Why “Baby it’s Cold Outside” is so Confusing
Men sometimes do not understand the consequences of the economic inequities of power. They sometimes believe that being dominating is just part of their own personality and therefore cannot realize the effect on others. While women, not only recognize the power of economic inequity, they become hyper-vigilant because the chance of surviving the inherent difficulties of economic deprivation are better with vigilance.
Here is my story that illustrates the blindness that can occur on both sides. This story takes place in the 1970s, I had no phone, but I worked long hours and people often called me at work.
I lived in southern California with my brother and my sons. I was a waitress in an American restaurant, the kind that served breakfast 24 hours per day. I was 19 years old. My brother and I moved to California because, at the time, junior college was free of charge for California residents. My brother played football and attended college, and though I wanted more than anything to go to college, I had not found a way to do it while working and taking care of my sons. For a long time I worked two jobs just to get by.
If you’ve never been to California, you’ve missed some of the most beautiful scenery there is in America. I would often drive into the mountains on the odd day off just to look at the streams that bubbled throughout the rugged rock formations of the hills and mountains. The water was perfectly clear and clean, cold and crisp. When you looked into the streams you could see the rocks and pebbles at the bottom of the flowing surge as the water rushed over them in a hurry to the floor of the valley.
Photo Credit to NOAA
On one such trip I planned on staying over night with friends who lived north of Los Angeles. My brother was keeping my boys over night and so I took off after work for those beautiful mountains. As I traveled the Pacific Coast Highway, I hummed and sang to the radio, elated to have a moment of free time that was just for me. It is a thrilling journey, the mountains soared to my right and in places, the beach dropped down off of the mountain as if placed there by a giant hand. The beaches lay flat against the soaring vistas of the mountain. It was amazing to see both the beach and the forested mountain at the same time. I am Gulf coast born and bred and had never seen land that reached higher than an ant hill, in Florida.
And then…my tire blew out. I was an intrepid explorer, think “seventies” when people were still hitchhiking to get from one place to another. I felt safe, secure and happy. A young man pulled over to help me with changing my tire. We found that I had no spare, my brother had already used it to replace a rear tire that had gone flat. (Had donut tires been invented yet?)
The young man was very generous and offered to help me. I only had enough money for dinner, I had no money for a flat tire. He paid for my tire, and by the time we were able to get it arranged, it was late and I was forced to spend the night where we were. With the tire being incomplete until morning, I welcomed the young man’s offer of shelter for the night. He was an attractive man and we had sex that night. I got my tire repaired the next day and drove home.
No one could have been more surprised than me, when a week later, the young man called me at work. Apparently, I had told him where I worked. I answered the phone somewhat confused. He said that he wanted to see me. I didn’t know why? He heard some of my surprise and said “I thought we shared something special.” In my mind, he was a man who had taken advantage of a situation that I had no control over. He wanted to help me, but for a price. He was not altruistic, kind or even generous (as mentioned earlier) he was just someone who would take advantage of a lone woman in a bad situation on the side of the road. I had zero interest in seeing him again, why would I? He saw himself as a rescuer and someone who had done something well and good. He saw himself as someone who liked this girl who was economically disadvantaged.
No, I don’t think so. He wasn’t happy when we hung up.
Wow, what a misunderstanding…my picture of him was of someone who had taken advantage of me in a bad situation. His picture of himself was someone who was generous and good and had met this nice woman on the side of the road.
I’ve seen this kind of misunderstanding one million and one times since then. I saw it within my leadership group when we were given instructions to sell a product to a stranger, and told NOT to engage in selling to waiters, waitresses or anyone in a serving position. Several men in that leadership group ignored those instructions and directed their efforts at selling, only towards those that had no choice but to listen to them: waitresses. When they were called out by the leadership group, those men got angry that the group didn’t understand their efforts.
Are you kidding me?
Lecturing someone who is forced to listen to you is not the same as selling something to a stranger, how do you not know that?
Economic inequity creates power inequity. Strength of body creates power inequity. Women know this, why don’t men?