• Anxiety,  Mental Illness,  Personal Growth,  Psychology of Life

    Anxiety is Not Always Something to Worry About

    I taught mental health and addictions practitioners the dynamics of dual diagnosis back in the 90s. It was a challenging experience and a new way to see addiction as a mental illness and not a moral failing of weaker beings.

    I talked about anxiety a lot and one of the things I said was that anxiety was the one mental illness that had immediate physical affects: sweaty palms, hyperventilation and other such symptoms. I was wrong, all of the mental illnesses and addictions have an immediate physical component. However, some of the physical symptoms are not as well known.

    Anxiety does have a strong and immediate physical component, and this may be helping the confusion that exists today about anxiety. If you have ever had a panic attack, you know that heading to a doctor’s office feels right. It’s dramatic and of course, you feel ill.

    Worry
    Worry is the ultimate time consumer. Priscilla DuPreez, Unsplash

    Most people don’t know that mental illness is very well defined by the American Psychiatric Association. The Diagnostic Statistical Manual, aptly named the DSM, clearly identifies the symptoms associated with a diagnosis. It also defines the time parameters and number of symptoms required for the diagnosis. The DSM has been updated constantly and is now known as the DSM-5 TR (text revised).

    Anxiety feels real serious, right away. And yet, anxiety is part of the everyday human experience. It tells you that something is important to you. The well-known “fight or flight response is part” anxiety.

    Defining an Illness

    Many young people who write to me question their own anxiety as if they already have a mental illness. What I am beginning to understand is that often, they do not have an illness. These young people are living with life and the current recovery from Covid. Because we experience anxiety does not mean that we are mentally ill, it essentially means that we are alive.

    The Anxiety diagnosis is comprehensive and offers information about true mental illness. I find the crucial feature of the diagnosis is: “The anxiety, worry, or physical symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.” (DSM-5-TR).

    Almost every day, I write about this component of mental illness. To be defined as an illness, you must have a loss in function in some other area of your life. That means you cannot: go to work, take care of your children, engage in meaningful relationships. Let me tell some stories about those who do not function because of anxiety.

    A young mother who wakes up extra early in the morning before her shift, so that she can look at her sons safely tucked into their beds. She is able to go to work, but all weekend, she must stare (not watch) after her sons because if she does not, she is afraid that they will be hurt. During the weekend, she is unable to perform any function at all.

    Another mother who cannot go out of her home without experiencing extreme panic once she is in another place. She can pull up to Walmart’s for groceries that are stowed in the trunk by a Walmart employee, but she cannot enter Publix, without completely losing her sense of safety.

    A middle aged man who when going to work, tried to pull out of his driveway and always thought that someone was under his back tires. He would get out of his car, check his back tires and then get back into his car. He would then get out of his car and check his back tires again. He did this so many times that (if he could make it) he was always late for work.

    Real Life Includes Anxiety

    These are real people with anxiety disorders that can benefit from treatment.

    If you are driving to a meeting with your supervisor and your palms get sweaty, that is usually NOT an anxiety disorder. That is living life.

    When you see your child coming from school and something about the day makes your anxiety go away, that’s you, living life.

    If your boyfriend hasn’t called or texted in a few days and it makes you pace all around the apartment, that’s you, living life.

    You can’t get through life without fear, anxiety and pain. And when you do feel it, please know that, that’s you, living life.

  • Justice, the Human Construct,  Personal Growth,  Politics,  Psychology of Life,  World Affairs

    Self-Deception is all the Rage in the United States

    I’m not surprised that Trump and his ilk are having a heyday. You know that humans want to believe what they need to believe to make their own lives okay and even tolerable.

    What makes Country & Western so popular is the notion that blue color workers, though disenfranchised, are the backbone of America. They work hard, fulfill their promises, and love their dogs. These notions have shaped the American blue-color worker for generations. Along with these beliefs are those that shape the American woman, a woman who “stands by her man”, bears children and cares for everything related to the home. The Christians stand at the ready to provide a wealth of identifying beliefs in order to keep this picture in place.

    The same dynamic occurred with Blues Music. A rebellious strength became the clarion call for the southern African American. These identities were also propagandized by the Christians. Jesus Christ is seen as the first rebel against such injustice. Again, women are called to Christianity and the feminine ideology for “a good woman”.

    Why its Not Working

    The problem with these identity structures (as with any identity structures) is that they require a set of belief systems that are unreal for our current world. In my private conversations and in many public conversations I see over and over again that factual information MUST be ignored in order to verify pre-existing beliefs. Any new science that occurs in the world must be disproven or ignored, otherwise the picture-perfect belief fails. This can be disastrous for how people view themselves.

    I am Not a Forgetful Old Man

    An example of self-correcting belief systems is from my book club. My friend “Ethel’s” husband becomes angry with her when she tells him that he has forgotten something, either an appointment or a screwdriver, it doesn’t matter the subject matter. According to her, his real reason for being angry is that he is in his seventies and he is afraid of dementia. He sees himself as a strong resilient human being and doesn’t want to believe that he is growing old. He “corrects” by blaming Ethel for his forgetfulness; thus, he is relieved of reality and can go on thinking that he is NOT a forgetful old man.

    People do these kinds of personal affirmations in their lives on the daily. Our culture encourages it, just look at your Facebook feed for examples. It seems these cultural challenges are infecting every part of the American life on the daily.

    JB Collection

    So out of this American righteousness rises Ron DeSantis, current governor of Florida. He gets a lot of face time with Fox News. America has been challenged with the truth of its history and its current extremes of inequality. Americans falter with what they see as a challenge to the identity of America. America, the free nation (as long as you are wealthy), America, the righteous nation (as long as you are a practicing Christian) and now America the woke nation (whoops-not so fast). Ron DeSantis wants to reassure you that wokeness does not exist and it’s okay to ignore the reality that is today.

    We are good people, AND we did wrong things…

    Do we have to admit that slavery is wrong? Do we have to admit to perpetrating cruelty onto an entire race of people? Do we? DeSantis says that we do not have to admit to anything.

    Ron DeSantis’ general counsel defined Woke as: “A view that there are systemic injustices in American society and the need to have policies that address [them].”

    Wikipedia is more specific in its definition: Woke (/ˈwoʊk/ WOHK) is an adjective derived from African-American Vernacular English (AAVE) meaning “alert to racial prejudice and discrimination“.

     We, who are Americans, are struggling against the concept that we have done something wrong. This is why birth control is a struggle, we don’t want to admit that our earlier concepts about our world are wrong for today. And that’s what Woke means. We may have needed the old beliefs, but the time is now and we are not then.

  • Baby Boomers,  It is What it is...,  Psychology of Life,  Womens Issues

    Hating Myself and it’s Stupid

    Stop hating on yourself! Ugh. So much of my life was about being beautiful, being attractive, being pretty. It is hard to believe that I am not now that…

    I was never able to explain to my husband that it was okay to not be “hot”, because God knows I was tired of being hot.

    Being Attractive can be it’s Own Hell

    I was constantly harassed, called, followed, received lewd comments and always the proposition. Are you kidding me? It was always an issue. I’ve even had my share of stalkers, yes.

    I wanted it all out of my life. Do I really have to listen to people drone on and on about how they are hung up on me?

    No.

    I don’t. Really I don’t.

    So here I am hating myself because I have gained 30 pounds which makes me less than attractive. It’s what I wanted. I wanted people to stop hitting on me and pushing me to have sex with “them”.

    “Long Ago Woman” JB Collection

    I’ve gotten old, of course, now 64. That (and being married) helps to stop people pressing me for “more” out of the relationship. The most effective “stop” sign is my weight. Adding 30 pounds has turned off any chance of having admirers. Even hubby isn’t sure (of course, he loves me).

    I caught myself hating myself. I was looking at my thighs and I was hating on my own body. What is that about? I’ve actually relaxed and I am enjoying life. Why am I hating on my own body? That is ridiculous. I love myself and should be loving my body!

    There is this complicated relationship between my body and I. I’m hating on the fat that I have; at the same time that I am saying that the “skinny body” sexiness is bull and is an awful misrepresentation of women. Real women don’t look like models, although lots of them try very hard to mimic the look.

    I need to find a way to be okay with my body. I need to find a way to embrace the me that is and let go of that long ago woman who could conquer a room by walking into it.

    This is me, UGH.

  • Economy of Effort,  It is What it is...,  Love and Relationships,  Management,  Philosophy,  Psychology of Life,  Wise Words

    What you need to Know about Life in 2023

    The tree compensates for imbalance by growing a long and heavy limb in the opposite direction of its tilt. JB

    1. Serendipity is your friend. People are beautiful, but only if you believe it. A big smile helps.
    2. Changes don’t trickle in; they move with a big whoosh. Move away from the coast and for heaven’s sake, get out of Florida.
    3. You can’t have it all, where you put your life force, is your result, so work hard first, then create a family.
    4. If you already have the family, then nurture them, there is no shortcut in parenting.
    5. Trust yourself implicitly. Sometimes, you will invest in a bad relationship anyway, when you do, forgive yourself immediately.
    6. Blame is a variable and you can invariably blame anyone that you like, any time that you like.
    7. Take responsibility for your actions, after all, no one else is “driving” you, you are driving you. That includes traffic: leave early.
    8. Figure out ways to love who you love: a touch, a smile, a kiss or a moment. Make sure that it lasts by giving your authentic self to the relationship.
    9. Right, Resentment, Revenge: keep the 3 Rs from ruining your life. You may be right, but you will end up wrong when your resentment turns to revenge.
    10. Go ahead and go to therapy. You can learn everything you need to know to get by with life.
    11. Discipline – it works when you have it. Make it easy for yourself to be disciplined. If it is too hard to be disciplined, you will not do it.
    12. Some days, weeks and even months are awful. It is what it is. (I hate that saying.)
    13. Learn balance ~
    14. Know when enough is enough. Don’t linger in a situation that is bad for you. You will know when it is bad.
    15. Good enough is enough. Perfection is over-rated.
  • Love and Relationships,  Personal Growth,  Philosophy,  Psychology of Life,  Womens Issues

    The Darkness Between You and I

    I’m not sure what to do with the emotional energy that comes about as the result of a betrayal perpetrated on me.

    Angry at You
    Angry at You (Dollar Gill at Unsplash)

    There are the hurt feelings, the wish for revenge, and the desire to scream out how ridiculous this situation is. I want a confrontation; I want the chance to tell others how I feel about this awful situation.

    I can’t do it. It would cause a rift in this family, the likes of which could damage us. This is about people that I love unconditionally. They are doing what they learned to do in their childhood. I saw this behavior in my husband, but he quickly obliterated it from his repertoire.

    There is this human thing about wanting to be better than others. It is a reason why racism is still rampant in this country: there must be someone that is less than us, there must be someone that we can disparage. As humans, we just want that chance to be on top.

    There is this other filthy habit, called gossiping. When it is combined with our need to be better than others, it can be deadly. People who have been taught to gossip can and will unashamedly talk in nasty ways about someone they know. This is something they must do in the dark, they cannot and do not dare to say ugly things to the person’s face.

    Therein lies the sadness and betrayal. This activity that the perp engages in must be done in secret, in the dark. This way, the untruth of the gossip and the necessary superiority gets to grow like a bacterial infection.

    The more it is expressed, the more real it becomes, but only to the perps, not to anyone else.

    Tolle on Letting Go

    This is the basis of separation between you and I. When you express your dislike for me and your disregard for others, you are separating yourself from me and mine.

    Perhaps that is the goal of such communication. You stand there in your (holier than thou) enclave, gated in your community, doing for yourself and no other.

  • Corporate Greed,  Economic Equality (A Goal),  Justice, the Human Construct,  Psychology of Life

    The Culture Cozy

    It struck me the other day, as I was scrolling through Facebook, that my friends who have dared not to move past their family of origin culture are the ones who are enamored with Trump. It’s a well known fact that the “less-educated” are statistically more apt to be Trumpers. But I never connected the dots in real time.

    And then it struck me as I was scrolling. My girlfriend Debbie from 6th grade, back in Fruitville, shared some trump propaganda on my feed. Debbie has never left the life we led back in Fruitville. I don’t mean that she didn’t move, I mean that she stayed in the backwoods persona of the Florida girl. She never left the old neighborhood and the old culture.

    Now it is true that the not-educated white people have a reason to be disenchanted with politics as usual. America is in the worst place it has been in a hundred years, both politically and economically. I am with them on the idea of getting rid of the same old rhetoric that has controlled our congress for a hundred years.

    A Large ugly mosquito on a white background.

    Trump is not the answer and to think he is the answer is to be an anti-intellectual. Debbie is the kind of person to vote for Trump because no one has ever crossed her path in any way that challenged her way of life. Whatever beliefs her mom and dad passed down are still stuck there in her and her family’s head. They are resisting computers, they are still fishing in the Everglades and they are all still beer drinkers or pot smokers. They don’t like reading, except maybe the newspaper, and never made it past high school in any meaningful way. She lives in the Fruitville culture cozy. There are a lot of people who are satisfied with life as it is. There is nothing wrong with this culture, it is simply stagnant. Thinking doesn’t happen, it’s a culture of thoughting. Everything I think of today, I also thought of yesterday.

    I began thinking about some of my other friends who publish Trump propaganda and realized there was this common thread. They are culture complacent and culture cozy. And as is true to form, not college graduates either. They stayed in the same place, no matter how many years past high school they are. Some are literally, in the same place, they were forty five years ago.

    To a great extent, these friends never realized that they were having life NOW, many of them planned for later and in their complacency, later never came. They are solid Trump supporters because for some reason, they believe that the man will help their situation. I’m not sure how or why that was supposed to happen, but I hope that they realize that it did not happen. Trump did NOTHING for the little guy. Trump never helped human rights, he never decreased taxes for the poor or middle class. He literally did very little for anyone other than himself and the wealthy during his presidency.

    Because the uneducated can be *practiced* in denial, they are often caught arguing for Trump, when there is nothing to argue for. Trump’s policies did not, in any way benefit the poor in Florida, or in any other state. Unless you believe that the ability to carry an AR-15 is somehow important to your liberty, Trump did not help you.

    I am disgusted by anything Trump. However, this country cannot continue to get away with raping the poor to the benefit of the rich.

    TAX THE RICH — AOC by Nina Westervelt with New York Times

    It just cannot continue. The middle class and the poor must have some breathing room. We need a raise of the minimum wage. We need free college education, free pre-k and free health care. We need to give Americans some of the same benefits that most western countries enjoy. Our country is poised for violence and hate, and it is armed to the hilt. As ignorant as Trumpers are, they are part and parcel of a group of people that are tired of being used by the big corporations and the billionaires.

    The next uprising may be more violent, and believe me, if it happens, we will think that Trumpism was a walk in Central Park.

  • Personal Growth,  Psychology of Life,  Wise Words

    The Source Matters

    I’m not sure why, but the source of an injury can dictate mood and feelings afterwards.

    So yesterday, at my usual Renal Pharm scan, I got into a conversation with the technician. She had a lot to say about a patient that she has who is extremely angry and bitter.

    This lady had a hysterectomy years ago. When the surgeon was repairing an issue with her surgery, he nicked her ureter. For those of you who, like me, don’t know a thing about urination, it’s actually easy. First the liquids go to the kidney which is below the liver and the lungs. We have one kidney on the left side and one on the right side. The kidneys have a little straw shaped object called the ureter that carries the liquid to the bladder. The bladder then “squeezes” the urine out of the body.

    National Cancer Institute on Unsplash

    Because of the repairs to her ureter, and that it doesn’t quite fit correctly, the lady must go in for the Renal Pharm scan yearly. She complains bitterly that her surgeon caused her life to change, and she hates the scan. She is harsh and nasty about this situation. She deeply resents the need for the annual Renal Pharm scan.

    Conversely, my issue is a congenital deformity. I have too much of things. My right kidney has two ureters. I also have bilateral cervical ribs. I have extra body parts inside. I tease my twin sisters that I must have been a twin in utero and somehow lost my twin in the womb, so I was first, LOL.

    In any case my second ureter danced around inside my body and became twisted up. That caused lots of UTIs (urinary tract infections) that made me so sick that I couldn’t get out of bed. The first time my doctor could not figure out what was making me sick. I did not have the usual pain, instead I was nauseated, exhausted and the best clue is that I became incontinent. They sent me to a urologist where we located the problem. I had great surgery! My surgeon was amazing and using robots, they took the skin from my mouth and used it to build a better ureter. Again, amazing. My surgeon continues to follow me and yes, I am required to repeat my Renal Pharm scan periodically, much more often than annually.

    From the beginning, the techs have commented on how calm I am. The scan is uncomfortable, and you must lay on a table for a good bit of time. You also must have an IV. It’s definitely not a walk in the park. I take it easily because I am constantly tired. I will lay on the table because of this and I feel no frustration.

    At no point am I angry, nor bitter. I’m thinking that the reason I am comfortable with my scans is that I have no one to blame for my congenital deformity. I can’t even blame the nonexistent twin.

    I’m guessing that if I had someone to blame, if I thought my deformity was a result of someone’s sloppiness, I might feel differently. I don’t think so. I can’t make myself suffer for someone else’s mistake, even if that mistake was committed against me.

  • Politics,  Wise Words

    Don’t Call School Safety and Mental Health Care — Gun Control

    *Photo by CDC on Unsplash

    NRA owns our Republican senators. What a shame. Because of that, we aren’t making one iota of progress with gun control. We are going to get better school security, we are even going to make some progress with mental health interventions, but we are NOT going to get gun control.

    Mitch McConnell and the Republican congress have been successful at blocking meaningful legislation since 2008 (how old was he seriously?) The entire focus at that time was making sure that Barack Obama was unable to fulfill campaign promises as the Republican legislative bodies were blocking all democratic efforts.

    This has been the thrill of the Republican party: block anything that is Democratic. The republicans can’t make it with “good works” and “power for the people” which is alright with them. They make their success a financial success. And wow, the republicans have made so much money, you wonder why they don’t retire?

    This retirement question is huge for me. Mitch McConnell is 80! I’m 63 and I’m exhausted. It’s true that I haven’t lived rich white man privilege, but still, I’m exhausted. How does anyone who is 80 years old work full time? Am I ageist for saying this? Do I feel that way about Nancy Pelosi? Why yes, yes I do! Term Limits would be great, or even (sigh), mandatory retirement.

    To the Madness…

    Alexandria Ocasio Cortez has given me “young people hope”. Bernie Sanders knows lots and lots of young people who can do these jobs well and who will not take money to (do their jobs) legislate.

    Why does our country continue this madness? Gun manufacturers, use the NRA to protect their ability to sell the AR-15. Why is this even a thing? Before the assault weapons ban went into effect in ’94, there were about 400,000 AR-15-style rifles in America. Today, there are 20 million. They began to be used more in mass shootings.

    Problem Definition

    Essentially ~

    We know that guns are a problem for our society. We know that guns are often used to slaughter human beings.

    We know that: Automatic weapons or semiautomatic weapons are inefficient for use in hunting. These rifles are still used in hunting, but not usually for hunting an animal that can be eaten. In other words, they are used for hunting nuisance animals.

    In no case is the semiautomatic weapon necessary to the American way of life.

    Yet the AR15 is ubiquitous and cheap, as easy to get as a hunting license. How is that possible? Are there really 20 million people using an AR15? That is how many AR15s there are in America.

    We wonder, is there a way that Americans can change this? Our legislative bodies, the House of Representatives and the Senate are not willing to engage in any form of gun control. Our current representatives refuse to do what must be done.

    I regret that I must say “Unknown Source” and from our last school shooting.

    Republicans continue to block Democrats and since the NRA is a Republican supporter, gun control, which is supported by Democrats, does not even go to a vote. Instead, we talk about the security of our schools, the lack of mental health care, we talk about everything except the guns. It’s as if guns are not relevant to the discussion.

    Yet guns are at the center of the discussion.

    How is it possible that people do not see how guns are ruining the lives of our youth? The number of guns in America is well above any other country in the world; and we have the highest rate of deaths from guns. Among developed economies, no others have nearly as many violent firearm deaths as the US.

    When people say, people kill people, guns don’t kill people, I want to scream! I’d also like to point out that in America, Guns = Death. The statistics don’t lie about that. We are the country that is doing a wrong thing. That’s not something that America wants to be: we don’t like being wrong.

  • Justice, the Human Construct,  Politics,  Psychology of Life,  World Affairs

    Chapter Four: No Justice

    Justice, the Human Construct: Not Doing Well

    Your faith in God allows you to look outside of yourself for solutions to discomfort misunderstanding. These are all solutions that come from within.

    There are millions of people (right now!) that are praying for the demise of Putin. If not the demise then at least the “change of mind” of Putin.

    Not only is Putin well and fit, but he doubles down on his complete destruction of the country of Ukraine.

    Christians want to know “why is God allowing this human suffering, injury and death to continue?”

    I want to know “why are humans allowing this human suffering, injury and death to continue?”

    America promised it would not allow the atrocities of World War II to ever happen again.

    Here we are the atrocities are happening again.

    “The Death Among Us” Jamie Zepp 4/17/21

    This Agnostic Does Not Fight Against a Belief in a God

    There is a spiritual oneness in the universe and that oneness can be magic; just as we believe that God can be magic.

    Strength, Courage and Peace all come from the oneness of humanity; just as we believe that it can come from God.

    Love and support, all come from the oneness of humanity; just as we believe that it can come from God.

    Miracles are available with prayer and yet also available with this belief in God.

    Prayer is a human endeavor, as is faith. They do not source from anywhere except the beliefs of the individual who is praying with faith.

    Anyone can touch the magic by being one with humanity.

    The question now is, are there enough humans who want peace above all else to create the magic?

  • Baby Boomers,  Justice, the Human Construct,  Love and Relationships,  Philosophy

    Chapter 3: The Stories We Tell

    When our loved ones pass away: We need to think that our loved one is close by. We want to think that our loved one is still present. We’ve made up a place for our loved one to go to wait for us: Heaven. We’ll talk with our loved ones just to show, just to demonstrate that our loved one is still present, here on this Earth.

    It’s what we need because of our broken hearts. It’s an understatement to say that we have a broken heart when we lose loved ones through death. It’s a kind of heartbreak that only those who have experienced will know.

    by Marian Naworski

    That heartbreak transforms into desire. The desire is a need. The need then transforms to lying to self. These lies transfer, they become part of thinking and even actions. We have all of the rituals around death that truly help us through the journey. When we take that next step, when we make believe that our truly beloved is still somewhere (like heaven), we lie to ourselves and to the world.

    We go to the cemetery, or we talk to our funeral urn as if it is a living thing. We miss those we love so much that we pretend they are near. They are not nearby. Not only are they not near, but they do not exist anymore in any way.

    Christian religion gives to all *this pretend life* that assuages the heart. As noted before, one reason the religions have been so successful is that they offer such comforts to us. We have socialization, we have a north star that we are reminded of weekly. We have comfort in times of grief, and we have a source that gives us a basis for our own belief systems. All these things can be ours if we will but choose a religion and practice it.