It’s Okay to Change You If…

I was thinking about how young couples are often in a conversation of change.  I’m not sure if it is entirely evident to the couples, but when one is observing it seems clear that is what they are speaking to.  My own interpretation is that there is something inherently wrong with trying to change another.  If you speak with marriage counselors there is this old adage that if you are thinking “this will change after we get married” you are making a mistake.  Folks don’t change or they won’t change.  When I watch my beautiful daughter struggle with dating, there seems to be a similar dynamic in all of her relationships.  It’s almost as if everyone she meets is interested in making her different in some way.  She is so strong and so clear, it is as if her essence challenges the male psyche.  There is so much in relationships that remains unspoken.  The center of power is always an issue that is seldom discussed.  My daughter will not relinquish her power, not with herself and not with her life.  This often seems to be a point of contention in her relationships.  I think that it is a good thing that she maintains her power and I like that she sees herself so clearly.

Isn’t it inherently wrong to try to change another?  Isn’t there some kind of basic rule that is violated when you say to another “change yourself in order to be with me”?  Isn’t finding a partner equivalent to finding someone who actually accepts who you are?  In a successful relationship, you do not need or want pretense, you are comfortable, you are accepted when you are in the presence of another.

Yet, for the last fifteen years my profession is changing people.  I work in substance abuse treatment – and I could say – well yes I am just looking to change peoples’ behavior, but I know that is not true.  What I have found to be true in my work is that people do not stop self destructive behavior until something inside of them changes.  It is an internal change and while I cannot name the internal shift that occurs, I do know that it must occur for the behavior to change.

Why is a profession of change okay and the changes demanded by a relationship not okay?  Why are some behavior traits a bad thing, and some behavior traits a good thing – I mean outside of the obvious?  Well, there are two ways of identifying whether a change you want in another is appropriate:  1) it’s a change that your entire society endorses, such as quitting smoking or drinking or drugging; but the most difficult identification of all is:  2) the change you are requesting is not about your ego and it’s not about making yourself comfortable at the expense of another (the one you wish to change).

The new research says that people will change.  What kind of changes do you want in your partner?  Do you wish for your partner to think and act like you, thus sacrificing all that makes them who they are and wish to be?  Do you wish for your partner to be better and different, someone that perhaps you have never met, just a vision in your head?

There is something about my daughter that reminds me of a warrior princess, strong, free and proud.  Because she is intense, loving and beautiful there is no lack of men who wish to be part of her life.  My daughter is the ultimate alpha female.  When she enters a space, she is the center of the universe, all eyes are on her.  She has very little awareness of this dynamic, it doesn’t occur to her that she “centers” her world; it is just who she is.  Yet there is something about all of that – the warrior princess – that men inherently want to change.  Not sure why that dynamic sets up the conflict and I am not even sure if that is the dynamic that does set up the conflict.  I do know this.  My daughter will do as she wishes.  There is no someone who will convince her to be different than who she truly is.  Trust me, I’m her mother and have worked on it for 27 years.  If she decides she will change, then she will.  But, she will always be the warrior princess and she will always be the center of her pack.