Love and Relationships

Dichotomy

In my personal relationships, when arguing, I am eloquent and profound.  When I am “right” I can be immensely stubborn and I will stomp around in my own little angry universe having thoughts of righteousness.  I can hang on to those angry feelings for days.  Most of it is hurt, of course.  Even though I am tough and brave, I’d rather pout than go into another hurtful discussion.  There is the explanation for the pouting, I am holding a shield out to say, “not only am I right, but I don’t want you to talk to me anymore!”

Maybe because I have passed the age of 50, maybe because I cherish my personal relationships more than anything else – or maybe – I’ve grown up, I don’t know.  Here is the thing, I do not want to stomp around angry for days anymore.  This whole study in the art of being here now requires me to examine every moment in time for how I feel at this moment. Yes, we argued yesterday, but at this moment I just want to be cuddled and kissed.  Forget about being righteous, forget about stomping around and pouting.  It is not worth losing out on cuddles and kisses!

The dichotomy is this: I am much less likely to excuse and ignore misconceptions and misunderstandings.   I speak up!    I won’t be treated badly, nor will I compromise myself.  In this way however, I am more stubborn, because I don’t give up on what I need.  I keep expressing what I need.  So clearly, I will communicate often, just don’t expect fits, stomping around or power plays.  Nor am I willing to “leave things be.”  I can be as diplomatic as the next person, not when it moves past diplomacy to a compromise of me, I have to say so.

Living right now is a huge challenge.  I like it because I have so much great freedom.  There is no such thing as avoidance, it all must be dealt with.  So – be here now, and get some cuddles – if you’re lucky.

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