Molly’s Note and My Grief
9/30/10 – Midnite
This is a time of year that is very emotionally charged for me. Mama’s birthday is 9/28 and ever since mama passed away, I can get fussy around this time. Now my foster son and daughter-in-law have decided to move 3000 miles away and it is a decision that they make on purpose – and because I feel grief about this decision, it makes me think of mama and then of course, I think of Travis. Travis, the father of all of these kids…
Grief is an odd emotion, I say that it is an emotion that “comes upon me”, it sweeps me into a vortex that I do not know is coming. Sometimes, around mama’s birthday, I will brace myself for the grief and it does not come, and then one day that is of no matter, the grief will come and wash me away. I cannot say when grief will come, or when it will go.
So it is, that this day I reflect on Molly’s note – as she tells me good bye – and I must feel my grief for a separation that is chosen. Because Mark & Molly purposefully wish to leave, my grief is shaded with anger. This reminds me of how I felt when Travis died, because it seemed so unnecessary for him to die so young, so quickly, so unexpectedly of his “one and only” heart attack. See, as much as I miss mama, I felt that her death was probably unavoidable, hence no anger accompanied my grief. Not so with Travis’ death, for him, I felt intense anger, anger that he did not take care of himself, anger that his family was not enough motivation for him to care for himself and finally, anger that he would dare abandon us!
Ack – I know – a separation is not death! It’s just that, when Rhea moved 842 miles away, I knew that she did it necessarily and so I was not angry. I am angry with Mark & Molly for unnecessarily leaving me. They are choosing to be away from me, choosing to allow me to miss their lives. Two weeks ago, I spent 3 wonderful days with my stepdaughter, who necessarily left me and got married. I proceeded to miss my stepdaughter’s children, proceeded to miss my stepdaughter’s evolution into a beautiful woman. I missed all of that and I grieve for that. Why must I grieve more? Why must I grieve for Mark & Molly?
So for those separations that I deem necessary, I am not angry – but always – the grief is there. But here, here is the other piece: I love them, all three of them, Mark, Molly and their beautiful daughter Lily. Who am I to selfishly hold my family to me? Who am I to with-hold a beautiful universe from them? What matter is my emotion to the actions of my kids? I do not think they dismiss me, but truly, can you drive your life based on the emotions of your parents, children or siblings? No, of course you cannot. You must “drive” your life based on your compass, based on your direction, based on who you are.
To Mark & Molly; I salute you! Good for you for being so brave! My grief will wax and wane, my anger will surely wane, but the emotion that will never change is my love. My love just stays there in my heart for you and it will be there in my heart when you return. In the meantime, I hope that I do not miss too much.
