• Baby Boomers,  Speaking as a Parent

    Using Parental Love to do Good for You

    August 17, 2014

    My father used his father’s love to quit smoking.  My parents lived in the time of everyone smoking in order to be sophisticated.  His parents never approved of his smoking and always urged him to stop.  When my father was 52 (1977) and divorced from my mom, his father took him out on his boat into Sarasota Bay.  My father’s father brought a bottle of whiskey and couple of pounds of cheddar cheese.  My father stayed out there on Sarasota Bay for three days.  His father said, “every time you want a cigarette, go take a bite of cheese and a sip of whiskey.”   When they stepped back onto the dock, his father said to him “don’t ever pick a cigarette up again.”

    That three day trip onto the water was what my father needed to quit smoking.  He clearly remembered and spoke of how much his father loved him.  My father wanted me to stop smoking, but he never preached or proselytized about it.  He thought that I would get around to quitting.  I devised a way to keep people from preaching to me about smoking.  I told everyone that I would quit when I turned 52, just like my father did.

    In the meantime, my mother passed away when she was 67, her final heart attack was in the intensive care unit and the hospital staff tried very hard to save her.  My father, who was 70, steadfastly supported us through our heartbreak.  Daddy lived on and did not pass away until he was 82.  I always thought that we got those extra 15 years from dad because he quit smoking and mom did not.

    Inevitably, I turned 52.  I’ll tell you, I was shocked when I did.  I did not realize that getting older would happen to me!  It put me in mind of something my dad had told me years ago.  My father said that he was looking in the mirror and he couldn’t believe that he had aged.  He said that inside, he felt no different, he was still the same person that he had always been and it was a mystery to him, how his body kept changing.

    I used the love of my father to make the final commitment to quit smoking after 30 years of smoking.  I chose to quit smoking by midnight the day before my 52nd birthday.  Luckily, I had the love of my (now) husband to keep me on course and to get me through those first 3 days and then beyond.

    Later, I chose an elaborate talisman to bring magic to my decision.  I am left handed, which I believe came from my mother.  When my mother was a child, she began her life left handed, but the said the nuns would slap her hand and tell her it was the work of the devil to be left handed.  She learned, the hard way, to be right handed.  It was symbolic of her times that her natural state was punished and she was force-formed into something that she was not.  I love my mother deeply and mourned her loss endlessly.  I had my mother’s birth initials tatooed on my left wrist.  I reasoned that I wanted the extra 15 years of life that my father got and I hoped that by seeing my mother’s initials on the wrist of my left hand – the hand I used to smoke cigarettes – I would always remind myself that I really want that extra 15 years of life.

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  • Psychology of Life,  Speaking as a Parent

    Anger, A Condition

    August 6, 2014

    I spoke softly, so as to get my point across. I had lost others to anger and did not like the idea of my own child becoming foreign to me. If I am afraid to speak with someone because I believe their anger will attack me, then I end up avoiding that person. I will go miles out of my way to stay away from that person. The relationship ends because I cannot endure being relentlessly attacked over and over again.

    In the case of my sister, her attacks were of me, but not me. She railed against everyone and everything. She felt victimized by the “system”, and struck out blindly at each and every one who was around her. She ended up becoming her anger. I lost her somewhere in the nineties, I couldn’t cope with her relentless wrath.

    So, I said “anger can be un-chosen”. She answered, “but, there are reasons for my anger, people take advantage of me”. I persisted, “you can decide that anything does or does not make you angry.” I wanted her to understand that the choice lies in the mind, not outside of self with the other person’s behavior. The choice to be angry is always our own choice. We can say to ourselves “stop, no more anger right now!” In the case of my sister, anger is still the chronicle of her life, yet her example is not the only type of anger gone awry, sometimes anger goes underground. This is the insidious type; I much prefer the loud type of anger to this type of anger. If you are angry with me, please say so, don’t sabotage me for a later discovery. In either case, the relationship gets destroyed. Anger and the fear of retribution becomes the focus of relating. That is the kind of relationship that I must run from. Sometimes, we must relinquish entire relationships to save ourselves.

    I have a note on an index card that I keep with me and read daily: I promise not to get angry about personality failures. I promise not to get angry about mechanical and electronic failures; my inconvenience is not worth a heart attack.

    In regards to our conversation; I fervently want to have this relationship. I also want this relationship to be healthy. I fear that we stand on a precipice where anger is not an emotion, but instead is a condition. When the anger becomes the condition, the life becomes a series of reasons to be hurt and angry. How difficult that is!

    Please, please step back from that precipice.

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  • Baby Boomers,  Management,  Philosophy

    Cruel Behavior, How do we Stop it? First, Stop Denying…

    August 4, 2014

    As a young woman, I was very serious and very smart. Humanity mystified me, but I believed that everyone was basically good hearted and if not, at least trying their best to be good. In the way of human beings, I had not one clue. I had no understanding of the culture of drugs, alcohol and sex. I went to work, I went to school, I took care of my children. I briefly drank some and once was even drunk and driving. That only happened one time because it scared me silly.

    Now that I am older and my kids are adults, I am much more capable of seeing people around me and understanding behavior. Ridiculously, all of my life I believed that cruelty was an aberration and that all stories had a somewhat positive ending. Why? Because people really do try to do the right thing… how ignorant I feel now.

    It has been a compelling journey.

    So I had experience with people being nasty and mean. I saw angry people treat others badly, but I had always categorized them as the disenfranchised, people less fortunate than others, who had been mistreated by civil brutality. What I did not have experience with and understanding of was cruelty, anger and hatred for its own sake, expressed out of meanness rather than misfortune. This kind of meanness comes from selfishness and greed and has nothing to do with lashing back at others, but rather was a means to a specific and self-centered end.

    Even then, when I experienced it, I believed it to be an anomaly. I had no idea that yes, in fact, half of human beings are capable of being cruel for their own selfish sakes. Many have documented that our minds are capable of great story telling (i.e. rationalization and justification) and I know this to be correct. Stories abound that explain every bit of human behavior.

    I want to believe that now that we know these things, for example that our ‘brains can justify anything’, that we would also take a chance at openness and listening so that we could be sure that our justifications were not in the service of harming ‘someone else’. In other words, how do we put a check on cruel behavior? Indeed, how do we?

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  • Psychology of Life

    Marcus Sakey, On Personality

    August 1, 2014

    “Cooper had a theory about personality.  Most people considered personality to be a singular identity.  Malleable, sure, but essentially cohesive.  But he tended to see people as more of a chorus.  Every stage in life added a voice to that chorus.  The different iterations of himself – lonely military brat, cocky teenager, faithful soldier, young husband, dedicated father, relentless hunter – they all existed within him.  When he saw a ten-year-old girl, there was a ten-year-old boy inside him that thought she was pretty.  Just one voice in a chorus of dozens, which was what marked the difference between healthy people and broken ones; in the broken ones, the inappropriate voices held an inappropriate number of spaces.”

    An excerpt from the Brilliance saga.

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  • Baby Boomers,  Womens Issues

    “Like a Girl” “Like a Woman”

    July 21, 2014

    As I watched the commercial about the meaning of “run like a girl”, I had to reflect back on my recent experience.  There seemed to be so many corollaries to “like a woman”.  What I mean by that is working through a career as a woman is quite difficult and sometimes brings to mind the bullies on the playground who said “she runs like a girl”.  Does the one follow through to the other?

    As long as I am passive, easy going and accepting of others’ words and deeds, people think of me as “appropriate”.  Unfortunately, aggressive bullies interpret easy going behavior as an invitation to *push* more, and other types of people interpret it as an invitation to *take* more.  In either case, when I am not passive and easy going, my behavior is labeled as “wrong” and any “wrong” behavior justifies bad behavior by the second party.  Just ask anyone, if someone is mean, you can be mean back.

    Back to the woman point…what I find with work and even with my family, is that passive, accepting and easy going is the behavior that gains their acceptance.

    It is not always possible to be these qualities and there are lots of reasons why, and chief among them is the fact that – that very behavior invites bullying and advantage taking.

    At my age, and I am a grandmother, I have attained a wealth of wisdom.  I am especially expert at raising children and recognizing human behavior for what it is.  Sharing these ideas and thoughts is never welcome in my family.  Any feedback is considered unwelcome, meddling, controlling.  I can actually understand this.  As a young woman, I did not want my mother to tell me how to raise my kids.  As a matter of fact, I particularly criticized her for the way that she raised me.  How ignorant I was and thank goodness that role-modeling is a powerful teacher, otherwise I may have lost all of my mother’s wisdom.

    So, at least I understand my familial rejection of my wisdom.  What I do not understand is that there appears to be a universal rejection of women’s wisdom.  I am and have been for more than twenty years – a manager.  I have aggressively pursued a powerful career and have often managed more than fifty staff member and millions of dollars.  Even though I have achieved very profitable success in business, my role as a woman is always a challenge to my career success.  Usually my challenge is how “honest” I am.  Last year, I was more accepting and therefore nicer.  Unfortunately, my accepting behavior had consequences, particularly that others practice their bullying skills on me.  People are much more likely to identify ‘acceptance’ as a female attribute and are much more likely to accept female type attributes from a woman.  Ergo, they are unwilling to accept behavior that is more male like, such as evaluating, judging and offering or giving feedback.  Men get away with all sorts of behavior in the business community that women do not.

    Additionally, people who have comfortably powerful positions never question their own actions, decisions or behavior.  Even when the world screams negative feedback, those in power will not question the actions that they take.  Because they cannot question themselves, they must make any questioner wrong.  This is how I become the bad person.  I do not know how I gained this role in life, and frankly, I do not care for the role of *questioner* but – there it is.  I question poor decisions, I question greedy behavior, I am disturbed by condescending behavior that affects people.  I am not mean, nor angry when I question behavior, but, at times you would think that I am breathing fire.  No one wants to be questioned, egos are so unstable that any questioning comes as a threat.  It is not only women’s wisdom that is rejected outright, but a culture of defensiveness has become a norm.

    Reading this article may make you think that I think that I am correct.  I assure you I do not think that I am correct.  I simply wish for the kind of conversation that allows for an exchange of ideas between capable and intelligent people.

    Having this kind of conversation requires that human beings believe that women are strong, smart, capable and even justly powerful.  I do not know many humans who do not color women with images of weakness (think accepting) and ignorance – even women do this.  As humans, we have a way to go, but I believe that we can and I believe that we must get there.  We must believe, in a fundamental way, that women are just as strong and just as deserving as every other human being.

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  • World Affairs

    20 Years Ago

    July 14, 2014

    Before Windows 95, my (then) husband made sure that I had a computer.  Because of my work, my husband had us connected to the internet as soon as it was possible.  We were the first on our block to have the whole package: computer, internet and faxing.  When my husband first connected my computer to the internet, he gave me a card with a note inside of it that said “Now you can talk to the world.”  That note was very special to me because he was conveying a few different things to me by writing that note.  He wanted me to know that what I had to say was important and it was worth communicating to the world.  It is significant to me, that 20 years later, I am indeed, still talking to the world.

    My husband is long gone now, he passed away in 2007.  His birthday is today and he would deeply appreciate that today is being called Malala Day.  He was always proud that July 14th is Bastille Day, the day commemorating french freedom.   The freedom of women is critical to the success of humankind.  If we don’t get this right, we won’t survive, it really is that important.

    July 14, 2014
    July 14, 2014
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  • Baby Boomers,  Economic Equality (A Goal),  World Affairs

    Legislated Profitability is not Capitalism

    July 6, 2014

    The picture on the news yesterday: lots of angry Americans protesting the transportation of South American mothers and children into this country.  The people seemed very angry, shouting, shaking their fists and standing in the hot sun with signs that shrieked “unwelcome here”.

    It occurred to me that this anger is completely misplaced.  It is as if the wealthy capitalistic culture of America has convinced the average middle class person in this country that their unfulfilled desires and their shrinking wallets are the fault of tax dollars going to the poor.  That is just not the case!  I wish that knowledge and wisdom could be conveyed to others through the publication of facts… But, our culture buys into the pictures and stories provided to us on TV and on the internet.  Facts are not purveyed with the same fervency as “the story”.

    For example:  The average American does not have less because of healthcare provided to the poor, the average American does not have less because of food stamps given to the poverty stricken.  The average American has less in this society because we worship capitalism above all else and thus put profit making before human beings.  Instead of assuring that everyone who needs health care gets health care, we legislate massive wealth to drug production companies by allowing them to charge obscenely marked up drugs to Medicare(taxpayer dollars).  Durable medical equipment is but another, in a long list of ridiculously priced “health care” products that the American public pays for.  The American public pays dearly for these items – not because they are valuable, but because we have allowed our system to become perverted with a goal and end product of profit rather than health for human beings.

    This perversion runs rampant in our culture.  Insurance companies have been profitable in America for decades.  When the profitability was threatened by numerous hurricanes, all of those decades of wealth and plenty were forgotten and insurance companies were allowed to close down and leave the state.  After all, if there really were going to be a lot of claims then that would be Florida’s problem – not the grossly profitable insurance industry’s problem.  This is the thinking that has gotten us to where we are today.  Any interruption of profitability is to be plugged up by the government.  Who is the government?  Why, none other than the taxpayers – that is who – you and me.  Instead of understanding our fundamental error, we are attacking the poor, disenfranchised children of the Americas.

    I think we should be angry, I just think we are aiming it into the wrong direction.  There are those who want us to believe it is ‘the poor’ who suck from the rest of us and thus make us poorer.  A more accurate picture is that our culture is finally catching up with us.  We forgot that the point of capitalism is for humans to make living better, humans being the key word here.  When capitalism becomes a weapon that is consumed by only a few, then it becomes a poisoned concept.

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