When it comes to the concrete concept of physical health, everyone seems to understand that potato chips, dip and canned sodas are bad for you – I’m sure it doesn’t change alot of behavior – but still everyone at least undersands the concept. Personal growth seems to be a mystery to most parents. Basic ideas like, children must learn that there are consequences for actions, seem to be overlooked by a lot of parents. There is a reason for this, many parents today want more than anything to be “liked” by their children and they equate being liked with saying yes. This is a terrible mistake. It’s part and parcel to the economic hardship we face today. It leads to empty consumerism which has no good ending.
I think parents do this because they don’t want to face the consequences for saying no. Children punish their parents when their parents say no. This is negative reinforcement, because parents will jump through financial, emotional and mental hoops just to keep their child happy, to keep their child from exhibiting bad behavior because the child cannot have their way. How unfortunate. These children will not understand the conepts of coping or discipline, they make poor workers in the work force and they invariable struggle terribly with college. They just never got external discipline and internal discipline is an elusive concept for them. If you want your child to have personal growth, to grow emotionally and mentally, you must allow disappointment, sadness and responsibility to play a significant role in your parenting of them. You must pay attention to their development and increase expectations as they get older. A child of 6 should have a habit of brushing teeth daily and that habit should be well ingrained. A child of 8 should expect to complete homework on a regular basis, possibly not independently, but surely it is part of the routine.
The flip side of this is that true parenting takes quite a bit of work, certainly more personal, emotional and mental work than the “yes” parenting approach. It is work – that perhaps is unexpected or unclear. But the old cliche that children do not come with directions is quite untrue. Barnes & Noble and Borders and any other bookstore on the planet will bear witness to that. When I was very young I went to the same parenting class twice, just in case I didn’t get it the first time. I’ve often wondered why those classes are not packed. Parenting is a tedious and arduous process and it is not for the cowards of the world – if parenting is to be done well, it must be done with effort and courage. Some times parenting is completely unpleasant, if for no other reason than because your teenage daughter wants to go out on a date when she is 14 and she hates you because you know better than to allow it. Parenting is unpleasant because it is easier to do the dishes myself than to make the kids do them and teach them – very carefully – how to do a good job. Kids don’t want to do a good job, after all you are making them complete an unpleasant task.
While we cannot ask them to have awareness of electricity bills, we can carefully explain the financial and ecological cost of energy. We can require our children to behave appropriately by turning off lights when they leave a room. We cannot ask them to have awareness of the world of business, but we can require them to act politely to others at school and to perform work that is age appropriate for them.
To “make children happy” is a slippery slope that ends with ineffective and undisciplined young adults who are doomed to failure because of their own inability to cope with disappointment, perform quality work and to be responsive to other peoples needs. Perhaps you know some adults like these – and though their parents made a valiant effort to “make them happy”, they never learned to be responsible for themselves and that – that is a tragedy.
