She: “What? Really? I thought we were going to do those things together.”
He: “Well you can come, I need to get started back and I didn’t know what you would want.”
She: “I want to come; I thought we were doing these things together.”
He: “Please come, you can come.”
The next morning:
He: “So, we are going to the gym tonight, be ready after work.”
She: “Why are you trying to boss me? I’m not going to the gym tonight.”
All rituals that demark beginnings indicate endings and all rituals that demark endings indicate beginnings. A beginning is often known as a rite of passage; while endings may simply be rituals. All such changes involve making relationships different. A daughter becomes a wife, and never again will her relationship with her parents be the same: it has ended in a way that makes all things different. As a wife, she cannot prioritize her parents over her husband. So it is, her childhood vanishes in a wisp of a dream and so many small and large changes follow. This beginning, this relationship with her new husband, is concretized by the ritual of marriage. Because this ritual is well discussed – to the point of volumizing instruction manuals, expectations seem clear and the expected journey is well traveled.
Much about life that ends and begins does not have a ritual attached to it. Ideally, a ritual would ease the difficulty involved with accepting change, but in the absence of a ritual we must reach out to each other and discuss these changes so that we can accept them and pass through them.
In the case of marriage, the prescription for process behavior and the prescription for follow up behavior is clearly promulgated by our society. Other changes, universal as they are, have no such articulated prescriptions for process or follow up behavior. Such is the case with menopause.
With 89 million baby boomers in this country, it is hard to believe that we do not talk so much about this life changing process. There is much to be resisted about menopause. Women must say farewell to the looks of their youth. This is not to say that such women are no longer attractive, this is not to say that such women are no longer “hot”. It is to say that the attractiveness changes in an irrevocable way. There is no ritual or rite of passage attached to this life changing event and perhaps there should be. The social prescription for after-menopause is not a positive one – perhaps resistance of the process stems from this fact.
Humans are beautiful no matter what their age is and women are particularly so. Many societies do not honor the aged. It is past time that we honored ourselves and our age. It is time that we honor this Rite of Passage and claim our maturity and our beauty proudly.
Maybe because I have passed the age of 50, maybe because I cherish my personal relationships more than anything else – or maybe – I’ve grown up, I don’t know. Here is the thing, I do not want to stomp around angry for days anymore. This whole study in the art of being here now requires me to examine every moment in time for how I feel at this moment. Yes, we argued yesterday, but at this moment I just want to be cuddled and kissed. Forget about being righteous, forget about stomping around and pouting. It is not worth losing out on cuddles and kisses!
The dichotomy is this: I am much less likely to excuse and ignore misconceptions and misunderstandings. I speak up! I won’t be treated badly, nor will I compromise myself. In this way however, I am more stubborn, because I don’t give up on what I need. I keep expressing what I need. So clearly, I will communicate often, just don’t expect fits, stomping around or power plays. Nor am I willing to “leave things be.” I can be as diplomatic as the next person, not when it moves past diplomacy to a compromise of me, I have to say so.
Living right now is a huge challenge. I like it because I have so much great freedom. There is no such thing as avoidance, it all must be dealt with. So – be here now, and get some cuddles – if you’re lucky.
Oh for cryin’ out loud, to hell with that. I’m a counselor, I’m a mother, and I am here to tell you, I am sick to death of people telling me how they are going to mess up their life and make bad decisions. Oh and guess what, if I am to be an “accepting” person, I should active listen and allow people to choose. Adults should make their own life choices…What – are you kidding me? If adults could make their own responsible life decisions they would, but they don’t.
I am not going to sit and listen while my daughter tells me about her intention to date a felonious idiot who can’t tell the difference between love and rage, I am not going to sit and listen to my son tell me that I should be more understanding while he messes up for the 400th time on the SAME issue. I’m not. How about this, I’m sick of people trying to tell ME what choices I should make as a mother, friend or counselor. Guess what, I don’t think that my presence should always make people feel good. I think truth is more important than feeling good and if that makes people uncomfortable – then oh well. And guess what, I am going to keep on lecturing my children in any old uncomfortable way that I wish until I am 84 years old. At which time, I am hoping they will have gained the maturity necessary to live without my lectures.
Ever since I quit smoking, I notice smokers more and this is what I have noticed: they are sneaking. They don’t want to smoke, or if they do, they don’t want anyone to know they smoke. Indeed, smokers have their own secret smoking hidey holes and non-smokers are not welcome in these places. Yes, yes, I sometimes miss the smoking club – we were all underdogs, persecuted by a misunderstanding society…
Smoker or non-smoker, my character remains. While I understand that in certain situations you don’t advertise your smoking, I do say this as well: “If in your life, if you should not or cannot smoke – then don’t.” Don’t exist in the twilight area of being a sneaky smoker. Everyone knows you smoke anyway, and it’s a lot of effort for very little pay off. So either be a smoker or don’t.
Characteristically, be Popeye, “I am wut I am.” Declare yourself and be it, it’s the only way to get out of the closet.
Changing to new does not have to mean that anything was wrong, however, it may be our culture’s way of defining anything new: a dismissal of the old. What I have done and been is what was and is not present now, except in how I choose to bring it forward. But while my journey brings me here, it does not promise to fill the here and now with anything. I may come to the here and now like a boat that is washed up on a shore, without a clue as to what to do next, and without knowledge of how to traverse the sand. My experience only tells me how to be in the water. Even if I have to dismantle the boat and rebuild it into a house, I will. That is what I must do to travel northward, it will be done.
For many people, children, our offspring, are major components of our reality. When we make a new partner commitment all of our children and all of who-we-are-with our child comes with us to the partnership. Here is where I believe, we need to pay better attention to our commitments: if my partnership commitment involves all of who I am right now and all of who I am historically (ergo, the same for my partner) I make a commitment to all of that, when I make this commitment to my new partner.
Pragmatically, this often means step-parenting as well as integration of familial values and mores. Who I am individually, may be different than who I am as a parent. My family values may be a “throwback” to the dark ages when children were actually required to eat their vegetables… I may be inept at managing baby tantrums, or conversely, I may be the “baby whisperer” able to sooth any cry baby. All of that comes with me to our relationship.
Within our commitment to each other we must find the ability to commit to all of our partner’s universe. Denying a portion of my universe is tantamount to denying me. I did not pick my children/sisters/brother/cousins, and yet they are undeniably part of my universe. Our coupleness should not be an instrument that redefines that universe. Jointly, our coupleness may make decisions about my children/sisters/brother/cousins, however they will be decisions that we make as a result of both of us “owning” my children/sisters/brother/cousins.
In other words: commit to me, commit to my family, indeed to all of my universe, the entire package. It’s only through that clear commitment that includes all that is in your partner’s universe will you ever be able to be fully in your partner’s universe, otherwise, you belong in the solar system, rotating around your partner, usually judging, always wishing, but never quite all of the way in.
Over the years, I’ve moved, divorced, grown kids up – but the trusty old bank account stayed the same, and so did the direct deposit. That credit union did right by me too. All of my cars – in those intervening years – went through the credit union. Once during a very difficult storm in my life, the credit union lent a thousand dollars to me – and trust me – it did the trick.
I’m moving, and I just moved and I just moved – yes – 3 times in 18 months. Every time I make this kind of change, I plummet myself into a myriad of scary experiences. It’s just part of the deal right now.
For good reason I had to cancel the Master Card yesterday, Dish Network jerked an unauthorized and inappropriate $200.00 out of my checking account 2 days before Christmas. Whoa. So, when I discussed this with my bank, they advised me to cancel the card that goes with the checking account. Okay. Well yesterday I realized that I had no debit/credit card and in my new location, I had no idea where my credit union was located. Uh, no money.
Being the cosmopolitan woman that I am I set out for a previously located credit union service center this morning. The service center does not open on Wednesday until 10 am. Uh, I’ve got to get to work. So being the cosmopolitan woman that I am I search on the internet, using zip codes and mapquest and all of my other nifty tools and I locate another credit union service center. I get into the car, drive into an unknown area and…Uh, it moved. It no longer exists. So here is what I am thinking, it’s the change that is causing all of this confusion, being lost and now anxiety… A simple task like retrieving cash from my checking account has become a difficult half day chore, that still has no results, no outcome, no achieved goal.
It feels kind of like how I feel when I try anything for the first time. There is this energy in my stomach that feels like it is squeezing me. And even though the squeezed feeling is in my tummy, I feel like I can’t breathe. There is a part of me that is panicked, and a part of me that is just frustrated. I start thinking ridiculous stuff, like I have to drive 40 miles just to get to A credit union, or maybe I’ll never find a credit union again! This does not feel like I normally feel about the credit union…Normally, the credit union is like the rock of Gibraltar, it is there, the money is there and anywhere at any time it can be accessed, managed and used: warm and fuzzy.
Alright, so here we are on our third attempt at finding a credit union and therefore accessing the cash…I realize that part of the problem is that in my new location I do not know the “location rules” like the fact that on Wednesday, we don’t open til 10 am. It’s like a new relationship, you don’t know the rules of the relationship until you get into the relationship and make up the rules together. So, in a new relationship you can have all of the things that I am having this morning, false starts, disappointments, anxiety and even panic.
I finally locate a credit union that I can get to quickly, I memorize the rules (they close at 4:15pm) and I am actually able to retrieve my cash. And this is what I think: I don’t like change, I think I would like it if I never moved again and I never want to try another relationship and I definitely will never-ever change banks.