Sometimes I Feel Like…

I can never get ahead.  I do everything right and still, I can’t get what I want.  I work hard, I have a college degree, I put in long hours and I try, so hard, do I try.  I pay things when they are due, I pay things off before the expiration date and still I can’t seem to get a foot in edgewise on the stairs to financial prosperity.

After I get a good moment, I mean things are paid off and I think I can buy something; life always throws me a curve ball.  Why?  I don’t know.  I am there at financial glamour and BAM, all the cash is taken from my hands, my pocketbook, my wallet and boom, the cash is gone.

And, it is always necessary, it is always necessary for me to spend the money on something other than me.  Sometimes I even get angry, in 2003 I was late on a student loan payment and my creditors punished me for it for at least 10 years!!!  Yep, you bet I was pissed off, it seems as if, one frustrating thing follows another frustrating thing.

Ack, and then I think, ha-ha, have a lovely pity party for precisely 15 minutes.  I revel in it.  I roll around in the self pity: “woe is me.”  I am a martyr, one who gives and gives… and then SNAP out of it!  15 minutes are up, done, finished, over.

You are not getting more than 15 minutes for a pity party, I tell myself.  I don’t care if you spend every last dime on others!  No one holds a gun to your head, you choose!  You choose based on who you think you are.  What I think about myself is that there are people that I love so deeply, who are so gratifying to my being, that I do not care what price I pay to be near them.  I will pay lots of money (hence brokedom), I will also pay steep personal prices, I will do what it takes to make these various people smile and be happy.

Literally and really, I am one of the luckiest people that I know or have ever met.  There are lots of people around that I love and who love me.  On top of that, almost every one of them is healthy!  They are also beautiful, handsome, smart, talented, caring and sensitive individuals.

How crazy is that?  Who is surrounded by beautiful, caring and sensitive individuals, who they love and who love them back?  Who?  Me, that’s who.

I am not saying that the acquisition of money is not a lofty goal, I think it is!  I just don’t want money to get in the way of my love fest.  If it takes a dollar to take care of my loved ones, to hell with the bills, to hell with getting a new dress.  It is what it is…