There is something scary about intimacy for most people. This idea really came into focus this week after spending the holiday with my daughters. Rhea and I are discussing marriages and how some of them are close, two people who want to be together and some marriages, not so close, husband and wife, who spend a lot of time apart with very little discomfort to either party. I’ve encountered this idea before, both in my own marriage and in my observations of other marriages. It’s not the wanting to spend time together, so much as that there is something different about a marriage where two people want to spend time together and won’t consider separate vacations. There is a different kind of intimacy evident in these two very different marriages.
I’ve always thought of intimacy in couple terms because that is the place where it is the most obvious. Lately though I’ve come to associate it with babies. The reason I see intimacy with babies is because babies invite instant intimacy into their world, and that is at least partly the explanation for everyone’s love of babies. There is no contrivance with infants, they are all of who they are immediately and presently. Because of this, adults can truly be who they are. This allows adults to act very silly with children because of the immediacy of the moment with babies and children. This behavioral freedom is often a relief for people. You can see the sternest individuals acting goo-goo with babies and it is a natural phenomena. The other characteristic of babies and children is their dependency on others for everything. They need to be carried and when they need comfort, they need to be hugged. Touch is an important part of any intimate relationship and is also a visible indicator for true intimacy.
If you watch a mother and child in an intensely emotional event, you will be peeking into a very intimate relationship. Their language is often complete, not limited to the verbal but encompassing facial expressions and body language, what can be more intimate than that? To know another is to know that a turn of their body means forgiveness, anger or frustration. These are the things that parent and child know about each other.
So here is why I am thinking about it this week: my daughters and I who are normally separated by geography have spent the last week together for the Thanksgiving holiday. I am used to them having a lot of friends and I am even used to the idea that their friends often envy them their parental relationship. I could never understand or articulate why. This week, I realized why my daughters and I are somewhat special – at least to our friends. We have a deeply and profoundly intimate relationship with each other. There is a love cocoon wrapped around us that is almost visible to anyone who is physically close to us.
I’ve heard people characterize us as “very close”, or “very tight”. In my own words, it is simply lovingly intimate. Here is what is true about us: we always tell the truth passionately and intensely – and if by chance there is an event to lie about, it is ridiculously easy to get at the truth. We are comfortable with everything about each other, including all of the weaknesses that make us human. We share being women and there is nothing about that – that can make us uncomfortable. Not to say that we are never uncomfortable with each other, but to say that we are willing to be uncomfortable with each other, if that’s what it takes.
This intimacy is palpable. Everyone can see it, it is obvious. It is clear in the way that our heads are close together when talking, it’s clear by what we say to each other and it is clear by our lack of embarrassment. Johanna says to me as I walk out of her work (a crowded bar) “I love you mommy” and I say to here “I love you baby.” Neither one of us aware or caring about the rest of the universe. We need each other, we need to talk to each other and reassure each other and no one and nothing is as important as that. That’s intimacy – the conscious involvement with another, the knowledge that the other is not perfect and the perfect love of the other in spite of the human condition. Other people can see it and feel it and identify it.
While it’s scary going into this level of intimacy, it is wonderful being in this level of intimacy. That is why babies are the safest, they will not judge or regard you, they will simply experience you. Gaining intimacy with a partner is infinitely more difficult because it involves opening yourself up to another’s evaluation of yourself. Intimacy includes a depth of knowledge that reveals all of your vulnerabilities and weaknesses. Are you willing to give all of that to someone, anyone? Are you brave enough to love at that level? Intimacy is an unspoken expression of love. It means that you mean so much to me, that I am aware of your moods, your body language and your expressions, I will also stand close to you when you whisper, sooth you when you don’t feel well and cheer for you, no matter what. That’s an intense commitment. Given how good my intimate relationships feel, I would say that all of that investment, all of that commitment and the intense closeness is worth the effort.