For many people, children, our offspring, are major components of our reality. When we make a new partner commitment all of our children and all of who-we-are-with our child comes with us to the partnership. Here is where I believe, we need to pay better attention to our commitments: if my partnership commitment involves all of who I am right now and all of who I am historically (ergo, the same for my partner) I make a commitment to all of that, when I make this commitment to my new partner.
Pragmatically, this often means step-parenting as well as integration of familial values and mores. Who I am individually, may be different than who I am as a parent. My family values may be a “throwback” to the dark ages when children were actually required to eat their vegetables… I may be inept at managing baby tantrums, or conversely, I may be the “baby whisperer” able to sooth any cry baby. All of that comes with me to our relationship.
Within our commitment to each other we must find the ability to commit to all of our partner’s universe. Denying a portion of my universe is tantamount to denying me. I did not pick my children/sisters/brother/cousins, and yet they are undeniably part of my universe. Our coupleness should not be an instrument that redefines that universe. Jointly, our coupleness may make decisions about my children/sisters/brother/cousins, however they will be decisions that we make as a result of both of us “owning” my children/sisters/brother/cousins.
In other words: commit to me, commit to my family, indeed to all of my universe, the entire package. It’s only through that clear commitment that includes all that is in your partner’s universe will you ever be able to be fully in your partner’s universe, otherwise, you belong in the solar system, rotating around your partner, usually judging, always wishing, but never quite all of the way in.
