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Focused Consciousness
The way to make things happen out of thin air.
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My Endless Fascination with Human Behavior
In my management experience, I have come across a few different personality types that are quite consistent. I have developed ways and means of dealing with several types of subordinate staff members.The loudly defensive and hot potato throwing personality style is one such style that I have developed methods for effective management. Arguing doesn’t seem to be the thing for gaining productivity from this behavior style. Instead, it is important to stay factual and calm. I must be very organized and completely capable of following up on the minutest of details. This is the only way to deal with this person. The “hot potato throwing” personality style is one who shirks responsibility by throwing it into someone else’s lap. For this behavior I must be very focused and completely capable of resetting our conversations to meet my goals rather than the other person’s goals. If I am the boss, it is up to me to keep the conversation where it needs to be. For myself, I have to recall that the goal of work is to create a work product, whatever that may be. My end point can never be to listen to complaining and shirking.
In any case my loud and defensive hot potato thrower (I’ll just call them LAD) is normally someone who puts a lot of effort into defensiveness and no effort into the work product. So, normally this behavior style is not difficult to fire because if you track their work (and not their mouthiness) you will see that they are not getting their work done. In fact, I associate LAD with laziness and sloppiness, or at least nonperformance and ineffectiveness. Because of this, when I come across this LAD style, I immediately begin tracking their work product.
What is amazing to me is that on my new staff, I have a LAD who is NOT an ineffective non-performer. She works hard and is very effective. She is the researcher who can be relied upon to get to the bottom of the problem and really find out the issues. She likes her work and likes to work hard. But if you ask her a question about her work or her work product she is LOUD AND DEFENSIVE. She tells long stories about how difficult the work is and how unfair a situation is. You think she is misleading you away from the conversation and maybe she is. But, it’s not because she didn’t get the work done. She did. She is just LAD. Interesting, huh.
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Sigma Alpha Epsilon
The serious and immediate repercussions of the national chapter of Sigma Alpha Epsilon on the racist chanters at University of Oklahoma are so rare that, they must be remarked upon.Since Gerald Ford pardoned President Nixon, we have been a nation of “excusers”. We only excuse people who are famous and wealthy. Excuses have not been used for everyone in this great nation.
You can always tell when excuses will be required again. After some great crime, or perhaps even a crime that is obscure; there will be platitudes and long speeches with pregnant pauses. No one can believe that yet another criminal will be set free. This has been the norm in America, for at least the last 40 years. The speeches all begin in the same way: “We will complete a full investigation, we will punish those responsible…” You know when you are listening that nothing will come to pass for those who break laws.
That is why it is shocking to see wealthy young white men held responsible for their actions. I think Americans of every color and size have been asking for this kind of justice for many years. I think women on campuses speaking out about date rape, and protesters in Ferguson, Missouri are all asking that we hold people accountable for ALL of their actions. It is almost unbelievable that justice would occur with such swift action after racial chanting was recorded and published. The national chapter of Sigma Alpha Epsilon were purposeful in meting out repercussions for the bad behavior of chapter members. In America we have seen too many speeches about excusing and ignoring bad behavior.
I don’t think all bad behavior nor do I believe that all crimes are equal in severity. I do think that the reaction to all bad behavior and criminal behavior should be the same. Swift, immediate and harsh repercussions to demonstrate to the innocent and good people of America, that it matters to be good. We should all be reassured that our own personal contribution to what is good and right is worthwhile, that if not rewarded, is at least recognized.
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Equality the Impossible Equation
I don’t think much about offering everyone dignity and respect and here is why: we don’t do anything in this country to maintain basic human life at a living standard. What good does it do to give dignity and respect when so many people are starving?If we are to believe in equality and to tout the benefits of equality, we must agree to basic minimum living standards that – just by virtue of being human – everyone is entitled to. What I mean by this is – should every human expect shelter from the elements? Should every human expect to avoid malnourishment by eating healthy food? Should every human expect healthcare? To all of these questions, we must say yes if we are to create true equality. We must come to an agreement about what is the minimum standard for equality and thus human dignity. I can guarantee that a few kind words for a homeless and hungry woman does not translate to equality.
In America, we don’t agree that every human is entitled to a basic living. We use our biases and judgmentalness to justify our lack of sensitivity to the plight of those in poverty. Judging others for their conditions, saves us from evaluating our own selfishness. We can evaluate others negatively and justify our own actions and thoughts. “Those people don’t work hard, that’s why they are hungry!” “If he had gone to school, he wouldn’t be making minimum wage.”
That’s part of the difficulty inherent in equality, because we all have to agree to minimum living standards for everyone. Those standards have to apply to everyone, no matter what we think of how people live their life, each person has a right to shelter, food and healthcare. In the system we have now, talented, beautiful and the rich are the only ones entitled. If we admit that all humans are entitled to a living, we might have to do something about it. That would require a contribution from everyone.
In America, we are so taken in by mass marketing, that we have actually believed that giving “dignity and respect” means that we have created equality here. We have not.
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My Diet and the Entitlement Equation
That’s the problem with entitlement, it’s drawing an equation where no equation exists. I thought resisting chocolate cake and bakery products entitled me to a slender body. I eat healthy, I follow all of the dietician’s “suggestions” and still I cannot claim a slender body. I do these: I plan my meals and I limit the calories of all the meals I plan. All of the snacks that I have access to are healthy: walnuts, cashews, dark chocolate, Greek yogurt and honey. I eat according to the schedule, I do not graze. I don’t ever put crackers or chips at my desk or next to me while watching television. I don’t even eat crackers because white flour is not recommended for post menopausal women. I use the book Calorie King so that I know what to avoid: I never eat at fast food restaurants, ever. I also have a Calorie King ap for my iPad so that I can get information on the go. We don’t eat cakes, donuts, pastries, white bread or any other white flour. Our pasta is organic whole grain and our rice is brown. I switched to almond milk to reduce the dairy and beverage calories. We eat a lot of salads.I walk across the parking lot and I take the stairs four times per day, every weekday. I also walk a 15 minute mile at least 3 times per week at lunch time. I jump up when I can sit down and I carry my own groceries so that I can have the experience of lifting. If that weren’t enough I also have a set of stretches that I do every week day morning to keep my back and knee from getting stiff and sore.
The expectation that I have is that all of this effort will give me a slender body. It does not. Eating right does not equal a slender body. Living healthy and actively does not equal a slender body. I have a couple of things working against me: I have bradycardia = slow heartbeat = slow metabolism. My heart does not need treatment; it is at least partially a side effect of my hypothyroidism, but there it is, the kiss of death to an “easy” diet.
Back to entitlement, healthy eating does not equal slender body, actively living does not equal slender body. Slender body is eating less than actively using, that is the only equation that exists. I can feel sorry for myself because my metabolism makes me work harder than other people, I can believe that the physical universe is unjust to me and none of that matters to this reality.
Slender body = eating less than my body uses. Now that’s an equation.
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I’m Not Mad at Oprah… But
I’m looking at the latest Oprah mag and as usual I’m disgusted (why do I keep buying this mag!). In my liberal arts classes in college, we often discussed how women undermined themselves by co-opting to the white man’s definition of the professional world. It was a concept we were all too familiar with. A woman would make it to the top of her organization and immediately begin criticizing her female peers. As undergraduates we all promised each other to not be “like that”.This became part of a broader perspective which was to have women redefine the working world. We wanted to show the dominant male, that humans needed flexibility and purpose in their work and that productivity could increase as a result of these values. What is so right about working without personal interruption from 8 to 5? It’s not only unrealistic, but harsh as well.
Anyway, the key issue for women was co-opting, which meant to adopt the white man’s belief systems and begin judging others based on this belief structure. This was always deletorious to women. White men rarely saw the sensibility to being a sensitive and caring individual in the work place.
Ack, and that’s why I am angry with Oprah. The economic tyranny of her magazine is offensive. I was born to a very poor and large southern family. I grew up with a fervent desire to gain traction in the economic community of the United States. I went to college and then to graduate school and then, when that was not enough I became certified in addictions therapy so that I could help others.
At no time ever, have I had enough money to spend $268.00 on a skirt or a shirt or a pair of shoes. It’s just not done. Oh sure, you can say that since I had several children and certainly am in love with several grandchildren, that is the reason for not spending such obscene quantities of money on myself.
For a dress that costs $500.00 there should be ‘2 men and a small boy’ sewing exactly to my specifications. But there is not. And in fact, I am finding that more and more money is worthless. If I spend $80.00 on a dress my money is worthless… it was a ‘cheap’ purchase. The fact is that with a graduate degree $80.00 is still three hours of a working day and when you figure in taxes, etc., it is more like 5 hours of a working day.
I also belong to a little known organization that concerns itself with how and what Americans are paid in wages. For the last several years the battle has been on – to raise the minimum wage in America. Do you know how many people make less than $10.00 an hour in America? Just think of this: every fast food restaurant, all convenience stores and every single Walmart in the country. $8.00 X 40 hours X 52 weeks = $16,640.00 per year. You know that it is an impossible wage? So if buying a $268.00 shirt won’t happen for me…then you know that fully half of the rest of the country cannot even imagine a $268.00 shirt.
What I call this is Oprah using her influence to an unfair advantage with economically compromised women. We love Oprah so much that we want to buy her “favorite things” yet when we do, we lower our credit score because we cannot possibly pay for Oprah’s favorite things with cash. Who can? Apparently enough women to keep the mega advertising machine of Oprah rolling along, but only for the very well off.
I guess I wanted Oprah to care about the economically disadvantaged. She does not seem to care, she has her billions and just like every other white male with a billion dollars she uses her influence and name to make some more money for herself. Of course.
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This OR That
I was listening to my friend describe her new man friend and I began to get a bit uncomfortable. According to my friend, her new boyfriend is a very generous man who gave his home and everything in it to his ex-wife. He also told her about how generous he was to his ex-girlfriend showering gifts on her that she kept after they broke up. As proof of his largesse he even showed my friend his ex-wife’s big beautiful house that he paid for.My friend then proceeded to tell me how her new man friend reported being angry that women “always take advantage” of him. He said that he is such a great guy and so generous that he gave everything away. This has made him angry and explains why he has had angry outbursts with my friend…
No, I don’t think so – not any of it. First of all, if you are generous, that is you giving to another. Generous people do not get a return for their gift; that would belie the meaning of the word “gift”. How is it possible to be taken advantage of, if you are giving? The only explanation is that you expected something in return for your gift. You expected a return on your investment – which again – is NOT a gift.
That is why I say this OR that, because either you are a generous soul who has given to other human souls freely – or more likely – a person who wants something in return for your monetary gifts to others.
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Don’t Give Up Your Body
Your body is yours and nothing changes that. You own it and you manage it, no matter what. You cannot say “my job is so stressful that I have high blood pressure”. You don’t own your job the way that you own your body. Don’t invite an outside force inside that does damage!Please don’t say “this job is making my blood pressure go higher.” Or, “this job is giving me an ulcer.” Or, “Mexican food gives me heartburn.” The only accurate way to express what is happening to your body is to say “I haven’t made the correct decisions to keep my blood pressure down.” Or, “I don’t know how to reduce my ulcer pain.” Or, “the way to stop heartburn is to stop eating the food that causes it.”
It is difficult and perhaps very difficult to make our body happy, but it is well worth the effort. It takes accountability to have a healthy body. Note that I did not say beautiful or well formed, I said a healthy body.
Part of the challenge of maintaining health is that in our culture we equate youth and beauty with health, but in keeping with the old adage, “don’t judge a book by its cover” looks can be very deceiving. I know young people who have never eaten anything but MacDonald’s and have very well formed bodies. The well-formed body belies the fact that the body is unhealthy.
Most importantly, don’t surrender your body to any other force. When you say that something outside of you is forcing your body into an unhealthy condition, you are, in effect, allowing that force to control you.
This is not to say that if you choose, you will be completely healthy forever. It means that in so far as you are able, it is up to you to maintain and improve your health. I recently watched a YouTube video with a young man who has Cystic Fibrosis. He understood his disease and he understood that his role included taking responsibility for completing treatments every single day of his life. No one can say that he could have done anything to avoid Cystic Fibrosis, yet he takes a very responsible role with his body and his disease.
It is not even possible anymore to blame your weight on the food manufacturing or restaurant industries. You have to be illiterate and possibly even blind and deaf to not understand the connection between sugar, alcohol, animal fats, chemicals and a loss of health.
I believe that this is why so many people speak a language of irresponsibility – folks do not want to say, oh yes, it is I who have eaten and drunk to the point of disease and death. Folks want to say, that it is someone else who did it to them.
Don’t be that person. Be the person who stands up and says, my body belongs to me. I am in charge of what goes into my body. I am in charge of how active I am. I am in charge of the chemicals that I ingest. You can do everything in YOUR power to make your body healthy and live long enough to enjoy retirement and grandchildren. Or if not that, then perhaps travel and friendship, it is up to you…All of it.
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No Rhyme, Nor Reason…
No Rhyme, Nor Reason…I spoke with an anguished mother this morning, who told me “this isn’t fair, we are good people.” She was recounting a story about how her landlord had collected rent from her family illegally, as the house she is living in was foreclosed on. She has to move from her home today, with her disabled son and husband. She has never missed a single rent payment.
I thought about all of the conversations I have with people about positivity. Being personally positive sets up an expectation for positive results. Sometimes, things just don’t work out that way. It brings to mind a book that came out in the eighties titled “When Bad Things Happen to Good People”. At the time, I thought the author did a good job of explaining some of the vagaries in life. As with anything difficult, the point was to cope for the moment, to get through the moment so that one could go on.
I am an analyzer and I want a formula. To get back to positive thinking, I want positive thinking to be meaningful and to control what happens in my life. It does not. Positive thinking won’t stop a hurricane, it won’t keep me healthy and it won’t guarantee that I get to keep and use all of the money that I have worked hard for, for all of my life.
I attach meaning to the work I have done in my life. I want my past work to pay my way through my future. I think this is a reasonable social contract and I have done all of the things that the prescribed formula advised me to do: I got an education, I got a steady job, and I worked and worked and worked. I put money in the bank; I put money in the 401K.
All of our “choose-in” choices, by life design, are also “choose-out” choices. Money in the bank can’t be spent on a child’s new braces (until you take it out of the bank) and time spent at work, cannot be spent at leisure. I understand this concept completely. I have had to choose between emergent needs on many occasions in my life.
What I missed, what I did not comprehend, is that at some point, all of those choices do work out to something in your life. What I mean by this is that, if you are a person who has no competing interests in your life and that makes you able to put your money in the bank, then at some point you will probably have money in the bank. The price you pay is “no competing interests”. In other words, you have nothing to spend money on, no family, no partner and no children.
The reality of our material construct called life: is that, we have what we most focus on. If we focus on our children, it is likely that our children will be around for our entire life. As we have taught them to be concerned and to have compassion by giving those gifts to them, so they will also demonstrate those same gifts to us as we grow older.
Again, every “choose-in” has a corresponding “choose-out”. In other words, we pay a price for all that we decide is important to us, because we are also relegating other things to unimportance. When we choose to have children, we are also choosing a very large financial investment.
The unpredictability of life circumstance is that, no matter what choices we make, good, bad or indifferent, life can and does, intermittently, destroy it all. That’s the problem. That is the issue which terrorizes my analytical brain. It is as if life mockingly laughs at my need to draw lines and to keep accurate spreadsheets. Yes, yes, Mrs. Smith, we see that you are organized, but now you have been fired from your job and all of last week’s planning is for naught. Or yes, Mr. Smith, we see that you have saved money and paid for your house, but now your daughter is sick and you must take out mortgages to pay for medical care to keep her alive.
We know that justice is a social construct. We work hard to make justice real in our society. We work very hard to mitigate the whim of life by purchasing insurance and being safe. It matters that we take these precautions, yet it does not guarantee that life won’t happen. Bad things do happen to good people.
As to choosing in and choosing out; I always did the best that I possibly could in every moment. There are lots of things that I did not choose, good and bad. As to positivity, it is what brings me through the changes and unpredictability of life, and then forces me to take the next step.