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This Not That
Think This:
I am so glad that I am healthy enough to exercise. I am able to walk without pain. I enjoy fresh air and I can breath deeply. By exercising, I know that I will be able to be a great grandmother. I dearly want to live to be a great grandmother.
I can feel my body stretch, it’s like the atoms are alive in my muscles, they tingle.
Not That:
I am so tired, I don’t want to move. I don’t want to get up and I especially don’t want to walk over there, it looks far away. My muscles are sore and I don’t want to be sore.
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This Not That…
Think This:
This morning is beautiful, the weather is dry and it’s not hot yet. It’s only Tuesday, so I have lots of time to get the work done that I want to get done this week. I’m excited at the thought of accomplishment!
Not That:
It’s only Tuesday and I am already exhausted, how will I make it through this week?
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Bridge of Tears
In Ireland, there is a place called the Bridge of Tears, it is named because for more than a hundred years, when family members decided to go to America, the entire family would escort them as far as possible and here on the Bridge of Tears the families would separate. Family members going on to America would leave their beloved families to travel onward, who then returned home. The bridge was named to reflect the experience of the families, who often knew that they would never again see their loved ones.
Five years ago, when my family and I drove my daughter to Virginia with her queen size bed roped to the top of the Yukon, I believed we were going on a temporary mission. As often happens with single parents, we make our world revolve around our children. We have to, rarely do couple relationships become serious when your baggage include 3+ kids, particularly if they are teenagers.
Since that time, my family has changed significantly, we all tried moving to Virginia and that did not work out. I even got married to the most fantastic man I have ever met.
It wasn’t until this week that I realized that with all of those familial changes, I still have not left the Bridge of Tears. As my daughters and I tried to plan this year where we could see each other and I felt rejected by their responses, I realized that I still stand by the Bridge waiting for them to change their minds and return from their destinations.
I have not left the Bridge of Tears because I am afraid if I do, the mere act of leaving the Bridge will mean that I have truly lost them. I am afraid I will not be there to welcome them home, I will not be there to guide their way back. I lament what cruel twist of fate would take them from me for so long. But it is not to be.
My daughters make their own homes now, they make homes for their own children, they do not return to me or the childhood of yesterday. What I realize that I must do today is, I must leave the Bridge of Tears. I must make a new life. I must learn to make a new home, I am very lucky and – by the best twist of fate – I have someone showing the way – my husband.
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Live Well, Laugh Often, and Love Much
He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much; who has enjoyed the trust of pure women, the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who has left the world better than he found it, whether an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had; whose life was an inspiration; whose memory a benediction.Written by Bessie A. Stanley and published in 1911.
Reworded for Emerson’s quote:
To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.
It doesn’t surprise me that people keep attributing this work to a man, when it originally came from a woman. When I was in school, I wrote a paper about the idolatry of male artists, while female artists are often ignored by history. I just wanted to acknowledge Bessie A. Stanley for her enduringly positive philosophy.
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Economic Equality – Not Yet
I was having a conversation with an acquaintance of mine and it seemed to be a repeat of many other conversations wherein I discovered that I do not adhere to the popular belief and that the conclusions I draw about our world are not so much the conclusions that other people draw.I have witnessed so much economic inequality in this world, that I have drawn the conclusion that every opportunity that one has to improve another’s economy should be taken. As a boss in today’s corporate world, I have done everything in my power to assure that each and every staff member benefits from my belief system about this. There is no reason to be loyal to a corporation or an institution, there is every reason to be loyal to people. I realize that shareholders in large corporations would not agree with this. Witness, the latest McDonald’s debacle: staff who make minimum wage have been cheated out of overtime hours by supervisors who are loyal to McDonald’s the corporation. This has resulted in a One BILLION dollar profit for McDonald’s shareholders.
On the other side of the coin are the millions of hard working people that work in the fast food industry (including 10s of thousands of single parents) who are suffering through poverty. These human beings often do not know if they will have enough money to pay the electric bill, often, they do not have their own space, but rent rooms or tiny efficiencies from others.
When I speak with people, they refer to some esoteric belief that somehow, the universe is just, they use words like karma and “if it’s meant to be, it will be” to indicate that there is some fairness in the universe and we just have to wait to see it happen.
I believe that it is possible that the universe is just – I just do not believe that human beings are just. The wealthy – all over the world – have proven for several thousand years that once they gain wealth, they will stop at nothing to keep gathering the wealth and to push other people down in order to gain more of their own wealth.
In America, we say that we are the land of the opportunity and that if you cannot build your own success then maybe you have not worked hard enough or you have not done enough in order to properly earn success. I do not believe that this is true and I find it extremely difficult to believe that anyone can still believe this ridiculous lie after all that has happened in America in the last decade.
Foolish, mean, ugly, cheating, lazy people can be quite wealthy. I know people who have never worked, nor thought about working, one day in their own lives, and they own vast amounts of wealth. There are many, many people who are very, very wealthy who are guilty of terrible sins and there are many, many people who are wealthy and who gained that wealth by cheating from others (for example, McDonald’s shareholders).
My conclusion is that there is not justice living in this world unless humans apply it. Karma and Jesus may save us, but that is not for this life. For this life, we must find ways to save each other.
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Have you ever noticed that if someone cannot give you what you want, they get angry with you?
It is as if their failing is somehow your fault. Interesting. Not “failing” as in weakness or shortcoming, but failing as in lack – how do you neutralize inability, indifference or unwillingness?
You cannot neutralize the word “fail” for others, of course. However, do not change yourself because others cannot be happy with who you are or what you want. If you want something and they are angry with you about it, do not take it personally. You are not a bad person because you want something that you cannot have or because you want something that is difficult to gain.
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Have you ever noticed that when you can’t give someone what they want, they get angry with you?
They don’t like you and start saying mean things to you or about you?
Why do humans do this? When we are unhappy with someone and they will not produce our fondest wishes, we disparage them? Why do we do this? As humans, if we do not get what we want, why do we attack those people whom we need and/or love?
Why do we attack if people don’t agree with us or give us what we want? We should not. I say that we evaluate and allow the person off the hook… Often people say no to us out of mistaken beliefs that what we want is not good, or that they cannot provide us with what we want. In any case, it is often not the fault of the naysayer that the answer is no – do not attack the person.
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How Does it Feel to Have a Daughter This Beautiful?
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Fait Accompli
On Monday morning he made fun of her and -it was as if- all of the trying and the striving left her in a big whoosh, like an exhaled breath long held and needing escape. She no longer wanted to get “things” done; she no longer wanted to be anything other than what she could be. She thought of all of the times he had made fun of her telling her that she was silly or misinformed or that her preferences were incorrect. It occurred to her that all of that trying and striving really had brought her to nothing, because he still made fun of her in his sweetly disparaging way. No matter what she thought about, she couldn’t get any of the trying to get things done, or the striving to be – back. It was absent: a fait accompli, complete in its non-existence. So, when it seemed like he could see that her motivation was gone, he made an offer, what could be called a “compromise” and still she could not find the will to care. To herself, she said “do as you wish” to him, she only grimaced.No matter what had happened so far in their relationship, it had been an external force operating on them as a couple, suddenly, it was their couple-ness that was operating against them. She could see that no matter how much struggling you can do to be the ‘perfect whoever you are’, she thought that she personally, could never be enough. She wondered how that would impact her heretofore perfect couple-ness.
Her life as she had known it had changed so dramatically since she had found him to be her mate. The part of her that was interested in equality wanted his life to change just as dramatically, but not any of that ever happened and through no fault of his, she was left to drift further and further from the shores of her own happiness. She could not find the purpose in her life anymore, she who had spent her entire life dedicating herself to her children and to those less fortunate than her. Her mothering was over and her years as a therapist ripped from her grasp as surely as a cashier takes your money. She was paid in full with no prize for the effort.
And so, she didn’t care, nothing mattered, so nothing mattered. The loneliness was upon her.
