• Baby Boomers,  Womens Issues

    “Like a Girl” “Like a Woman”

    July 21, 2014

    As I watched the commercial about the meaning of “run like a girl”, I had to reflect back on my recent experience.  There seemed to be so many corollaries to “like a woman”.  What I mean by that is working through a career as a woman is quite difficult and sometimes brings to mind the bullies on the playground who said “she runs like a girl”.  Does the one follow through to the other?

    As long as I am passive, easy going and accepting of others’ words and deeds, people think of me as “appropriate”.  Unfortunately, aggressive bullies interpret easy going behavior as an invitation to *push* more, and other types of people interpret it as an invitation to *take* more.  In either case, when I am not passive and easy going, my behavior is labeled as “wrong” and any “wrong” behavior justifies bad behavior by the second party.  Just ask anyone, if someone is mean, you can be mean back.

    Back to the woman point…what I find with work and even with my family, is that passive, accepting and easy going is the behavior that gains their acceptance.

    It is not always possible to be these qualities and there are lots of reasons why, and chief among them is the fact that – that very behavior invites bullying and advantage taking.

    At my age, and I am a grandmother, I have attained a wealth of wisdom.  I am especially expert at raising children and recognizing human behavior for what it is.  Sharing these ideas and thoughts is never welcome in my family.  Any feedback is considered unwelcome, meddling, controlling.  I can actually understand this.  As a young woman, I did not want my mother to tell me how to raise my kids.  As a matter of fact, I particularly criticized her for the way that she raised me.  How ignorant I was and thank goodness that role-modeling is a powerful teacher, otherwise I may have lost all of my mother’s wisdom.

    So, at least I understand my familial rejection of my wisdom.  What I do not understand is that there appears to be a universal rejection of women’s wisdom.  I am and have been for more than twenty years – a manager.  I have aggressively pursued a powerful career and have often managed more than fifty staff member and millions of dollars.  Even though I have achieved very profitable success in business, my role as a woman is always a challenge to my career success.  Usually my challenge is how “honest” I am.  Last year, I was more accepting and therefore nicer.  Unfortunately, my accepting behavior had consequences, particularly that others practice their bullying skills on me.  People are much more likely to identify ‘acceptance’ as a female attribute and are much more likely to accept female type attributes from a woman.  Ergo, they are unwilling to accept behavior that is more male like, such as evaluating, judging and offering or giving feedback.  Men get away with all sorts of behavior in the business community that women do not.

    Additionally, people who have comfortably powerful positions never question their own actions, decisions or behavior.  Even when the world screams negative feedback, those in power will not question the actions that they take.  Because they cannot question themselves, they must make any questioner wrong.  This is how I become the bad person.  I do not know how I gained this role in life, and frankly, I do not care for the role of *questioner* but – there it is.  I question poor decisions, I question greedy behavior, I am disturbed by condescending behavior that affects people.  I am not mean, nor angry when I question behavior, but, at times you would think that I am breathing fire.  No one wants to be questioned, egos are so unstable that any questioning comes as a threat.  It is not only women’s wisdom that is rejected outright, but a culture of defensiveness has become a norm.

    Reading this article may make you think that I think that I am correct.  I assure you I do not think that I am correct.  I simply wish for the kind of conversation that allows for an exchange of ideas between capable and intelligent people.

    Having this kind of conversation requires that human beings believe that women are strong, smart, capable and even justly powerful.  I do not know many humans who do not color women with images of weakness (think accepting) and ignorance – even women do this.  As humans, we have a way to go, but I believe that we can and I believe that we must get there.  We must believe, in a fundamental way, that women are just as strong and just as deserving as every other human being.

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  • World Affairs

    20 Years Ago

    July 14, 2014

    Before Windows 95, my (then) husband made sure that I had a computer.  Because of my work, my husband had us connected to the internet as soon as it was possible.  We were the first on our block to have the whole package: computer, internet and faxing.  When my husband first connected my computer to the internet, he gave me a card with a note inside of it that said “Now you can talk to the world.”  That note was very special to me because he was conveying a few different things to me by writing that note.  He wanted me to know that what I had to say was important and it was worth communicating to the world.  It is significant to me, that 20 years later, I am indeed, still talking to the world.

    My husband is long gone now, he passed away in 2007.  His birthday is today and he would deeply appreciate that today is being called Malala Day.  He was always proud that July 14th is Bastille Day, the day commemorating french freedom.   The freedom of women is critical to the success of humankind.  If we don’t get this right, we won’t survive, it really is that important.

    July 14, 2014
    July 14, 2014
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  • Baby Boomers,  Economic Equality (A Goal),  World Affairs

    Legislated Profitability is not Capitalism

    July 6, 2014

    The picture on the news yesterday: lots of angry Americans protesting the transportation of South American mothers and children into this country.  The people seemed very angry, shouting, shaking their fists and standing in the hot sun with signs that shrieked “unwelcome here”.

    It occurred to me that this anger is completely misplaced.  It is as if the wealthy capitalistic culture of America has convinced the average middle class person in this country that their unfulfilled desires and their shrinking wallets are the fault of tax dollars going to the poor.  That is just not the case!  I wish that knowledge and wisdom could be conveyed to others through the publication of facts… But, our culture buys into the pictures and stories provided to us on TV and on the internet.  Facts are not purveyed with the same fervency as “the story”.

    For example:  The average American does not have less because of healthcare provided to the poor, the average American does not have less because of food stamps given to the poverty stricken.  The average American has less in this society because we worship capitalism above all else and thus put profit making before human beings.  Instead of assuring that everyone who needs health care gets health care, we legislate massive wealth to drug production companies by allowing them to charge obscenely marked up drugs to Medicare(taxpayer dollars).  Durable medical equipment is but another, in a long list of ridiculously priced “health care” products that the American public pays for.  The American public pays dearly for these items – not because they are valuable, but because we have allowed our system to become perverted with a goal and end product of profit rather than health for human beings.

    This perversion runs rampant in our culture.  Insurance companies have been profitable in America for decades.  When the profitability was threatened by numerous hurricanes, all of those decades of wealth and plenty were forgotten and insurance companies were allowed to close down and leave the state.  After all, if there really were going to be a lot of claims then that would be Florida’s problem – not the grossly profitable insurance industry’s problem.  This is the thinking that has gotten us to where we are today.  Any interruption of profitability is to be plugged up by the government.  Who is the government?  Why, none other than the taxpayers – that is who – you and me.  Instead of understanding our fundamental error, we are attacking the poor, disenfranchised children of the Americas.

    I think we should be angry, I just think we are aiming it into the wrong direction.  There are those who want us to believe it is ‘the poor’ who suck from the rest of us and thus make us poorer.  A more accurate picture is that our culture is finally catching up with us.  We forgot that the point of capitalism is for humans to make living better, humans being the key word here.  When capitalism becomes a weapon that is consumed by only a few, then it becomes a poisoned concept.

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  • Economy of Effort,  Hmmm...

    Controlling, Advice, One-upmanship, and other Relationship Killers

    June 27, 2014

    For some reason I am being crowded with people who want to tell me what to do, when, where and how to do things. There is an awful little voice in my head that says “see there’s proof, that you are not enough!” “You don’t make enough money, you aren’t a good enough mother, you aren’t a perfect accountant and you sure aren’t the best counselor I ever met.” This is the internal message.

    I also don’t like the external message which is often mixed with resentment and sometimes, downright contempt. Honestly, disapproval or condescension is a turn off. If I have enough bad experiences with someone, I will find a way to get that person out of my life permanently. Even when someone gives me (unasked for) advice and direction lovingly, there is a point when I get tired of it.

    For the most part, I think the following things about these people: 1. You are trying to prove you are in control. 2. You are trying to inflate your ego by presenting an idea that you know something that you believe (or hope) I do not know. 3. You are lonely and scared and showing people how ‘smart’ you are is your way of gaining confidence. 4. You want to dominate the conversation with your ‘wisdom’ and ‘knowledge’, thus ensuring attention that you are desperate for. 5. Sometimes, people have strong belief systems wherein they want reassurance thru selling their ideas to others, hoping to gain agreement for their belief systems: for example, parenting and dieting.

    No matter how I think about it, I always walk away from these kind of discussions feeling annoyed. I tell people to their face, I don’t need your advice, sometimes I will couch it nicely like “you’re preaching to the choir”, meaning yes, I am already on top of this subject, or I may even be aggressive about it and say “please don’t repeat yourself, I-got-it-in-one.”

    Truly, I am losing my patience with this kind of exchange. One person I know is *almost stalking me* so that she can demonstrate how rich and smart she is, another person I know cannot have a conversation with me without telling me that I have made an error and indeed, since this person is so much smarter, they could have told me how to correct myself, in advance of my error. I want people to know that whatever they see in me that makes them want to control and / or convince me of their intelligence – I sincerely apologize. I am not interested in supplanting anyone; or dominating anyone or in any other way competing with anyone.

    One-upmanship truly is useless in relationships. The mere fact that I exist, may annoy or upset some people, I can’t and won’t apologize for that! I started this article discussing my internal conversation. My internal conversation is sometimes unworthy. When I make my internal conversation more worthy, then the external conversations are much less likely to annoy me. So there is this: you take care of yourself, stop trying to tell me what and how to live, work, and where to be. In exchange, I promise to work on my internal conversation such that your effect on me, does not force me to get you out of my life permanently.

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  • Philosophy,  Psychology of Life,  Spirituality

    The Conversation About Free Will

    June 22, 2014

    Do we live in a universe of pre-destiny or self determination?  Do you know something because it is already true, or do you know it because you are determined to make it true?

    Do you affect life or does life affect you?

    It’s a complex combination that cannot be denied.  We want to think that our willpower can control the universe and we know that it cannot.  Failing that, we try to force thinking positive to overcome our situation.  When that does not work either, we find ourselves in our real place.  Our real place is the present.  We can work very hard and have enormous wealth, or we can do nothing special and have enormous wealth.  We can work at nothing and lose everything; we can work hard at everything and achieve nothing.  All of these things can happen.  We cannot say that we are in control.  We can increase our comfort and even our pleasure, but we cannot say how others will treat us, or how destiny will define us.

    Victor Frankl made the observation (and in fact, had the experience) that in spite of a terrible and traumatic life situation, one can be true to self and hang onto one’s own free will of experience.  He met every day in the nazi prison with self determination to continue to be a good person.  Because he felt a purpose in living, he was able to survive unthinkable hardships.  Often, he was surrounded by other prisoners who cared for and supported each other; they did this by denying their captors the right to make them hurtful or hateful.  Their captors were capable of horrifying atrocities, but the majority of the prisoners avoided the hatred that would make them cruel to each other, they chose nurturing and caring for each other over the hate.

    We want there to be an equation to life, yet, there is no such equation.  There is no reason for how life works out.  There is no equity and obviously no objective justice.  What can humans do?  As Eckhardt Tolle suggests, we must gain agreement with ourselves for acceptance of this moment.  There are bad situations and negative / hurtful humans around us, we cannot deny these facts.  We must have what we have, which is not always what we wish to have, or have worked to have.

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  • Baby Boomers,  Love and Relationships,  Speaking as a Parent

    Theresa

    June 15, 2014

    I was trying a new hairdresser and so was introduced to Theresa.  We talked for several minutes before she blurted out that she had buried her husband 4 years before.  We talked for a bit longer.  She said that her husband was very healthy and only 67 when he died of a sudden heart attack.  She told me about what the doctors said to her, she thought that they were affected by her husband’s death because they had fear in their eyes when they talked about how he died.  No reason and no rhyme, he just had a heart attack.  Theresa told me that on the night that her husband died, the paramedics got there immediately and worked on her husband for a half hour, she said that she knew that he was gone and mused, almost to herself “the eyes change when you die, I mean you can tell when someone is gone.”

    I could not give her what she was giving to me, I shared some about my mother’s death while in the intensive care unit, we remarked that my mother was the same age as her husband when she passed away.  I reassured her that not much can stop a heart attack that is meant to kill you.  Sometimes you partake of another’s lively loveliness and you know that you have not done your part to contribute to the exchange and that is how it was with her.  I have always seen myself the generous one, but her sharing was more profound than anything I was capable of.

    I could not tell her that my children’s father had also died of his one and only heart attack at age 54.  I could not tell her about my husband who is also a widower.  I could not tell her anything about my current grief at all.

    As we spoke about kids [and I mean 20-somethings] (I have many, she has none) I lamented that it seemed that kids nowadays are so dramatic, they are entirely too impatient.  My new friend Theresa said “I’ll tell you something, when you watch someone die in front of your eyes, it changes you, what matters to you is different after that.”  And I thought, yes.

    So let the kids have their drama, that is so much easier and better than giving them real grief and I mean that.

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  • Love and Relationships

    While You Endure Your Pain

    June 10, 2014

    I will not shy away from it, I will not be angered by it.  I will not leave you alone with it.

    I do not want to feel your pain, yet it is inevitable, a force of nature, a by-product of profound love transmitted by many hearts.  Your pain forces itself into my psyche, not to be ignored or put away and saved away into a different place.  Your pain sits upon your heart and your shoulders and it is in your eyes.  There is no escape.

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