There is some science that says folks who don’t have severe hangovers are more likely to become alcoholics. Well I’m one of those people who have severe consequences and I just cannot drink. So addiction to alcohol – or really anything- has just not been my thing. However, I can say that the disease of denial has firmly entrenched itself into my life, in oh so many forms. One, I am guilty of believing that I KNOW how to raise kids and there is this specific formula that is correct from diaper to college and only I have the formula. I developed a know-it-all attitude that in spite of feedback about my attitude, I would say things to myself like “yes they have a point, but I AM doing it right”. So I’m not really addressing my parenting skills here, or even addiction, what I am addressing is my forcefulness about being absolutely right about everything I do and say.
Now the truth is, we as humans, will only think and do things that we believe are right. In all of those TV shows about criminals, you will always hear some justification from the criminals for their horrendous acts. That is the mind manufacturing evidence to justify their actions. As humans we want to be right. Being right allows us to march on continuing our activities, good, bad and ugly.
I have brought a “force” with me to everything I do. I needed that force when I was raising all of those kids. It takes tremendous strength and energy to herd so many young people around. I needed that force to be a fierce protector, many of those years I was a single parent, so strength of will was critical. That “force” is all unnecessary now. These people that I was raising and protecting are all grown up. They actually need to spend some of their time protecting me… So here I am with all of this righteousness and force with nothing to apply it to. I don’t even know how to raise children anymore. My kids, who have kids, are teaching me a thing or two about the flexibility of parenting. They are demonstrating to me cool new ways of raising kids that do not require many of the things that I absolutely insisted on. The sky is not going to cave in if a child drinks some Sprite, hell is not going to overflow with brimstone if the laundry is not completed on schedule. Most importantly; learning to trip, fall and cope with it is a necessary basic of becoming adult. I know that I preached allowing consequences, but that’s where the denial is hot and heavy for me. I wanted to protect my children and I kept on holding their hands, trying to ameliorate any hurt and remove any obstacles to their happiness.
What foolishness I have practiced. It’s not like I wasn’t challenged. Those who challenged me received such angry rebuttals, because of that “righteousness” bubble that I have resided within. I see now, in the 20-20 hindsight type of vision – that people will only challenge me because they love me. Who would tangle with the tigress if they didn’t give a damn about the tigress?
Like the addict living through the intervention, I have clawed and maimed the people who love me the most. I can’t completely surrender, because living through what others think of my life is just not my style. I do have to come to grips with this new perspective. People who challenge me do it out of care and concern for me. If the same theme repeats itself over and over again with different folks the probability that I am living in denial is close to 100%. So, was I wrong all those years utilizing my “force” to raise kids? No! Things change, time changes, raising children right now is very different than raising children 25 years ago. We did what we did and these new parents are doing a darn good job.
My place in the universe is different, it is I who must move on and let go of what was. That requires that I hear the challenges that others throw my way and that I respect that only those who love me will throw those challenges at me. I don’t want to be like those people I know who – in positions of power – surround themselve with sycophants who wouldn’t dare give honest feedback. I want to be surrounded by people who love me, who will challenge me and who will keep me out of denial and firmly fastened to the path of truth and honesty.
