Samantha;
You died in the middle of a conversation. The conversation was on pause, but nonetheless, we were communicating and now we will never communicate with each other again.
I thought we had time, we always had more time. It’s so shocking and painful. What happened? Did you give up? Were you upset with me? You didn’t tell me that you had to go to Hospice. I would have come. I would have shown you my love.
I know that, ultimately, grief will swarm me.
No matter who you talk to or how much you talk, you will end up having that moment alone. That moment is you, alone with your grief. You will remember, the moments, the emotions, the sights, the sounds and the taste of your relationship. You will feel it while you stand alone, thinking about the meaning of death. Sooner or later you must face your grief with only yourself. Sooner or later you are alone with your grief.
You may feel the meaningless or you may feel the meaning. One thing is sure, you are the one who will decide the meaning of your relationship. Now that your loved one is gone, you will feel the absence, you will feel the loneliness, you can know the truth of your loss.
I can’t believe you are gone. You lost your way and you could not find your way back. I am so sorry that you didn’t feel how loved you are. I am so sorry that you did not feel the support of that love. I am so sorry that we didn’t leave a light shining for your path back to us. The darkness must have been crushing. Maybe you thought you would be better soon. Maybe you thought you could manage for awhile longer. I don’t know, but I hope it wasn’t too dark for you. 1 August 2019
Dear Sophia, my beloved granddaughter;
Nothing will replace your mother’s love. Never doubt that she loved you. She loved you fiercely and gently: both. She kept you close for as long as she was able. Your parents always kept your love close. Everyone of your extended family, thought about you, loved you and worked for your benefit. If anyone screwed up, it was out of ignorance, not from malice. We all wanted you safe and loved. We all wanted you to be happy. And, your father wanted you most of all. 2 August 2019
