedom so hard to attain, was from myself. I’ve always believed I am an unusual creature and never gave my thoughts, any thought.

    BB self portrait

    I am looking now at my daughter’s generation, my stepdaughter and their high school groups and I am seeing the same thing in them that I saw in myself.

    They’ve gained something with age. They are gorgeous women, one and all and they don’t fear claiming it. In fact, they are proclaiming that beauty without being braggy or overly conceited, they simply are.

    Rhea

    The inner beauty shines through with an inner prose that tells the story of their own lives. Those lives are well lived.

    There is a coming of age that is occurring in these women’s eyes. It is a coming of age that is well earned. It says, I am a woman, and even with that societal handicap, I am going to come out on top. Even with that handicap, I am going to feel better, do better and earn better and I am going to do it on my own.

    Johanna Jr

    These women will not be cowed. They will call out the BS so commonly dished out by others. They don’t hesitate to defend themselves and each other. Don’t dare to get near to their offspring in a threatening way, you will suffer their ire harshly.

    They love the luxury of a man, but it is a luxury, not a necessity. Being with a man may be divine, they can and will choose the time and place for divinity.

    Society nor man gets to dictate the lives of these women, nor the desires, no, but thank you.

    Women

    Love

    Aging Well

    Relationships

    Read More
  • Congress,  Corporate Greed,  Economic Equality (A Goal),  Politics

    Aw, Come on, Trump?

    December 13, 2023

    Johanna Baynard

    Johanna Baynard

    2 min read

    ·

    1 day ago

    Are there so many people in America disenfranchised from the main stream that Trump is a viable candidate? I mean at first I understood it.

    Trump is the white man’s last stand, I get it! Feminism and women in the work force is taking men down. They are all coming down and if not directly, then indirectly. Toxic masculinity group loves Trump, and they should, he stands for them. The “tragic masculinity” group, according to S.A. Cosby is self-aware, but can’t quite reach sensitivity. Many of them may also be following Trump.

    Yet, seriously, who else is following this guy? There can’t be that many stupid women.

    Aren’t we tired of blaming Biden for everything. Economists have proven that he is NOT responsible for rising prices, in fact now that prices are dropping, I’m not seeing anyone congratulating Biden. It may have been his fault that gas prices were high, but isn’t it Biden who deserves the credit for making gas prices low?

    Even the larger news outlets are reporting that high prices are due to corporate greed run amok. These guys are going overboard with price increases.

    Come on people, quite talking out of both sides of your mouth. Or is everything that is good due to Republicans (cue a picture of Jerry Falwell praising God.)?

    Are folks really listening to Joe Rogan so hot and heavy that there is no other reality? No one acknowledges the billion dollars that Jared Kushner received from Saudi Arabia while Trump was in office? The Republicans are still chasing Hunter Biden. Joe Rogan is obviously one of “those” guarding toxic masculinity with his entire energy.

    Aw Come on! Really, the best you got is Trump?

    JB Collection

    We need democracy in this country, not a dictator, nor do we need aristocracy. What makes us great, what makes us the best, is that every human in the United States (over the age of 18) has an equal right to vote.

    We need democracy in the United States, we need to vote, please vote to maintain your right to vote.

    Politics

    Elections

    Masculinity

    Corporate Greed

    Biden

    Read More
  • Love and Relationships,  Personal Growth,  Psychology of Life,  Speaking as a Parent,  Wise Words

    An Ode to Planning Your Future

    December 10, 2023

    Warning You About Life, Yes Warning for Young People

    This article is for you if you are middle or moving towards middle class.

    Good grief watching people grow into adulthood is difficult. My mother let me be when I was growing up. It is just the way it was. I was fiercely independent (why?) and she accepted my decision making. Even if she didn’t she was too busy working and killing herself by overworking to do anything about my choices as a child.

    Luckily I had some good ideas about where I wanted to go in life and what I wanted to do. I always had the idea that I was going forward, myself, not by directorate but because of my own ideas and wisdom.

    Youth

    I look at the wisdom word now and laugh, I had no wisdom then. Then I made a bad decision and married young and had 2 babies as a teenager. It was a bad decision because I was dumped very shortly after my youngest was born and was immediately in poverty with a real sense of desperation.

    Of course my mother helped me and protected my children. She even covered for me when all the struggling in the world was not enough to feed those children. This was back in the day when a father could abandon his child and get away with it.

    This is one of those decisions with very long term consequences. I can’t tell you how many times (countless) I said to myself: You made the choice to have children first, it precedes this moment, your duty is to them, the preceding decision.

    College is a Good Thing:

    How much more do college graduates earn than high school graduates and then high school dropouts? The margin is wide.

    I was lucky in that my life worked out to give me college. I was even able to go to graduate school. This balanced me and gave me the horizon I needed to continue, to be a professional and therefor to integrate into society. My mother’s family always worked on the edge of society. Patsy was a bartender for thirty years until the day that she died.

    Back to warning: those early decisions set the stage for your entire life, hence the warning. Sure, you can recover, I did. Make no mistake, the 10 years will cost you. The thing about it is, making those decisions at that age is always intense. You want to make decisions for yourself, but you also know that your parents are smart. How do you decide? Youth is hard.

    Photo by Nicolas Lobos on Unsplash

    Adulthood

    You get in the game; you’ve finally made it into adulthood only to discover that the game is rigged. I was 36 years old before I figured this out. I had managed a very successful business, and I was rocketing to the C-Suite when I found out that I would have to play by unethical rules to reap the rewards of the C-Suite.

    I had done all the things. These things that are requirements for successful middle class living only to find out that it doesn’t work for everyone. I was divorced. Shame on me. Then I was stalked. Then nasty things were implied then said and then done to me.

    It brought me to my knees. But it didn’t impoverish me, not this time.

    Get Back to Work

    Of course I got up and got back to work. It cost me. I swore off the C-Suite. My friend hired me, I told him no promotions, never, I would stay where I was. For the most part, I did.

    And you move on, then you move on. You think that you might want love and all the accoutrements. But that doesn’t work out either. And still, you move on.

    Be Thoughtful

    Whatever you do, be thoughtful. If fifty people tell you something about you, you might want to believe it. Don’t turn 40 years old and go “oh shit, how did I get here?” You can go online anytime to https://www.ssa.gov/  to see a perfect recorded history of your work life. That’s important information. My own son did not know that Social Security benefits entitled his wife to widow’s benefits if he passed away.

    Warning: Life Gets You, and not in a good way. Start out slow, trust older people who love you – yeah they have an agenda, but they also have wisdom: something that you don’t have when young.

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  • Congress,  Corporate Greed,  Economic Equality (A Goal),  Poverty,  Psychology of Life

    The Audacity of Those Who Believe they are above the Law

    December 1, 2023

    and How they Use Meritocracy to Justify

    And they are trained to it. They are trained to believe that they are better. That’s what the myth of Meritocracy is all about.

    This Woman Works 40 hours a week and cannot afford a car.

    If you MERIT more, then you get more. How do you merit more? In America, you have to be a white man. What American slang will say is “right off rip” you get more in life by virtue of being a white man. But wait, that’s not merit! Well yeah, yeah it is~ Google AI says:

    • Noun:
      • Worth or superior quality
      • Excellence
      • A deserving or commendable quality or act
      • Something deserving reward, praise, or gratitude
      • A reward or honor given for superior qualities or conduct
      • A grade in an exam or for a piece of work at school or university that is very good

    Note that the very first line says, “worth or superior quality”. If you have been around any fraternity, you will notice that each and every person in the fraternity feels that they “merit” a better life than others.

    And yet, here is the truth about our American system:

    Twitter:
    @DarrigoMelanie

    Walmart reported $453 million in profits last quarter. They’ve spent $1.3 billion on stock buybacks this year. Their CEO received $24.1 million in compensation last year. More than half of Walmart’s employees still earn less than a living wage.

    Many people believe that this is a just system. Those who are managing this system obviously believe that it is a just system, but what about everyone else? Many of my friends look down on others and they use meritocracy to justify it.

    Work in America, Library of Congress

    People all over the world practice one upmanship on each other. This is a survival skill. Being on the bottom of the “regard” pile is unsafe. Everyone treats you badly and you could be murdered here. Murder can occur without thought and without anyone knowing and without anyone caring.

    This is the danger you are in if you are at the bottom of the humanity pile.

    How do we humans get to safety? How is it possible to make us all safe? Mark ourselves safe from each other: One upmanship, that’s how. If I am “better” than you, I am more valuable to my community, therefore a threat will see YOU (the lesser being) being sacrificed. The people who own Walmart do give money to others. They give money to politicians because they want to make sure that the minimum wage is not increased. That is how they “merit” billions of dollars by keeping the minimum wage very low.

    How do Politicians Control Costs for the Wealthy?

    According to the Fulcrum: “Many of us have worked from home during the pandemic, but not everybody has that luxury. Have you been to your local grocery store? Minimum wage workers who have kept food on our tables have been called “frontline heroes” – and yet when the chance arose to increase their wage to $15 an hour, the proposal was voted down. And the vote was not just along party lines – eight Democrats joined Republicans in rebuffing the bill.”

    You can bet that the majority of those who voted against increasing the minimum wage are: White, Male and people who are not affected by minimum wage, ever. Thank you Congress, for stampeding all over poor people.

    How Does Walmart Do It?

    The formula for American companies is to artificially depress the cost of the service or product by using “slave” labor. This formula allows the company to keep the profits high and those profits go directly into the pockets of owners and shareholders.  The companies can’t control any other costs effectively: Who can control energy costs or the effectively: Who can control energy costs or the cost of plastic?

    To My Friend Mary~

    No Mary, giving people a living wage does not threaten YOU. It threatens the billionaires because their profit decreases. Don’t worry, they will just pay Congress to put more money in their own pockets. There now Mary, rest easy, you can still afford your spa treatments.

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  • Baby Boomers,  Corporate Greed,  Justice, the Human Construct,  Medicare,  Politics

    Medicare and the Ethos of Congress

    October 27, 2023

    Medicare Part D is a Vicious Lie that Keeps Insurance Companies Wealthy at the Expense of the Elderly.

    Please note that I am disabled (newly 5 years ago) and am reaching my Medicare age also. And note that I have a master’s degree in public health. 

    This past year I went with the lowest Part D Prescription coverage available. The reason I did was because my medications come primarily from Costco and it is all cash, so medications are cheaper there than my Medicare D insurance copays.

    National Cancer Institute

    The mistake was that I had to go on a new and expensive prescription in December, after I made all of my Medicare elections. I was diagnosed with COPD and was given Trelegy. This medication has helped me so much. I had started going to a cardiologist to find out why I was so breathless. He did several studies on me and I have no heart problems. I should have guessed COPD because I am a recovered cigarette addict. I smoked for so many years, it was ridiculous. Of course I was due for lung problems.

    My “donut hole” started in July. I’ve been paying 180.00 per month for Trelegy since August. With expensive medications, you need an expensive plan and I had chosen a cheap Medicare D plan (after all, I buy the majority of my medications for cash from Costco).

    The Agony of Medicare D

    For a couple of reasons, I’ve waited to get my estimates for the new year’s part D coverage and costs. It’s been a rough year. I have all new doctors because of my geographical move. I had to change several medications, partly because of new doctors and partly because my body just couldn’t continue the medication.

    Here I am once again looking down this corridor of ridiculous medication prices and impossible conditions that I cannot get away from.

    Buying Medications and HealthCare in America Should NOT be a Rip-Off

    More than sixty five million Americans are on Medicare. The insurance companies are cheating each and every one of us. They overcharge for premiums for medication and they certainly overcharge the United States enough to provide care (if an Advantage plan) and yet they do not provide care. The insurance companies fight patients to stop health care that they don’t want to pay for. That’s what prior authorization is, a way to stop a patient from getting care, a way to say no. The point is to ensure that insurance is profitable, insurance companies don’t care about patient care. We know this and yet it continues. Original Medicare does NOT require prior authorization, that’s because it’s health care, which is left to health professionals.

    I don’t understand how Medicare part D insurance works, but let me tell you that with insurance, I pay MORE for my medications than if I just pay cash at Costco. And the double dealing doesn’t stop there. Read this excerpt from the Medicare website about part D deductibles.

    Deductibles per Medicare:

    “This is the amount you must pay each year for your prescriptions before your Medicare drug plan pays its share.

    Deductibles vary between Medicare drug plans. No Medicare drug plan may have a deductible more than $505 in 2023 ($545 in 2024). Some Medicare drug plans don’t have a deductible. In some plans that do have a deductible, drugs on some tiers are covered before the deductible.”

    What I want to know is does the deductible count for anything? Does it count against my annual out-of-pocket expense for my drugs? These deductibles are high! I can’t find anywhere that Medicare addresses this or any practical financial questionnnnnnnnnnn.

    Back to Shopping for the Plan

    As a Medicare recipient, I am shopping right now for the best plan for me. It’s a long and tedious process – what my daughter calls a “rabbit hole”.

    Again, I buy a substantial number of my prescriptions from Costco for cash. Let me show you the difference between buying with a premium drug plan and cash:

    With my new drug plan the cost of Baclofen is:

    Baclofen 10mg tablet$62.26
    Medicare Website

    If I pay cash, no Medicare D insurance:

    • Baclofen              $16.79
    • from the Costco Website, drug pricing
    Albuterol sulfate hfa 108 (90 Base)mcg/act aerosol solution$55.57
    Medicare Website

    If I pay cash, no Medicare D insurance:

    • Albuterol Sulfate               $11.49
    • Costco Website

    I’m going through the trouble of copy and paste because this happened on 10/26/23! I compared prices and this is what I found.

    Why are Americans paying MORE for medications with insurance than without? WHY? Help me understand what kind of back room politics pulled off this deal?

    Most of my medications are like this, cheaper with Costco than with insurance. I need the insurance for medications like Trelegy. It’s $500.00 per month and the only way that I can afford it is with insurance. I pay $180.00 per month for Trelegy. Before I got into the donut hole it was $40.00 per month.

    How did the drug companies convince Congress to allow the drug companies to cheat the American people into poverty?

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  • Psychology of Life

    House of Rep — We Need a Redo

    October 15, 2023

    Johanna Baynard

    Johanna Baynard

    I’m not sure I understand why the great states of America are still following some old rules as made up by and for the House of Representatives. These rules have been around for far too long and they don’t serve the American people.

    One of the most enduring tests of logic is does “this” work for the apparatus that it is serving. When we ask this question about the current rules around the House of Representatives, when we ask this question about the Electoral college, when we ask this question about so many political concepts…the answer is no. Almost without exception, the rules around the House of Representative and Congress were made by a bunch of old white men, who are not even the majority in this country.

    A group of people are ostensibly elected by other people in this country. Those who are elected can commit crimes and still continue to legislate in this country. In fact, the legislative body has made quite a few laws that are nothing but to their own advantage. For their entire tenure Congress has health care that is highly subsidized, up to 75% but usually no more than 72%.

    A protest sign says When Injustice Becomes Law Resistance Becomes Duty
    Photo by Gayatri Malhotra on Unsplash

    And what really happens is ridiculous. Ethics seem rare in public office. If a public officer breaks a law they are just as likely to change the law and back-date it, once the case is reviewed. This was how DeSantis resolved his use of public funds to take migrants from Texas and fly them to a northern state in a publicity stunt early in his campaign for presidency. Nothing has happened to him, he hasn’t even been questioned.

    Those who work for these types of public officers, people who wouldn’t take a paperclip home with them, will allow and defend their bosses to continue this type of unethical behavior. In fact, the unethical behavior couldn’t continue without the help of their staff (paid for with public funds).

    Back to the Point

    We have a Congress that is not working. The reason they are not working is that they don’t care about working for America anymore. They are focused on their own righteousness and that is just about all that is happening in the House of Representatives. And the rules allow them to behave this way.

    Let’s make some new rules~

    If you’re not participating, in a working process, then get out.

    When you cease to serve the people of the United States, get out! We don’t need you.

    Tommy Tuberville, get out. You aren’t working for Americans anymore, you stopped quite a while ago. Why do we have rules that allow Tuberville (all by himself) to hold up our military to the detriment of national security?

    Photo by Nathan Shively on Unsplash

    Clarence Thomas decided that being around an uber wealthy friend who gave him uber wealthy gifts would not affect his legal opinion. He has been getting away with it for 30 years because we don’t have any rules to manage unethical Justice’ behavior. Our supreme court justices are supposed to be above all of that, sort of like Congress? Above the laws of “other” people. Their job doesn’t depend on their criminal behavior, they can continue making laws for the rest of us mortals.

    It’s B.S. and everyone knows it.

    It no longer serves us to follow the old white men rules, we need to make our own!

    Legislation

    Justice

    Ethics

    Injustice

    Congress

    Read More
  • Psychology of Life

    Software and the Old Lady

    October 8, 2023

    Johanna Baynard

    Johanna Baynard

    4 min read

    My husband and I got into a roaring argument about Society’s dismissal of older women. Older women’s experience is of no consequence, and older women are barely tolerated in society.

    Photo by Ravi Patel on Unsplash

    Guess who the old lady is? It is I. He exhorts me not to respond to the bland dismissal that everyone has for old women. It is bizarre to me that such a valuable commodity (old women) would be dismissed so heartily. It is as if we have been relegated to the old clothes pile, never to be considered again.

    Yesterday I was at the Emergency Room because of a UTI and intense pain in my back. I have an extensive medical history that I have kept track of assiduously. I have had back surgery and now have a spinal cord stimulator. It takes a bit of effort to keep my pain manageable. So here is quandary #2: disability. People really do not know what to do with disability and illness. (Beside the point for this paper, apologies.)

    The P.A. assigned to me asked me about how I was feeling and made a comment that my back treatment history was extensive. I asked him how he knew that. He smiled coyly as if he was a magician revealing a trick, and even commented that he was magic. I was asking because I wanted to know which set of medical records he was viewing so that we could be on the same page. I asked him again, he smiled again, next to me I could feel my husband stiffening up. He could tell that I was losing my patience with Mr. Magician who knew nothing about medical records. The records he was viewing were over two years old — old information that was irrelevant to our life now. Most facilities have contracts for medical records, but they do not share with other facilities that are out of their own network. Because of this you may have several sets of medical records, interspersed with your providers. Medical Records are not integrated.

    Photo by Ravi Patel on Unsplash

    I did not want to confront the P.A. and with my husband stiffening up, I gave in. I let him be magical. (Whatever.)

    At 12:30, I told him that we had to leave and asked if he would finish recordkeeping so that we could pick up prescriptions. Again, at 1:00 he is the coquette, look at all I have done for you, I faxed your prescriptions to…

    I looked at my husband. I looked at the P.A., “can you change this for me please? We have moved and this information is ancient.” The P.A. replied, “but this is what you told me.” He realized his error and back tracked. I hadn’t told him anything, remember the magician, he knows it all? He made us wait another 15 minutes, which was completely unnecessary. He even walked into the waiting room with my paperwork and turned around to help someone else. He was obviously resentful about the correction. Why?

    In the meantime, they sent my records to a primary care doctor that I no longer have. They had not updated anything, even though I asked.

    On my end, getting the prescriptions straightened out was difficult. He had not cancelled the original prescription and so when the correct pharmacy went to fill the prescription there was a duplicate that had to be removed. — All of that because old ladies are to be dismissed, devalued and ignored.

    Later that evening we were having a family gathering. I was having trouble with my words, most definitely. My granddaughter was describing how she met her boyfriend and she said “he DMed me”. To which I responded, “what software were you using when he did that?” My granddaughter said Instagram. Then my daughter-in-law laughed at me and said, “well she wasn’t using Quickbooks”. I’m guessing that the point was that an ap-plication is not software. Again, I am feeling like huh? Software includes applications. How do applications work? Well, they are software.

    Why is it so important for us to one-up each other? It is a continual game that I see people playing constantly. When are we to the point of letting it go? I don’t think safety and security reduces it; indeed, I’ve seen safety and security increase the need for one-upmanship to the point of creating exclusive enclaves that no one is welcome to unless they meet this criterion.

    Why is this old lady’s question ignored? Why is this old lady’s statement about software laughed at? What have I done to make these others treat me this way? I have grown old.

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