Suicide…

I had an extremely difficult time accepting my mother’s death.  She had a massive stroke and died when she was 67.  I grieved for years because she was the center of my universe.  I finally came to peace with it, and I came to peace with it by realizing that my mother had her own deal with God.  The deal with God did not include anyone else – it was between her and God.  Daughter or no daughter, she was a being with a fate and a destiny that belonged to her and no one else.  In the end aren’t we all alone?  In the end aren’t we all single beings, birth and death, we do these things alone.

Suicide is different to me.  Suicide is about your relationship with the living.  It doesn’t seem to be about your relationship with God.  For that reason it just seems more hurtful, more personal and more painful.  I’m not sure how, if you are successful at suicide that relates to God…but it feels wrong to me.

I want to say “How dare you evaluate yourself in relation to me.  I value you, why don’t you stay here with the living?”  I want to ask “Don’t you see how you are needed?”  There is also a part of me that wants to scream hysterically, “don’t you see that death is the end for us, for our relationship – not a change, but the end?” 

This is just me, how I feel – that’s all.