Sarcastic and Mean

I know it doesn’t seem like much, because the world is so frustrating; what’s wrong with being frustrated and then saying sarcastic things?  Aside from the fact that we all know better than to say things when we are angry, I’m talking about the more insidious day to day conversation that is so average, so every day, that most people don’t even look at it any more.  I’m talking about the casual comments, when we make a mistake and someone says “You’re stupid” or “You’re a dumbass.”  Comments like these creep into the conversation because they occur during frustrating moments and frustrating moments happen when we are busy, pressured and in a hurry.  That’s exactly when these kinds of comments will have to go un-addressed, because the moment when they occur is already too full!

Here is the deal: we always have a different goal in mind than the goal that is accomplished with the sarcastic and mean comment.  A sarcastic and mean comment accomplishes: hurt feelings, more anger, and a diminished sense of relationship.  Whenever I ask someone what they are trying to achieve they hardly ever tell me “I’m trying to diminish my relationship.”  Every once in a while a very immature person will say “I want her to feel bad, she made me mad!”   Every once in a while; someone will admit that they are being vindictive.

Ah yes, the time honored value of vindictiveness – that urge to make someone hurt as much as they have hurt you.   If you are interested in destroying the other person, because there is no hope of continuing the relationship, by all means continue with behavior that is diminishing, because for sure, you are not only destroying the relationship, but the person’s feelings for you.  Here is where vindictiveness is a bit of a paradox: if you are truly done with the relationship, then why continue to put effort and energy into it?  Any kind of energy you put into it is draining and negative energy can be particularly draining.  Vindictiveness is a kind of “mental masturbation” it creates nothing, merely repeats a final message.  It surely doesn’t accomplish a continuation of the relationship.

Sooo, back to sarcastic and mean: what do you want to create in your relationships?  Hurt feelings, angry responses, injured pride?  What do you really want?  If you are hurt, frustrated and angry, what’s wrong with simply stating it?  “I am so pissed off right now!!!”  “I am hurt by what you just said!!!”  “I am frustrated with this conversation!!!”

I am sure that if you are willing to express what is really happening with your feelings, then your chance of saying “I love you” and “You make me happy” will increase exponentially.  But, that’s only if your goal is to HAVE and KEEP the relationship.