In the case of my sister, her attacks were of me, but not me. She railed against everyone and everything. She felt victimized by the “system”, and struck out blindly at each and every one who was around her. She ended up becoming her anger. I lost her somewhere in the nineties, I couldn’t cope with her relentless wrath.
So, I said “anger can be un-chosen”. She answered, “but, there are reasons for my anger, people take advantage of me”. I persisted, “you can decide that anything does or does not make you angry.” I wanted her to understand that the choice lies in the mind, not outside of self with the other person’s behavior. The choice to be angry is always our own choice. We can say to ourselves “stop, no more anger right now!” In the case of my sister, anger is still the chronicle of her life, yet her example is not the only type of anger gone awry, sometimes anger goes underground. This is the insidious type; I much prefer the loud type of anger to this type of anger. If you are angry with me, please say so, don’t sabotage me for a later discovery. In either case, the relationship gets destroyed. Anger and the fear of retribution becomes the focus of relating. That is the kind of relationship that I must run from. Sometimes, we must relinquish entire relationships to save ourselves.
I have a note on an index card that I keep with me and read daily: I promise not to get angry about personality failures. I promise not to get angry about mechanical and electronic failures; my inconvenience is not worth a heart attack.
In regards to our conversation; I fervently want to have this relationship. I also want this relationship to be healthy. I fear that we stand on a precipice where anger is not an emotion, but instead is a condition. When the anger becomes the condition, the life becomes a series of reasons to be hurt and angry. How difficult that is!
Please, please step back from that precipice.
