• Economy of Effort,  Womens Issues

    “Connect With Them”

    October 25, 2014

    She said to me that she had to connect with someone and that as soon as she did that, then “I’m good, it’s all good.”  She said that if she could not connect then she always had her hand up with that person, and she showed me, pushing her open palm outward across the table.  She said if I cannot feel the connection, then it just doesn’t matter.  I can get along with anyone, but I have to feel them to have a relationship with them…

    For her, it was as simple as that.  She knew exactly who she could have a relationship with, she did not need doubt or misdirection.  She only needed connection.

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  • Economic Equality (A Goal)

    Inequality

    October 15, 2014

    Blogaction

    When I was young, men were not always interested in their offspring. Fathers leaving children was a common occurrence, particularly in poverty stricken neighborhoods. The abandonment rate for men leaving their children has, historically, always been much higher than it is for women.  Women just do not abandon their children as often as men do.

    The Encyclopedia of Child’s Health cites the following statistics: In 2002 it was estimated that up to 30 percent (19.8 million) of children in the United States, representing 11.9 million families, lived in single-parent households. While the number of single mothers has remained constant in recent years at 9.9 million, the number of single fathers has grown from 1.7 million in 1995 to 2 million in 2002, according to data from the U.S. Census Bureau. In 2002, some 19.8 million children lived with one parent. Of these, 16.5 million lived with their mother and 3.3 million with their father. Read more: http://www.healthofchildren.com/A/Abandonment.html#ixzz3ATQLP77B

    No doubt, the numbers of child abandonment are growing, but the percentage of fathers abandoning children appear to be decreasing. On other occasions I have written about my own sons’ commitment to fathering and I am very impressed. This new generation of young men is a very caring one. I like that they like the job of fatherhood.

    The other phenomena that is worthy of note is that it is now quite fashionable to be a parent. Only the ‘middle class and more’ can afford to have children, so children have become a symbol of affluence.

    Unfortunately, my ‘loved-one’ fights for custody of her young son. The man that she fights with is someone who has kicked and punched her. There is documented evidence that he not only kicked her, but there is also evidence that he has done this to other women.

    Their last appearance in court is the textbook case for inequality. I say this because, obviously, men control the legal system, as they do many other American institutions. This control allows men to steer the outcome of social contracts in ways that are beneficial to men. As long as children were seen as burdens within the purview of women; children did not gain much institutional attention from men.  For many years, the outcomes of divorces have been deplorable for women; some of that unfairness has begun to change. However, awarding child custody has become the new injustice perpetrated by a court system dominated by men.

    My ‘loved-one’s’ court case for the custody of her child has been “continued” on 4 different occasions. What started out last year and even had a court date in January is not resolved in August and the next court date is October. In the meantime, the mother supports a household on her income with no child support, while the father lives with his father, who also pays for attorney fees. As is the case in most states, a guardian ad litem (GAL) was assigned to the child to investigate the parents’ charges against each other.   The facts of the case include: the father violated two court orders, the visitation order and the “no hostile contact” order. There were no consequences for the father’s behavior. The GAL ignored the evidence of the father’s first born son’s mother, who was willing to speak about the father’s negative behavior. The GAL spent all of her court time favoring and chatting with the father and father’s attorney. The GAL was clearly annoyed with my loved one and her attorney during the proceedings.  The GAL turned down all evidence offered by the mother (my loved one). The court continues to rule in the favor of the father, granting visitation based on the father’s schedule instead of the mother’s schedule.

    The court sees no urgency in resolving the issue. After over a year of expensive attorney and court fees, the grandfather is now suing for custody of the child. My loved-one is alone in a state without her family. She works to support herself. She is required to pay for an attorney and maintain a household for her children. The father has no such requirements; his father pays the legal bills. Additionally the father does not maintain a household and because of his status as a merchant marine has no intention of maintaining a household.

    The court has not recognized the father’s violations of court orders, nor has the court recognized the unfairness of the situation. No binding requirements have been placed on the father, either by the fact that he is a father, nor by the court system.  The court shows extreme bias towards the father in all awards and considerations. All of the requirements of motherhood are placed on my ‘loved-one’ and more, she must support them financially and pay for her attorney.

    No doubt I am biased for my ‘loved-one’, but before that becomes an issue, understand that I am one of those women, that is 100% intolerant of violence and man-on-woman or man-on-child violence is the worst kind. So my bias dates way back to before these two people had this child. My bias dates back to the first time he ever laid hands on her to hurt her. My thought is that if you must do violence to another, then you do not deserve any sort of relationship, you have done irrevocable damage. To the father I say, “you hide behind money and a court system that is blind to your despicable nature. That is all too bad. And make no mistake, the child suffers.  I think it is too bad that the father does not suffer the way that his child suffers.”

    Back to the concept of Inequality, it is always the result of a superior stance made and maintained by any one group of humans. What will it take for humans to create equality on earth? What will it take to get humans to think outside of their own experience and to be open about the vast differences between human experiences? The superior always assume that their own experience is THE experience and nothing could be further from the truth.

    What is the white man presiding over my ‘loved-one’s’ family court case thinking? Has he experienced a beating at the hands of someone stronger? Has he fed his family on wages? Has he struggled to find a responsible babysitter so that he could work and make those wages? Does he sit on the court bench and imagine that the ‘craziness’ is the doing of the victim? Does he know that feeling helpless and abused can cause craziness? Does he understand that my ‘loved-one’ earned everything she has with hard work and effort and that effort is a lonely effort? My loved-one is not alone, but in this chore, fighting for her child, she must struggle alone, though many support her, it is her fight.

    Equality, when and where?

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  • Management,  Psychology of Life

    Mistaken Because of Failed Distinctions

    September 26, 2014

    We all associate qualities together, often lumping like qualities into one clump that describes and explains the actions of the other person.  Our brain makes all kinds of associations about everything, those associations were important to survival.  We needed to be able to recognize a past sign of danger when the danger re-presented itself.  The human race often equates predators with “evil” attributes.  Thus, lumping like qualities together: predator = evil.

    I have complained about this tendency in previous articles, as my family has blonde hair and there are plenty of attributes that are assigned to the quality of blonde: blonde hair + woman = dumb.  Additionally, the feminine characteristics have often been the subject of writing and research on false characteristic attribution.

    My latest complaint is that the qualities of gentleness and kindness are often equated with weakness and passivity.  I have prided myself more and more with the qualities of gentleness and kindness.  As I grow older, I feel more capable of exercising these attributes often.  However, I do not, under any circumstance and for any reason want anyone to see me as weak or passive.  Weak and passive people are often challenged by others and purposely controlled by those who seek power and control.  There are times when each of us must be weak and passive, however as enduring characteristics they are not the traits I wish to be remembered for.

    Kindness is the quality of being friendly, generous and considerate.  Kindness is something that I actively give, on the other hand, passivity is not a giving, true passivity is no thing at all; it means no active response.  Someone who has the quality of gentle is mild and kind and again, it is a giving, a moderate giving, but still a giving.  Weakness is again, somewhat like passivity as there is no action, it is inaction: lacking the power to perform demanding tasks.

    I think it is human to make associations, but I think it is a mistake to ignore the distinctions between qualities.  If you believe that my kindness equals passivity and will allow you the luxury of pushing me towards your goals with the ignoring of my goals, you are quite mistaken.  You may think that my kindness makes me weak and that gives you the ability to tell me how to be or what to do; that is a mistake.  I have no need to scream or curse, or yell, I simply go my own way.  It is good to take heed of this information about distinctions.

    Often, in the workplace, bosses short cut to getting things done without truly listening to the staff.  The staff are trying to be good “soldiers” and follow the direction of the manager.  However, when staff make an attempt to give good feedback to a manager, they are often cut off.  Bosses mistake compliance with weakness and should not.  Many staff will simply go underground with their feelings and thoughts.  This underground can develop into a powerful energy force that collaborates against the manager.

    This system can and does happen in the home or in other family collaborations.  That person with power and control forgets that real ‘control’ is a result of a positively negotiated system of relationships and power structures that take into account complex strengths and weaknesses.

    I started writing this article because I think we are mistaken when we ‘clump’ attributes together or associate them into a single characteristic.  Then I shifted to discussing power in relationships.  I believe that the assessment of characteristics in others sometimes leads us to behavior that is not quite right.  It is much more healthy and more realistic to remain open and to enjoy what people bring to the relationship in the moment that the relationship is occurring.  Associations with the past and with like qualities “clumped” together make it difficult for us to focus our attention and our awareness to the moment.  If we are in a position of power, we may lose out on all of the individuality that the other person brings to the relationship.  We may be so obsessed with our own point of view and the other person’s acquiescence that we miss the other person completely.

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  • Psychology of Life,  Speaking as a Parent

    How the Blog Started

    September 2, 2014

    The Push-Me Pull-You Llama is a character in a children’s book. The push-me pull-you is a 2 headed llama, who often fought against himself when trying to go in any direction, both heads tried to lead. I read this Doctor Dolittle book to my kids when they were young. Later as my kids grew older, I often felt like my kids and I were an expression of the two-headed llama. When my kids became teenagers they would try to pull away from me. I would try to hold onto them, as I was not ready to give them up. When my sons went into the service, I would write letters, sometimes daily, to keep them close. There were times, when I felt ‘complete’ as if I could be satisfied with my child-rearing and it appeared that life was moving on. Often, when I detached from an adult child – that is when the adult child would start expressing need for me. It was as if we were always in a mismatched dance of dependence and independence. We could never be in concert: I pulled away, they pushed, I pushed them close, they pulled away.

    As the kids moved out, they often lived a few miles away and being separate from them was sometimes shocking and sometimes painful. I always wondered if I had taught them enough and explained enough to them. I wanted to be sure that each and every one of them had the right tools to be successful in life. Ultimately, life is a trickster and no matter what skills you have picked up along the way, life will throw you the curve ball. There is no way to prepare for all of life’s challenges.

    That’s why I started the blog. I have always written and always loved writing. The bottom line was to stay in touch with many and far-flung kids no matter where they wandered in the world. This way, I could feel more complete about our conversations – I could feel as if I had given them everything they needed.

    The blog became more, I started living my life myself and realizing how rich the world is. I began getting involved: http://blogactionday.org/register-to-take-part/ Writing has its own reward, I didn’t need to do it to ‘finish’ raising the kids; I needed to do it for me. This is where I am today. Yes, I dearly love to continue communicating with my kids. Now, the blog has taken a life of its own. It is an expression of us, my family, in this ever changing world.

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  • Personal Growth

    Only Get Mad Once

    August 31, 2014

    Don’t get mad about the same thing, or the same incident more than once.  Sometimes, it’s hard not to get mad a second time.  If you get mad a third time, you are truly wasting energy, and mostly, you are wasting precious life energy.

    So often, the brain wants to replay the offending incidents or conversations over and over again.  Sometimes, these replays are truly damaging because they can bring about the same emotions and reactions again.  To replay them is to indulge the pain of the original moment.

    Take care of yourself by moving on.  Get past the original moment; get past the original emotion.  When you are having trouble doing this, tell yourself that what you need is the future, not the past.  The best way to get to that future is by leaving the weight of the past behind you.  This may be difficult to do.  You may not be able to banish your specific nightmare easily – and yet that does not mean that it cannot be done.  Redirect your mind to the task at hand.  Be stern with yourself, as stern as you would be with a recalcitrant child.  Once you have completed the task with one incident, do not allow that event to crowd your consciousness again.  Go on to the next event or incident and follow the same thinking technique.

    Your entire way of thinking may have to change.  You may identify yourself so strongly with your past and those wretched events that happened to you, that you may feel overwhelmed by the idea of changing.  If you do, you may have to go slowly, be aware that your brain may try to sway you into not changing.  It is up to you.  Decide to go forward, or not.

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  • Love and Relationships,  Psychology of Life

    Face the Situation AND Maintain Yourself

    August 26, 2014

    In life, we may find ourselves in punishing situations. These can range from having a bad job, living in a hostile environment, going through basic training and even more severe situations that threaten our well-being. Worse, we may not be able to immediately navigate away from these situations. We may have to endure them for a period of time.

    While people may treat you rudely (translate, “I don’t like you”) or dismissively (translate, “I don’t respect you”), you must do everything you can to maintain your dignity and self-respect.

    Tell yourself : “others’ may not perceive my talents, but I know that I am a great person.” There have been times when I have actually said to myself “my mother loves me, ha.” I would say this to keep myself from getting discouraged. This is an exercise that you can do easily, and you must do this exercise every time that someone has treated you badly. Tell yourself the opposite of whatever perceived insult you have endured.

    People may treat you poorly, but that is no reason to feel worthless or have low self esteem. Human beings are fantastic creatures with resilience and great capacities for love. If you need it, point the love to yourself.

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  • Psychology of Life

    “A Good Person”

    August 22, 2014

    Also, I just wanted to say that people say this:

    You hear people say this phrase all the time. “Oh he messed up, but he’s a good person.”
    only because they don’t want to be “gossipy” or they don’t want to sound negative. As soon as someone says “he is a good person, but” I know there is something bad coming. If someone is messed up, they are messed up and that is what is happening right now, so what if underneath they are really a good person, I say, so what?
    Good means the positives are way better than the negatives, it also means: no purposeful harm. If you spit in your boss’s coffee pot, you are not a good person, you are a person who thinks that being upset allows you to cause harm to others, that is not a good way to think.
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