America is in very serious trouble.
I was getting rid of old emails and I ran through several emails with pictures of family events embedded in them. They are all dated this year and I haven’t quite figured out the best way to store them. There is a reason for that. My laptop has been every where, except with me. My son moved out and he is in college, so the laptop goes back and forth between the two of us. I am not as accepting as I could be about the “dis-combooberation” of life. I want life organized and well planned.
In looking at those pictures in my email I realized one thing. I cannot plan magic moments. Those moments cannot be contrived. They may happen as a result of being with people that you love, doing things that you love, but these moments can also happen if you are alone and at odd moments in your life. I don’t know how these moments happen. I just know that they do and I am extremely grateful for them.
I did not realize how serious this disagreement with my partner was until Friday night. My partner and I were cleaning up after a very small party when I complained that most of the celery and mushrooms were still out, no one had eaten them. His response was “why do you put them out when there are potatoe chips right there?” To him, it is a silly idea to imagine that folks will eat vegetables on purpose. It is as if all vegetables are only eaten if your mother is making you eat them. So when the grandchildren were with us last night and they ate what they ate, I told him “what am I going to do when Rhea’s sons are here and they are not allowed to have soda for dinner?” My partner only growled at me. To be fair it was a low sound with absolutely no anger attached to it, more like a “we’ll talk later.”
I always figured (for at least 30 years) that if you give your kids soda, it is because there is something lacking in you. In other words, you can’t afford fruit juice or you are too lazy to make tea, because who else would intentionally give their kids the evil concoction of soda? Then I remember my mother and I hiding Coca Cola cans under her bed and the guilty, sneaky giggles when we would take two sodas out to savor and share in the afternoon, while the kids were outside playing. It was a fun treat, made all the better because soda is so BAD for you. So, I am guessing that soda may not(?) be the devil’s work. I have since learned that some people do not even believe that soda is all that bad.
So here is what my partner told me this morning, “I only get my grandkids for an hour, their parents have them forever, I want my grandkids to say, I wanna go to grandpa’s house, he has ice cream and candy”. I am thinking to myself that I want nothing more, and that there certainly is nothing better, than to have grandchildren stopping by, hugging, snuggling, kissing and hanging out talking. I remember my partner telling me once after I explained to him that the youngest baby girl wanted ice cream, and so I asked her father, “can she have ice cream?” My partner said “that’s your first mistake, don’t ask her parents, when she is here she can have whatever she wants.” I remember thinking “how odd”, but now, I get it.
I don’t think so, I think that if you wish to have a relationship that it is sort of like a mud pie. You cannot escape without getting messy. Relationships are all about truth and honesty and the messiness that makes us human. Anything else is superficial. Falling in love requires tears. I’m NOT an advocate for drama, I just know that human emotion is messy, complicated and full of surprises. There is nothing about it that is just clean and sleek and efficient.
I also know this, that in time, all is healed. It is recovery that requires space and time and patience. It is recovery that requires tears and messiness. So I say this; if you wish to have love and have relationships; you must be messy. You must jump in, you do not get away with sitting on the sidelines and judging, you cannot do that and have a real relationship. You can only sit on the sidelines if you do not care for a real relationship.
If you want love, be willing to get messy, if you want relationships be willing to be in it. You cannot have love without the truth and the sanity of being human. Being human is intrinsically messy. So get off of your judgmental fence and get messy, you just may end up feeling loved.
We have a system at work whereby clients can “file grievances”. We also encourage them to communicate directly with the person they file a grievance against. The grievance is a means by which a witness can be involved in the communication. Having a witness helps the clients feel safe about voicing their displeasure with a staff member.
Sometimes I wish that families had the option of filing grievances. How much easier it would be to express hurt feelings with an unbiased coach to make sure that no one gets trampled on. In the mean time, writing and waiting a day helps alot.
Of course, there is no substitute for face to face communication…
The large boy behind her combs his hair like Justin Beiber, and he weighs at least 200 pounds. He stands very close behind the small elderly lady, he does not wish to move away from her. Then, beside him is his 13, 14 (?) year old brother and their 9 year old sister. The four of them crowd together at the reception desk, they have been here before. In a voice that sounds breathless I hear the elderly woman say “my daughter called and said I am at the hospital and they are admitting me!” The receptionist responds as if she knows this family and her response is warm and caring – as if she has heard the same news. Yes, yes, the children have a dental visit today and they will be taken care of.
Now I know why these huge man children crowd behind their very small grandmother, it is because this small woman represents their mother, whom everyone is quite concerned about because she is now in the hospital. As I watch the children lean in and speak to their grandmother, I am struck with the necessity for mothering throughout the times and the generations. As grandmother leans over to speak with the middle child, she says something like “hey, I never get to see you, come talk to me” – he leans towards her and takes his IPod ear gear off and smiles. “I know grandma” he says. From this interchange, I can tell that their coming together is quite unusual and it probably has something to do with mom / daughter being sick and in the hospital.
I know also, that something right has occurred here. These kids crowd in close to their grandmother, you can see that their stability is somehow streaming from her, through her, to them. You can also surmise that these children do not spend a lot of time with this small, beautiful, elderly woman – it is of no matter – because these kids feel completely safe and completely loved while they are in her company. This woman made a special daughter, who ultimately became a special mother, who could pass love on through generations.
So it is that two large and clumsy looking boys and a girl, follow a small elderly woman around very closely and absorb the love and stability of a generation removed – because it is a time of fear for their own mother. Myself a stranger – can see good work done – a very long time ago. Guess what? I do not pity myself anymore…
Sometimes angry words mean: I am hurt, I am angry and I want you to know. Other times, angry words mean, I hate you! I do not know when words will do damage to a relationship. Sometimes they do not do damage unless they are repeated many, many times. Sometimes, the way the words are said they do damage the very first time that the words are said.
I will not save your words and then maybe, they will not damage us.