BFF Gone Wrong

As a sociology undergraduate, I recall studying an issue about groups of families who live in the subsidized housing and are on welfare.  It turns out that those who have an opportunity to go to school and gain a higher income, will often not take the opportunity, because the social group that surrounds the impoverished family will reject the family who reaches up and beyond the impoverished circumstance.  Sociologists documented this phenomenon and reported being mystified by the outcome of the research.  For decades studies have shown that a person’s social group is very powerful in determining a person’s circumstance and future.  It is not just teenagers who live and survive by virtue of the peer group, apparently, it is all of us.

I passed an old friend on the crosstown expressway this morning and it put me in mind of that sociological research and here is why – my BFF (best friend forever) loved me as long as I was suffering.  She gave me advice, she wanted to rescue me and she often bragged about what a great help that she was to me.  The flip side of that, the side that is somewhat painful, is that she did not like me so much when I was successful and happy.  When things are working right for me, I don’t need advice so much.  However, there are some people and this BFF is one of those… that cannot stop giving advice.  It does not appear very pleasantly to me because they seem to want to interject their opinion into every statement that someone makes.  After a while, it becomes somewhat tedious to have every conversation interrupted with “well, if I were you, I would do ____”.

I can’t tell you how many people have lost my interest because they cannot stop advising me on the proper way to live.  Some of these people seem to know everything.  If you mention knee pain, they have had meniscus surgery and they can tell you every correct thing to do, even though they have not attended medical school.

These sorts of people are lurking everywhere.  You may be afraid to open your mouth in the lunch room because you know that it will start a long and tedious ‘know-it-all’ discussion.

That is how my BFF went wrong.  My real BFF would be happy for me if I was happy; she also listens intently, even when I am being stupid.  My real BFF would not talk over me to give me solutions to problems I do not have (hint, they are really her problems).  I wish that I could have been a better friend to her; I just got so tired of being treated like I was 16!  I’m not.  Give and take is how to have a relationship, if the relationship has only one direction, it won’t endure the hard times.  To my old BFF, I do miss you: I just do not miss the advice.

And – as for the sociological studies that indicate you will lose your peer group if you reach for a higher ground – I hope that you will not hang onto BFFs who just want to keep you down.  I hope that your true BFF lifts you higher.