No Breathing Spark of Illumination

I go into surgery this week – and that fact – of all things, has me feeling lonely.  So when Lisa said “Do you have anyone to go with you?”  I almost cried in relief because I said “no” and she said “I will take you”.  Lisa is my ghetto babe and she calls me Mama.  She has been there for me more times than I can count and of course, I have never felt adequate to that.

I know that my family loves me, but I know that this is not a chore for my children.  Johanna (who is 824 miles away from me) texts me “Mom I’m really worried about you! I feel like you aren’t being a hundred % honest with me and I know it’s because u don’t want us to worry.  But I’m literally having stomach aches over it! I can’t loose you and it kills me to think you’re in pain or something’s hurting you!  Please be honest with me about what’s going on and let me know when and what’s happening!  Maybe these stomach aches will go away!  I love u more than words will ever describe!  You are not finished here and have many things to do and see happy and healthy! Take care of yourself mama!”

Haven’t really processed through this situation, and it is true that I lied to the kids about the biopsy.  But I remember sitting in the Doctor’s office and thinking “No, God would never do that, I am the last one living in my kids life, of course I will live for a long time – God would never take my kids only parent away from them.”  It just doesn’t seem plausible, doesn’t make sense.  I keep going over it in my head.  How did we get here?  I mean as a family, what the hell happened?  Plain and simple, everyone died.  Until I was 37, 15 short / long years ago, I was surrounded by parents – I had 5 of them!  I had a husband, a father to my children.  It’s true our marriage didn’t make it, but we kept up the parenting always.  We were partners in crime when the kids misbehaved; we would plot and manipulate to stay on the same page to discipline and to love.  And now gone, all of them gone, and I am left standing alone.  Normally I am fierce, I can be cruel, I can be endlessly strong.

But now, as I face this betrayal of my body, I weaken, I cry, God forbid, I’m a sissy.  I can’t stand sissies.