• Baby Boomers,  Personal Growth

    The Irony of the Human Tribe

    Everyone treats maturation and growth as if it is the first time that it has ever happened when it happens to them.  I am guilty of this.  I know this, yet I am always shocked and alarmed when others do this.  We are so much the same.  We spend so much of our lives trying to show our individuality – and yet – we are the same. 

    So our children are not “the” original children.  I think that nature helps us by giving us parenting hormones and these hormones make us ferocious protectors and providers for our offspring.  I do not think that our children are all that original; just as ‘we’ are not all that original.  We are part of the human tribe.  We like being individual and we like belonging to certain groups and this is all part of being human.  Being individual is part of the universal human experience.  Being individual makes us more universal.

    I find this endearing.  I find it endearing that the very thing we seek, in order to be different, is the thing that identifies us as universally human.

  • Love and Relationships,  Speaking as a Parent

    My Sister

    Marriages are always a microcosm for family life and mine was no different.  I have to say, I was so surprised with my kids, all of them… Each one of them asked me “Is Aunt Becky coming?”  Yes, Aunt Becky is coming, now can we get back to talking about me, your mother?

  • Speaking as a Parent

    Favorite Daughter

    Oh my gosh, it is completely selfish.  I love every single daughter!  They are all extremely beautiful, they are all perfect, they are all everything that a mother and father could dream of.  The favorite daughter is the one who loves me, she wants to spend time with me, she is complimentary, she is concerned, she communicates.  She is all that is wonderful about love.  How can I resist?  The favorite daughter is the one who worries about me!  How funny, how silly, and sadly so true…  To all daughters everywhere, how complex, how wonderful.  Be who you are and include your daughterness in everything>>>> Love you!

  • Speaking as a Parent

    Russell’s Mother

    My life started when I became Russell’s mother.  From the day he was born – for the next 40 years, everything I did was guided by being “Russell’s mother”.  In the beginning, it was passionately all that mattered.  I knew that I had to provide stability, continuity and a future.  All of my dreams were wrapped up into that reality, but, always, at the top, I am Russell’s mother.  He was fascinating, mature and charismatic.  At 3 years old, he escorted his little brother to the restroom and he continued doing that for at least another 4 years.  He was the strength of his brother and he was the dream of me.

    Somewhere along the line, I got married, a real marriage, and Russell became the oldest, of many.  He was the best, he is a genuis, he is beautiful, he is responsible, he is caring.  He is the quintessential big brother, ultra responsible, ultra stable.  In those halcyon days, we focused on “the kids” and somewhere along the line, Russell got lost.  I don’t know how, but I lost him.  When I sent him away to college, I was completely bereft.  I drove 100 miles every week to see him.  I couldn’t get past it.  What I could not get over was this idea that Russell had somehow slipped through my motherly fingers and somehow I had missed him. 

    Russell always stepped aside because his younger siblings always needed something and that something was needed from us, his parents.  Russell thinks of others first, and that sacrifice and my ignorance, cost us, at least some of our relationship.  We served others and within that focus became our loss of each other.

    Once again, I grieve for my son.  I am inadequate to the challenge of being the warm and considerate mother that he could benefit from.  I am distracted, lost in the glamour of his younger sisters, working diligently on salvaging his younger brothers.  Again, I am bereft.  I want my first born son to know that I love him, that he is, in fact, perfect.  He is a man that any mother can be proud of, he is a man who deserves his mother’s attention, love and regard.  I will not miss him anymore, I will be with him, I want to know him.  I want my son to know that I love and admire him.  Russell, you have always been my north star.  You are the beginning, you are the one who started it all.  It was always my love for you that motivated me to continue, to do, to move forward.

    It is fitting, it is appropriate, it is the future for you to give me away, the bride to my new husband.  You are the one who encouraged me to look for happiness, to enjoy it, to pursue it.  You remind me of Atlas, at times, you seem to carry the weight of the world.  Please know that every step that you take, every where that you go, you are your mother’s heart, the center of a family who reveres and loves y.o.u. unto all time.

  • Baby Boomers,  Economic Equality (A Goal),  Speaking as a Parent

    Not In My Lifetime

    But it will happen.  For 20 years I have worked in public health care.  Since the beginning of this career, I have listened to dozens of managers and/or leaders pontificate on how wasteful it is to have “silos” of power and money – in other words: departments that compartmentalize job functions.  For example, mental health care does not include substance abuse treatment, does not include eating disorders and further does not address behaviorally induced chronic illnesses.

    Every single manager I have ever met always wants the “other” department head to give up power, thus facilitating coordination and economies of scale.  No one (that I have ever met) is willing to give up their own power for the greater good.  In this country, we waste billions of dollars on redundancy and dis-organization and most for the purpose of power silos, in other words, unnecessary compartmentalization of functions.  People like their power; it is not something that most will give up.

    Here is the thing that I can foresee.  I know young people very well; lots of them are related to me.  I believe that they will change things; indeed, the truth is, they already have done that, no question.  I think that they will change the whole dynamic of bureaucracy and government.  I do not think that they will tolerate the misappropriations that have run so rampant in America for the last 75+ years. 

    I am basing this conclusion on a couple of different concepts.  One is that I see that this generation is very serious about parenting.  The quality of fatherhood has increased because our society highly values fathering of children.  I see young men indulging in their love for their children, whereas their fathers may have shied away from such exhibitions of emotion.  This is good for us.  We are better humans when we share and express love.  Now engaged, it is difficult to disengage.  An engaged father finds it much more difficult to be inhumane to others, read: less willing to cheat and steal.

    The second (two) concept is…authenticity, they’ve got it in spades! 

    My generation (and I am a late baby boomer) were professional fakers, our fondest wish was to compete with the Joneses.  We may have started out as hippies and flower children, but it was a way of thinking that did not stick with us.  Instead, we competed with each other and put on massive charades.  This we did, in a number of ways, including faking happiness and a good marriage, extreme credit card debt and spousal cheating.  All of these processes involve lots of lying, the opposite of authenticity.  Our adult kids do not put up with this nonsense. 

    I am not saying that there is not a huge interest in “getting rich quick” and “rapping your way to wealth”, what I am saying, is that, in spite of the romanticism with fame and fortune, our kids are much less willing to be fake and put on these types of charades.  I find young people to be much more willing to be sincere, honest and caring.  They also seem to be reaching out more than my self-absorbed generation was capable of doing.  For example, young people are creating charitable organizations and taking care of their neighborhoods, not just their homes!  Just this morning I saw on the news, a story about a New York City police officer giving a pair of boots to a homeless man.  When the news anchor interviewed the police officer, I thought, “oh my goodness, that kid can’t be more than 22 years old!”

    As cynical and jaded as our recent presidential election made all of us feel; we can turn right around and within our own families find a great hope for the future.  Our kids are not only walking forward into a future that we will never see; they are also making a future that we could only dream of.

     

  • Management,  Personal Growth

    Yes, It’s Thanksgiving!

    I owe this one to http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20121121152707-101213441-dealing-with-the-turkeys-in-your-life .  I’ve been tussling with this concept all week: and that is, what is the source of my success?  Of course, lingering in that conversation is the twin, what is the source of failure?

    Fresh success owns a determination that is new and young.  As we move through life, we will inevitably face obstacles.  Some of these obstacles will be awful – they will stop us in our tracks for years, where we simply linger in the nether region of just getting through each day.  Others we can navigate safely, moving through the detritus to the other side of the calamity.

    And, as even Peter Guber confesses “I learned I wasn’t in charge of success.  I was in charge of the process that would hopefully yield more success than failure.” Wow.  The economic downturn has taught us a lot and one of the myths that is being overturned, is this idea that “with a positive attitude I can be a millionaire too”.  It’s just not true.  However,

    What is true is this: how I feel about what happens and consequently how I react to what happens is an important predictor for my success.  Having a positive attitude truly does change things.  A positive attitude structures positive beliefs and that leads us to positive behavior, like a chain reaction, you are moved towards happiness in a systematic manner.

    So here is what I want to say on this beautiful Thursday, Thanksgiving morning:  Thank goodness.  We made it to this beautiful island in the storm.  It is absolutely beautiful here and wherever our journey brings us next, we will endure and we will also rejoice.  We will keep on moving, because that is a strategy that does not fail.