I Thought Only Adults Did That…

I’m moving to Virginia, for the first time in my life I am leaving Florida.  For several years now, I pick up my granddaughter Cadence on Friday afternoon and spend 24 hours with her.  I don’t know why we started it, but she was barely two at the time.  Now she is past six years old and after September I won’t be able to pick her up after school on Friday.  Her father, who is my son Russell, has custody of her and for this reason and for many other reasons, he is not happy with my decision to move.  He called me yesterday (and we haven’t spoken all week) to tell me that I must speak with Cadence about my decision, inside I am wimpering and I ask him for time.  Russ says to me “I want you to talk to her now mom, so that we can work it all out by the time you move.”  I trust Russell’s intuition particularly as it relates to Cadence, and so I acquiesce.  I am very anxious about talking to her and so I am waiting for her @2:00, even though school does not let out until 2:15.

Over the years Cadence and I have established many rituals.  Sometimes the rituals come and go, for example there was a time when I had to brush her hair every night.  When she was a toddler we took baths together and always on Saturday afternoon we would nap together, after all, who needed a nap more than me?  As she has gotten older the rituals change, now we snack together, now I keep small chocolates in my night stand drawer that she assiduously negotiates for.  Now we “talk” every Friday afternoon on the way home from school.

And so I tell her, “Gramma is moving to Virginia”, she looks a little worried and I am sure that I looked a lot worried, she frowned and asked “How long will it be before I see you again?”  I bald faced lied and said “oh maybe a month.”  Now I know that I am not returning until Christmas and Christmas is almost four months away, but I lied anyway and then I rushed on with “when I come home, I have to sleep in your bed, because I won’t have a house here anymore.”  She shrugged and frowned and then proceeded to argue with me about how big her bed is (full sized).  She shrugged and said “it’s alright Gramma, I’m going to go to my mom’s more and do things with my dad.”

All the way home I was so relieved, I really thought that I was going to cry when we talked about it. As often happens on Friday afternoon, she fell asleep in the back seat of the car, and as is our ritual, I carried her inside and put her on the couch.  Everything was fine for about an hour.  She woke up upset, insisted on taking a bath.  Then she wanted me to take a bath with her – we haven’t done that in a long time.  Then this six year old who always wants to be “thrown” on the bed in her big cuddly towel asked me to just hold her and rock her and so the afternoon went…Cadence hanging on top of me, asking me to brush her hair, pat her back and on and on.

And I guess the thought that hit me was, she is acting like so many adults that I know.  She is holding her hurt feelings inside and communicating in a way that allows HER not to cry.  She is putting on a good front while she processes how our relationship will change.  That little shrug in the car and those words “it’s alright gramma” were all just show.  In the meantime, she is letting me know in her own inimitable way that it hurts.  I thought only adults did that…