Russell’s Mother

My life started when I became Russell’s mother.  From the day he was born – for the next 40 years, everything I did was guided by being “Russell’s mother”.  In the beginning, it was passionately all that mattered.  I knew that I had to provide stability, continuity and a future.  All of my dreams were wrapped up into that reality, but, always, at the top, I am Russell’s mother.  He was fascinating, mature and charismatic.  At 3 years old, he escorted his little brother to the restroom and he continued doing that for at least another 4 years.  He was the strength of his brother and he was the dream of me.

Somewhere along the line, I got married, a real marriage, and Russell became the oldest, of many.  He was the best, he is a genuis, he is beautiful, he is responsible, he is caring.  He is the quintessential big brother, ultra responsible, ultra stable.  In those halcyon days, we focused on “the kids” and somewhere along the line, Russell got lost.  I don’t know how, but I lost him.  When I sent him away to college, I was completely bereft.  I drove 100 miles every week to see him.  I couldn’t get past it.  What I could not get over was this idea that Russell had somehow slipped through my motherly fingers and somehow I had missed him. 

Russell always stepped aside because his younger siblings always needed something and that something was needed from us, his parents.  Russell thinks of others first, and that sacrifice and my ignorance, cost us, at least some of our relationship.  We served others and within that focus became our loss of each other.

Once again, I grieve for my son.  I am inadequate to the challenge of being the warm and considerate mother that he could benefit from.  I am distracted, lost in the glamour of his younger sisters, working diligently on salvaging his younger brothers.  Again, I am bereft.  I want my first born son to know that I love him, that he is, in fact, perfect.  He is a man that any mother can be proud of, he is a man who deserves his mother’s attention, love and regard.  I will not miss him anymore, I will be with him, I want to know him.  I want my son to know that I love and admire him.  Russell, you have always been my north star.  You are the beginning, you are the one who started it all.  It was always my love for you that motivated me to continue, to do, to move forward.

It is fitting, it is appropriate, it is the future for you to give me away, the bride to my new husband.  You are the one who encouraged me to look for happiness, to enjoy it, to pursue it.  You remind me of Atlas, at times, you seem to carry the weight of the world.  Please know that every step that you take, every where that you go, you are your mother’s heart, the center of a family who reveres and loves y.o.u. unto all time.