The part of this brain tornado that is driven by thinking and emotions is the knowledge that I must change from what I was into something / someone new. This is a very difficult task at its best and a horrific task at its worst. Fortunately for me, I own the difficult and I am past the horrific. What is difficult about it is that who I was, was very cool. I fit my belief systems about what is good and right. I fit into my idea of stylish and witty, smart and even pretty. Changing feels like doing something wrong – or else – was I already wrong?
If everything was right, how can a transformation be right? The truth is that there are a lot of different ways to be and do right. Many of them are wildly different from each other. The issue is my own: I would sometimes say to myself “I don’t want to be anything like her or even him.” So my own justification came from making someone else wrong, an ugly practice, but real all the same. Certainly there are behaviors that are not to be copied or emulated, and it’s okay to be clear about all that. My brain sometimes took it a step further and justified my actions by casting aspersions on other’s actions. Sometimes I would create the other/me dichotomy. In stepping forward, I must re-examine all of that, I must let that go.
I’m guessing that the turmoil, that the tornado is caused by the self doubt that must precede life changes. Who I am no longer fits my life. Who I am and all of the behaviors that are comfortably me are not needed here. My entire universe tells me to move on. It is I who lingers on the precipice doubting my next step, it is I who wishes that change would not be change. It is I who must take that next step knowing that what was, was beautiful, and what is, can take my breath away.
