No one notices it quite like I do. No one is at all concerned about the perfect match of my earrings to my outfit. I was quite deflated when I realized this. But then, something happened, I became immersed in my own standards. To heck with whether or not others realized that my lipstick was a perfect match for my fingernail polish, I realized it and I cared. At some point, I became the approver of my perfect appearance. When that happened, I was relieved! I didn’t become less caring about my appearance, I was the same.
For Ella Mae, my mother-in-law, it was quite a different matter. When she passed in 2005, I had not prepared in the same way I did my mother. I loved her and told her so, but she never knew how important she was to me and our family. Because she was a formal woman, there just was not the casual love that was available in my family of origin.
I have valued Ella Mae more in retrospect, than I ever did while she was alive. My own mother knew how much I valued her, I wrote cards and letters and expressed my joy and love in many different ways. Ella Mae, not as much. I am very grateful for her contribution to our family and for this reason, I have for the last 12 years been valuing her “things”.
I know better than most that guilt is no replacement for current action and present love, and yet, here I am indulging in guilt because I did not treat her the way that I would want to treat her today. I find myself thinking “I must hang onto to Ella Mae’s china so that I can pass it on to my daughters.” Why would I want to imbue value onto the china if I didn’t feel some measure of guilt? I didn’t value Ella Mae enough while living and so now I must value her china to show the kids how important that she was. It’s just not necessary with my mother’s things because her value was so well established while she lived.
In this case, I think the point of guilt is so that I can convince myself that I loved her enough and that she knew it. If I didn’t love her enough while she lived, I am trying to make up for it. This is a burden for all of us. It is a burden that I do not wish to bear, nor do I believe that there is any way to make up for my behavior once someone has passed away, nor will I make promises about future behavior. I simply must say that Ella Mae gave us much, she taught manners and in this way made us comfortable in any environment. Ella Mae taught me that birthdays are important, my family never celebrated birthdays, it was Ella Mae who brought that tradition to us. She loved step grandchildren and biological grandchildren and tried very hard to be fair. She was not fair; the attempt was there. For this I am grateful.
Ella Mae was a very gracious woman who welcomed everyone into her home. She saw holidays as a means to give me a rest and she would never let me lift a finger or ‘bring’ something. She cooked like a chef and hostessed like a queen, and it was those talents that she passed to me. She had a beautiful silk hanging in the dining room. For some reason both of my sons had to touch it every single time they passed by on the way to the kitchen. She may have grimaced and she may have said something, but she never got mad. Her graciousness extended to everyone.
Maybe now that I understand why I am hanging onto the china, I can actually put it down. No one wants that stuff anymore. I do hope that I can pass on graciousness, that’s a gift worth giving.
As you know, my daughter moved to Norfolk in 2009 with her 3 month old son, my grandson. It was supposed to be temporary. It was not supposed to last. It was not supposed to be permanent.
My family lives in Florida, and they always come back. Even my brother, who lived away for over a decade, came back. The issue is that his children were raised somewhere else and so they stayed there. My brother came back, but his adult children stayed behind.
And that’s the point, people stay where they are raised. It feels like home and for most people it is.
So I am angry with my daughter, who met another man and had another child. That man is an angry unhappy man who believes (because his father told him) that women are bad. My daughter is trapped by a court system that enjoys a good fight. Norfolk is a Military town and unfortunately considers a man so much more than a woman, when circumstances are considered. Circumstances are rarely considered. My daughter is a single woman who has spent that last four years spending every spare dime on attorney’s fees and begging her case in a court room that is not interested in hearing her. My daughter is trapped surely and resolutely, she has surrendered to this court system that does not consider her, nor her children’s needs.
I am so angry. Why did she surrender? I know she fights, but she also says that she will make her life in Norfolk. No! Why? Are you kidding me?
I will be deprived of my grandsons, probably for my entire life. She will be deprived of loving support throughout my grandsons young life. How can this be an acceptable reality? I don’t see it, and I can’t see it.
When my sons went into the service, I could bear being separated from them because of the promise of their return. I knew they would be back and that made separation bearable. But now, my daughter is alone, without support, and she has no hope of coming home. She is not a rebel like her mother. She does not see a way to get home. I, of course, would run away. My daughter was not born in the days of bra burning and open rebellion against “the man”. She grew up in the 90s with young and compliant people starring in every TV show. And so, the decision is made by her, to be compliant.
I live without my daughter, the person I have spent the last 34 years being concerned with and about. I crazy love her, like a thousand boyfriends, I crazy love her. I want her back. I cannot bear the idea of living the next 15 years without her and without my grandsons. It’s an awful thought and a hard way to live. Every single day I hurt. Every single day I need and I cannot have what I need. My grandsons do not get to hear me or understand me; they will miss all of the easy good days of summer in Florida.
I want them all back. I am angry with a court system that allows this untenable situation to go on for 4 years. This is a court system that does not consider the family at all. This has been a roller coaster ride from the beginning. Why is it possible for this to happen in this America? This is the court system? This is what is legal? My daughter and grandsons are kept in a place 800 miles away from her family because of a psychopathic liar who happens to be the father of her youngest child and have a wealthy father? Ugh.
Daughter, please come home.
I do not condemn women who are manipulative and indirect in their communications. I believe that it has been and continues to be an evolutionary imperative. Women (with very few exceptions) have always been dominated and often by those who are careless of their wants and desires. In this environment, it has always been far safer for a woman to keep her peace and find her own means of gaining what she needs and wants.
Our history tells us that if a woman disagreed with the men around her, she could be beat, tortured and in some cases, even killed. I was taught to make my own way, to not depend on a man for my own sustenance. My mother role modeled independence and the direct way to get there. She did not appreciate indirect communication, if you wanted something, please say it. If your desire was not a popular idea, it doesn’t mean your desire should be abandoned, it means you can re-evaluate, including others input, but you do not change your mind because ‘another’ has told you to change your mind. I was taught to be direct, which leaves very little room for the fine art of manipulation.
Many women I know did not have the benefit of a strong and direct mother. It seems that the alternative to being direct, indirectness, teaches us to be manipulative. Often, there is a very good reason for manipulation. Often, being manipulative turns into a default zone that a person operates in. Over a period of time, this personality can become unable to be direct and even honest. For some relationships this can be a satisfactory state, but for business relationships, it can be disastrous. What happens when you have been taught to rethink commitments, and change agreements to suit yourself? In most business environments this kind of thinking will damage relationships, particularly relationships with a boss or supervisor.
The other part to this indirect and manipulative personality style is a feature of secretiveness. Sometimes, even often, the secrets are unnecessary, yet there is a piece to secrecy that can make one feel powerful. Practicing secrecy is the hallmark of this personality style. Secrecy, when recognized, can make those around you feel very uncomfortable.
The alternative, direct communication, can cause disruption and create confrontation. “Can”, but not always, often the direct personality style is assertive and possibly aggressive. It’s important to delineate between direct communication that can be confrontative; and aggressiveness, as aggressiveness only causes the indirect person to become more manipulative and secretive. Aggressive people just want their will to be done. Direct communicators are not necessarily focused on their own will.
So it is that my entire lifetime, I thought that the manipulative woman was somehow “less than”. I do not respect this woman and I cannot communicate with her as she is completely unreliable. How do you have a relationship with a woman such as she? Yet, on the other hand, it is the evolutionary imperative, necessary for survival in a world where everyone is larger and harsher than you. Where is the balance? And how do you navigate when dealing with those who may be damaged?
I don’t know.
I know that many things will worry and concern you over the years and in some ways they should. It can be a moral compass because it tells you where and how to focus on what is right. Guilt will do the same thing for you.
Be careful of guilt because guilt is a one way pass to telling yourself that you are “good”. A good son, a good brother, a good father, a good boyfriend: are all conversations that you have with yourself. Make sure that you don’t use guilt to make you feel like a good person, and then forgo the actual action it takes to be a good person. To be a good person, you must actually do something, not just think it. Guilt will make you feel that you have suffered and therefore have paid the price to “be good”.
I want to add something really important here. There are times in life (often) when persistence is important. You may not think you are good enough or smart enough to have something, yet you want that something. Your inner thoughts should not dictate how hard you try to get what you want. Sometimes when I am ready to give up, I push a little bit harder and there is the goal right around the corner and it is good. Keep looking, keep trying, keep working at it, you can attain it. This is also where clarity will serve you well ~ know what you want and work towards it. Persistence will get you there when nothing else is working.
The RN’s current heartache is this feeling that lots of the ER patients “have no skin in the game” and he doesn’t mean this literally, he really means it figuratively. What he is referring to is folks who have no money and who are on public health care . He feels that this is the reason that healthcare is so expensive. If we “the taxpayers” didn’t have to pay, then healthcare could be cheaper. I tried to explain to him that we are in a capitalistic society that values profit more than human life. Because of this, our society allows doctors to make twice as much as Canadian doctors, and hospitals are all about shareholders, not about patients. Healthcare needs to be for sick people, not for the profit that it brings. Capitalism has perverted healthcare almost beyond redemption. When we get treatment, we only get the treatment that will bring the physician the most profit. Why? Because this is America. I may benefit from surgery, I may benefit from a simple procedure, but the physician who is in control of my care will choose based on his/her pocketbook. All will believe that the physician is indeed smart and successful. In the meantime, me the patient, will receive mediocre care that may or may not resolve my complaint. Cortisone shots instead of surgery says the doctor who does not perform surgery; carpal tunnel surgery says the surgeon who owns a surgery center. This is America, capitalism is applied to everything and in every way possible.
The RN insists that America has the best health care in the world. Of course, that is not the truth. I throw out the statistics on infant mortality rates in America. If you are non-white and in poverty, the infant mortality rate is so high in America, that it is comparable to third world country mortality rates. Someone on my left chimes in with, “well that’s the mother’s fault, they are always doing drugs and that is what kills the infant.” Oh my, what a sad thing to say and, so incredibly uninformed. I look at both of these individuals and we are having a great discussion, however, I suddenly see that their perceptions are limited only to what they do and see.
That is another American trait and it is horrible. We all believe that the truth is our truth, because no other reality exists, except the one that we live in.
Sex is necessary and good, hopefully you will meet others who believe the same thing. Acknowledging the presence of something reduces the power of that thing.
Life needs to be out in the open. Secrets are a tool of control and almost always inappropriate. Witness the epiphany of the early part of the 21st century, understanding what people were really doing was an instrumental feature of justice.
Make decisions and change those decisions when necessary, clarity and flexibility are fantastic attributes to have.
Love your family and treat them as your faith tells you. Not all members of your family will honor you. There will be times when they will treat you badly. Decide wisely how you will live with your family.
Giving is a gift unto itself. Don’t expect anything in return for your gifts.
Acceptance of you is one of the most important things that you will ever do. By accepting yourself, you stop all enemies from gaining leverage via your self esteem. “Yes, I know I have that fault, dastardly isn’t it?” Or “yes, I am aware that it is more popular to like the color white, however, I like the color brown.”
What is the collective unconscious? What is natural knowing? What is instinct? These are all questions in which you will be part of the answer. Be aware of the universe, your awareness will serve you well in life. Religious dogma has not served humans for centuries. However, kinship and fellowship are found in churches and synagogues; use them to keep yourself and your family well.
Do not be that old angry man. Bitterness is anger that hardens into a stiffness that cannot be softened. Do not be that. You should know that in the end what matters is how you decide to live. Bitterness is an angry decision that must be renewed every day. Decide not to be that and not to have that in your life.
If you do not know what drives your anger and pain, find out. If you don’t do that, then relinquish. Hanging onto your anger and pain is the most awful decision that you can ever make. Discover, relinquish and then banish that which hurts you and angers you.
Your chosen journey is as good and as necessary as anyone else’s. Don’t allow any devaluation of you.
Protect and love others: just as you cannot allow yourself to be devalued, do not allow others to be devalued. In your presence, all must be equally valued.
Once I knew that there is no better and brighter future here in this relationship, I became devastated.
I should not have hoped in the first place. I wasted irreplaceable hours being anxious and hoping. I could have enjoyed those hours by accepting that you would not change your hurtful behavior.
After all, you are concerned with you, as was I. But no more, now you can be concerned with you and I can be concerned with new.