• Love and Relationships

    Judgmentalness – Is That A Word?

    April 18, 2013

    What is the distance between derogatory comment and contempt?  What then, is the distance between contempt and separation?

    I feel so strongly about this for a couple of reasons:  I have long been against triangulated communication and I have long been against judgmentalness, put-downs and other derogatory types of communication.  When you agree with someone who is being negative about another person, you are ‘signing off’ on the means in which they communicate.  You are agreeing that it is alright to NOT be direct in your communication and you are ‘signing off’ on this negative.

    When negativity goes unchecked, un-remarked upon and unquestioned it blooms into an unearthly and overwhelming jungle that is dangerous to traverse.  It is a jungle that does harm and withholds nourishment from inhabitants.

    Part of what is wrong with negative communication is the witnesses’ inability to call the person out on their negativity.  I think if the comment dies its own death, fine, but when the comment gets nourished by a listening and supportive ear, the negativity gains power and it is power that is destructive.

    So when your sister says to you “our sister is so selfish, it is ridiculous” and what your sister really means is “I am becoming overwhelmed with our sister’s needs”, if we, the unwitting audience allows the first sentence to stand without gaining any real information about what is really going on – then we give power to dislike, argumentiveness and hurtfulness.

    These situations can become durable and can even separate families.  Part of the issue, is – of course – the judgmental complainer – however!  The other part of the issue is the willing audience that signs off on judgmental and mean spirited complaining, someone who does not encourage open and honest two – way communication.  Triangulation is never healthy, unless and until it is followed up with honest and forthright two-way communication.  If it is not, and the disloyalty stands, then loyalty itself becomes suspect.

    We end up creating unhealthy collusions that are destined for disaster.  Make no mistake about it; negativity running amuck is damaging and hurtful…

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  • Economy of Effort,  Management

    Did I Just Speak English? And Other Inconsistencies of Communication

    April 8, 2013

    I don’t know why, and I do not know if I am contributing to the cause, but it seems that an overwhelming number of people that I speak to repeat themselves over and over again, or say things that they know I know – over and over again.  I don’t understand this.  I will be in a meeting with someone and that someone can come out of the meeting and then stand there and try to tell me what was said in the meeting.  These are simple concepts and I do not understand why folks have a need to re-iterate them.  There is a smugness and self-important stance on the face of so many.  Why?  We haven’t done anything fabulous, or popular or even good.  We are just working, we are getting our jobs done and we are going about our business.  What is the need for continual re-emphasis on something that has happened in the past?  What is the importance of re-saying something and then pretending wisdom or knowledge?  Why is there a need to restate every issue that has ever occurred to you that was even remotely related to now?  Why?  I cannot stand redundancy and redundancy seems to chase me, everywhere and with everything.  Is it because I dislike it so much?

    Sometimes, I think that people believe that the past is a guide to the future.  I do not think that this is true at all.  We live in a real world, that is, for the most part, mundane.  Telling me how you kept paper files and organized your life 20 years ago will not help me now.  This may give me some insight as to why the young do not listen to the old.  The young may be tired of hearing the same things over and over again and they may be tired of hearing about antiquated systems that are not relevant by today’s standards.

    So, I would say this: in order to give away your wisdom, you must first rid yourself of your smug redundancies.  You have many things that are good and right to share, but you cannot define them, only your audience defines them.  To give your wisdom to others, assure yourself that you are not just complaining for complaints sake and that you honestly offer something to be in service to another.  We may be correct, we may be right – but if our words are ill received – they fall on deaf ears and therefore are not heard.

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  • It is What it is...

    How You Are and other Observations

    April 4, 2013

    Imagine living a life, growing up in an environment where everything you say, must be wrong.  When you speak to your parents they listen intently waiting for the moment when they will find the error in your thinking or in your speaking.  On the outside, it looks as if your parents are very interested in what you are speaking about.  But it is not true, they are simply predators looking for a way to build their own egos substantively by making sure that you understand that YOU have made a mistake, or, are engaging in wrong thinking.

    You might grow up to be very much like them.  You might begin to speak only as a matter of finding a way to repudiate the error in everyone’s thinking.  You are right; you know this, because you have thought about it.  You pounce on any opportunity to show someone the error of their ways.  Your ego is gigantic because your own thinking can reason out so many ways to show others’ mistakes.  You look around, you are alone…

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  • Philosophy

    While it is Wonderful to Believe in Goodness, it is not so Wonderful to be Gullible

    March 24, 2013

    We want very badly to believe what our loved ones tell us.  We want to believe what people tell us.  It helps us to feel safe when we believe in others.  We can walk out into the world and the world will treat us well.  We can be vulnerable with our family and our family will protect us and keep us well.

    It is good and right to believe and feel this way.  We must also trust ourselves above all others.  Our instincts will always tell us the truth.  Our instincts live in a deeper place inside us than our desires or wishes do.  Our instincts tell us the truth without fail.  If we use our instinct to guide us through doubt, we will not be gullible and we can still believe in the goodness of the world.

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  • Economy of Effort,  Hmmm...

    I Used My Intellect

    March 10, 2013

    To be right.  And just as embarrasingly I have used my hobbies to claim immortality.  I have been justifying my need to collect coins because I believe that in 100 years our world will be bereft of computers and back to concrete things, like coins.  I thought that if I collected enough coins my descendants would make me immortal with their gratefulness.  My coins would save my descendants from certain starvation and they would love and revere me.  Ridiculous.  Just like using my intellect to overpower an opponent in an argument, so that I could be right.  Being right is a fool’s game.  You have to make someone be wrong, in order to be right.  How is THAT a GOOD thing?  How would my towering intellect grinding someone to dust, ever be a GOOD thing?

    I started this journey more than four years ago.  My goals included understanding a ‘real’ reality.  I think I am getting there.  It is painful, definitely that…

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  • Economy of Effort

    There are Four Things I want You to Try:

    March 2, 2013

    1. Kindness – kindness ALWAYS works to resolve any problem, use it; it makes conflict resolution so much easier.

    2. Direction B4 Correction – don’t chastise people for doing something wrong when they don’t know HOW to do it right.

    3. Resolve – good, bad or indifferent, come up with a resolution, don’t leave it “up in the air” for later interpretation.

    4. My mother used to say “there is nothing new under the sun”.  It’s true; talk with someone before you come up with a solution, someone else has solved the very same problem many times over.

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  • Baby Boomers,  Economy of Effort,  Womens Issues

    I Read all the Cool Magazine Stuff

    February 24, 2013

    Yet, I do not need to de-clutter, get organized or redo anything.  I have always been a very practical woman and in the last couple of years it has really paid off.  What I have drug around the countryside with me are my memories, Patsy’s portrait, pictures of the kids and Ella Mae’s china.  There are no piles of extra clutter to donate to a needy family.  There is just what makes my family comfortable and what feels good to look at every single day…

    I am not one of those people who wasted a lot of money on the latest gimmick, or the latest fashion.  That is not to say, I have never wasted money, I am just saying, I do NOT have a lot of stuff laying around the house.  What I am realizing at this late great date, is that I am not suddenly going to become anything.  I know what I like, what is important to me and what I will treasure.

    Here is the thing: I love my family.  My most important goal in life is to be with my husband and be available as a friend, mother, sister to the rest of my family.  My best celebration is a celebration where the kids show up.  My best happiness is a vacation with the man I love, my husband.  I am not going to suddenly develop into a famous author, a songwriter, a wealthy artist – or anything like all of that.  I am and will always be, a woman who wants her family to be safe and happy.

    You are wondering – what started this conversation?  As is so often the case, Oprah started this conversation.  There have been so many magazines that lead with the ‘get organized’ and the ‘de-clutter’ schema.  I just wanted to say that the magazines have been saying the same thing for the last 15 years.  There is this romantic notion that something will “fix” us.  What I am saying is that I don’t need fixing.  It may be my age, but I am saying, enough already!

    I am a whole and complete woman as a I am, I do not need fixing, organizing or re-arranging.  It’s okay, I’m very grateful for just living and for being with people that I love – often.  So please stop with the improvement campaign.  We are okay, we are all okay.

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