Sometimes, there are people for whom you – you – as a human being – do not exist. These people have a story in their head about your relationship and they live out the relationship with the story that is in their head, NOT with you, the person. There are some subtle and some not so subtle ways that you can tell that this is going on in your relationship. If your partner is outraged with your response to a boundary issue, then your partner is living with someone created in his/her head, rather than with you. “How could you go out with friends, you’re supposed to spend your time with me!” (Stomping of feet, furrowing of brow.) This kind of relationship always misses the mark, you will have a discussion and feel lost in it. You won’t get any validation here either, how can you be validated when you are only a story in someone’s head? If validation occurs it is because you match the “imaginary” friend in some way, not because of who you are.
The other type of person that you can teach nothing to, is the narcissistic or otherwise personality disordered individual. This person, while self-centered, is not stupid. This person is capable of playing the relationship game to a certain extent. That extension stops as soon as the relationship is not serving their needs and wants. They will listen and nod their head, but their focus is so entirely pressed inward that it is difficult to hear anything except for their own screaming wants. Eventually they ruin all relationships because the thin veneer of social affability wears off. The pressure for them to get their own needs met overrides any petty needs of another.
You can teach either of these people all you wish, but it doesn’t matter because they will never learn. So next time you start beating yourself up because you are taking all of the blame for your relationship, get real. Can you really MAKE someone treat you right? Yeah, yeah I know, you can spoil people or not, but really, can you teach someone to authentically participate in an equal relationship with you? Nah, I don’t think so. Be responsible and be careful and don’t let the “imaginators” and the “sociopaths” into your life in the first place.
