• Love and Relationships,  Speaking as a Parent

    Have you ever noticed that if someone cannot give you what you want, they get angry with you?

    April 28, 2014

    It is as if their failing is somehow your fault.  Interesting.    Not “failing” as in weakness or shortcoming, but failing as in lack – how do you neutralize inability, indifference or unwillingness?

    You cannot neutralize the word “fail” for others, of course.  However, do not change yourself because others cannot be happy with who you are or what you want.  If you want something and they are angry with you about it, do not take it personally.  You are not a bad person because you want something that you cannot have or because you want something that is difficult to gain.

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  • Hmmm...,  Love and Relationships,  Personal Growth

    Have you ever noticed that when you can’t give someone what they want, they get angry with you?

    April 24, 2014

    They don’t like you and start saying mean things to you or about you?

    Why do humans do this?  When we are unhappy with someone and they will not produce our fondest wishes, we disparage them?  Why do we do this?  As humans, if we do not get what we want, why do we attack those people whom we need and/or love?

    Why do we attack if people don’t agree with us or give us what we want?  We should not.  I say that we evaluate and allow the person off the hook… Often people say no to us out of mistaken beliefs that what we want is not good, or that they cannot provide us with what we want.  In any case, it is often not the fault of the naysayer that the answer is no – do not attack the person.

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  • Baby Boomers,  Spirituality,  Womens Issues

    Fait Accompli

    April 16, 2014

    On Monday morning he made fun of her and -it was as if- all of the trying and the striving left her in a big whoosh, like an exhaled breath long held and needing escape.  She no longer wanted to get “things” done; she no longer wanted to be anything other than what she could be.  She thought of all of the times he had made fun of her telling her that she was silly or misinformed or that her preferences were incorrect.  It occurred to her that all of that trying and striving really had brought her to nothing, because he still made fun of her in his sweetly disparaging way.  No matter what she thought about, she couldn’t get any of the trying to get things done, or the striving to be – back.  It was absent: a fait accompli, complete in its non-existence.  So, when it seemed like he could see that her motivation was gone, he made an offer, what could be called a “compromise” and still she could not find the will to care.  To herself, she said “do as you wish” to him, she only grimaced.

    No matter what had happened so far in their relationship, it had been an external force operating on them as a couple, suddenly, it was their couple-ness that was operating against them.  She could see that no matter how much struggling you can do to be the ‘perfect whoever you are’, she thought that she personally, could never be enough.  She wondered how that would impact her heretofore perfect couple-ness.

    Her life as she had known it had changed so dramatically since she had found him to be her mate.  The part of her that was interested in equality wanted his life to change just as dramatically, but not any of that ever happened and through no fault of his, she was left to drift further and further from the shores of her own happiness.  She could not find the purpose in her life anymore, she who had spent her entire life dedicating herself to her children and to those less fortunate than her.  Her mothering was over and her years as a therapist ripped from her grasp as surely as a cashier takes your money.  She was paid in full with no prize for the effort.

    And so, she didn’t care, nothing mattered, so nothing mattered.  The loneliness was upon her.

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  • Love and Relationships,  Speaking as a Parent

    Dear Easter

    April 13, 2014

    March 2014It didn’t turn out at all as I thought it would.  Some days were actually crushing, bludgeoning my spirit with grief, sadness and even despair.

    Still, here we are and Easter’s promise is as it always has been… spring time and the promise of rebirth.  The promise of hope that happiness returns, it may never be what it was before, but our hearts need not lay low because the past will never return to us.  We can embrace the new hope, the new spring time as it brings forth the fresh lush growth of colored flowers and green trees and fields.

    The spring demands that we keep our heart open to new possibilities, possibilities that at first may not be recognizable.  We are creatures of habit and may not see or recognize the new love, the new life that springs forth to embrace us.  We must open our heart, our arms and let the new growth seduce us and then embrace us.  We must do this in order to keep the promise of spring alive in our hearts.

    Then, when we know love, we must give it and be the instrument of love for others.  We must be the spring that others need to open their souls again to the sun.

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  • Love and Relationships

    Unrelenting Punishment

    March 30, 2014

    When your feelings are hurt every single day, eventually your strength will sag.  When people come at you angry, condescending, lecturing and otherwise telling you that they are so much smarter than you are, your spirit will become low.

    I do not think people realize that this unrelenting punishment of others will not gain anything for them.  At first they may think that they are reforming the other person into someone that they like more, but in the end, all that happens is that the person finds a way to escape from the Punisher.

    The heart hurts, the spirit is low and so the punished will find a way to run away.  Sometimes, these situations do not change and in those cases the relationship requires a complete divorce.  It is a sad thing to witness.  Every single time that I am witness to this situation, or when I experience this situation, I always wonder about intention.

    What is your intention in this relationship?  Do you want to continue the relationship?  If you want to continue the relationship why do you make the other person feel bad, by constantly telling them that they are wrong?  When you lecture another, you are telling them that they are not smart enough on their own.  Your crusade of “rightness” leaves them feeling hurt and angry.

    Do you understand support?  Do you understand that support is the action of giving?  Giving means the relinquishment of what you desire in order to care for another.  Giving is the most effective means of maintaining a relationship.  Giving does not equate to material comfort (although it can).  Giving equates to a smiling face, an answering grace, a soft touch of the shoulder, a promise kept – in spite of negative odds against it.  Find your intention among all of your feelings and decide if you want to maintain the relationship and then decide how you can do that.

    You cannot maintain a relationship with relentless punishment, you cannot.

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  • Economy of Effort,  Philosophy

    My Own Vision of Perfection is a Relentless Taskmaster

    March 16, 2014

    I want everything to be perfect, not only for myself, but for everyone that I love.  It haunts me when I am trying to take a nap, it dogs me when I am trying to complete a task.  It has been a challenge to stop multi-tasking, really, it is not more efficient to do two things at one time.  Usually it takes twice as long and one or the other is screwed up.

    For many, many years, I have had to do everything at once.  Efficiency was the most important talent because I could not afford to make a second trip, or pay for something twice, everything had to go smoothly the first time.  Inefficiency and waste have never been an option in my world.

    And now, I cannot let go, like a fighter suffering from PTSD, I cannot give up the good fight.  I don’t want to waste a trip to Publix, I don’t want to drive one centimeter further or longer than I need to.  I yearn for, work for and dream of efficient perfection and it’s killing me…

    Besides the fact that I am certain that efficiency is not as important as I once thought, there is horrible preoccupation.  I am learning how to live right here right now.  Preoccupation is not congruent with living right here right now.  I cannot be preoccupied with perfection and efficiency when I am living in the moment, the moment won’t allow it.

    I have to let go of my relentless taskmaster and it is me.

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