There is something infinite / timeless about the kind of love that parents have for their children. There are no boundaries to this kind of love, it endures, no matter what the challenge is. It is deeply sweet and profoundly sustaining. This love also holds the deepest of fears and some of the most difficult moments of pain.
As I sit here in PI-15 (Pediatric Intensive Care-Isolation room), I am reflecting on love and the price of such love. My five week old grandson who is loved by his entire family, has stopped our universe from spinning around in lazy, happy orbits. He is very sick, diagnosed with whooping cough, and he must remain here in this hospital so that machines and alarms and nurses and his parents can guard his life. There is no easy exit from this place and it’s somberness sinks into your muscles like rain on thirsty ground.
There is an edginess to each person who loves this child. Each holds a piece of anxiety close to the heart and normal does not return until he is well. And so my grandson stops his family’s universe, as we wait, as we stand vigil, as we pray and as we wish for his health.
His mother and father sit on the very worst precipice of fear – and as long as we are here, in this place, they linger on this dark precipice. Each day so far, my grandson’s breath is a gift that is prayed for, and silent wishes linger in the space between now and then. Then was the time when we knew that this sweet boy would breathe effortlessly.
I do not like hospitals as they are the in-between-place, where all is not well and your life and your love can change in a moment. Here in this place, families are revived and families are destroyed. As I walk the halls of this place and I am aware of others who travel here, I see that there are so many shades of panic it is hardly imaginable.
To get back to the beginning, as I reflect on love, this is the price that must be paid: To love, one must be willing to be hurt and to hurt profoundly. As I sit with my grandson in this alien and in-between-place, I know that every bit of it all, is worth it. I don’t know why and I don’t know how, but I know that loving is worth this price of fear and more. I also know that this fear changes us, traumatizes us and makes us hesitate to love. I know that once traumatized, we must have a brave heart to love completely once more, to open ourselves by adding another love to our lives. And still, we will and we do add love over and over again. Brave Hearts.