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I’m Your Mother Damnit
Americans are all about independence, personal choice, listening to feelings. When you are an American adult you get to do what you want. It’s an accepted fact that parents are to back out of any authoritarian positions and just “be” and just “listen”.Oh for cryin’ out loud, to hell with that. I’m a counselor, I’m a mother, and I am here to tell you, I am sick to death of people telling me how they are going to mess up their life and make bad decisions. Oh and guess what, if I am to be an “accepting” person, I should active listen and allow people to choose. Adults should make their own life choices…What – are you kidding me? If adults could make their own responsible life decisions they would, but they don’t.
I am not going to sit and listen while my daughter tells me about her intention to date a felonious idiot who can’t tell the difference between love and rage, I am not going to sit and listen to my son tell me that I should be more understanding while he messes up for the 400th time on the SAME issue. I’m not. How about this, I’m sick of people trying to tell ME what choices I should make as a mother, friend or counselor. Guess what, I don’t think that my presence should always make people feel good. I think truth is more important than feeling good and if that makes people uncomfortable – then oh well. And guess what, I am going to keep on lecturing my children in any old uncomfortable way that I wish until I am 84 years old. At which time, I am hoping they will have gained the maturity necessary to live without my lectures.
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Closet Smokers
As difficult as smoking in public is these days, when I was a smoker, I did it. There is a reason for this. I am who I am, and what I am, without apology or even embarrassment. Like Popeye “I am wut I amm.”Ever since I quit smoking, I notice smokers more and this is what I have noticed: they are sneaking. They don’t want to smoke, or if they do, they don’t want anyone to know they smoke. Indeed, smokers have their own secret smoking hidey holes and non-smokers are not welcome in these places. Yes, yes, I sometimes miss the smoking club – we were all underdogs, persecuted by a misunderstanding society…
Smoker or non-smoker, my character remains. While I understand that in certain situations you don’t advertise your smoking, I do say this as well: “If in your life, if you should not or cannot smoke – then don’t.” Don’t exist in the twilight area of being a sneaky smoker. Everyone knows you smoke anyway, and it’s a lot of effort for very little pay off. So either be a smoker or don’t.
Characteristically, be Popeye, “I am wut I am.” Declare yourself and be it, it’s the only way to get out of the closet.
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Christmas and the New Year
There are times when life slows down enough for me to look around and acknowledge the fullness of it in the moment. These moments are so awe-inspiring, because for me it involves a panoramic view of my life. So in looking to the south, I see my past with all of the concomitant memories; they bring forth the magic of ritual, and if dismissed will bring change. To the east and the west are my kids spread wide across a continent of growth and purpose. To the north I traverse a truly different future, one that promises that nothing will be the same.Changing to new does not have to mean that anything was wrong, however, it may be our culture’s way of defining anything new: a dismissal of the old. What I have done and been is what was and is not present now, except in how I choose to bring it forward. But while my journey brings me here, it does not promise to fill the here and now with anything. I may come to the here and now like a boat that is washed up on a shore, without a clue as to what to do next, and without knowledge of how to traverse the sand. My experience only tells me how to be in the water. Even if I have to dismantle the boat and rebuild it into a house, I will. That is what I must do to travel northward, it will be done.
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Committed Again, But to Who?
Couples make commitments to each other and thus gain access to each other’s universe. While it is true that we will normally pick those who mirror our own values and beliefs there is a much deeper realm to be gained through commitment. Our universe is made up of much more than our values and beliefs and includes all of who we are, including our past as well as our most primal instincts. In making the couple commitment, nothing will escape our new partner, our history and all of what we use to construct our own personal current universe.For many people, children, our offspring, are major components of our reality. When we make a new partner commitment all of our children and all of who-we-are-with our child comes with us to the partnership. Here is where I believe, we need to pay better attention to our commitments: if my partnership commitment involves all of who I am right now and all of who I am historically (ergo, the same for my partner) I make a commitment to all of that, when I make this commitment to my new partner.
Pragmatically, this often means step-parenting as well as integration of familial values and mores. Who I am individually, may be different than who I am as a parent. My family values may be a “throwback” to the dark ages when children were actually required to eat their vegetables… I may be inept at managing baby tantrums, or conversely, I may be the “baby whisperer” able to sooth any cry baby. All of that comes with me to our relationship.
Within our commitment to each other we must find the ability to commit to all of our partner’s universe. Denying a portion of my universe is tantamount to denying me. I did not pick my children/sisters/brother/cousins, and yet they are undeniably part of my universe. Our coupleness should not be an instrument that redefines that universe. Jointly, our coupleness may make decisions about my children/sisters/brother/cousins, however they will be decisions that we make as a result of both of us “owning” my children/sisters/brother/cousins.
In other words: commit to me, commit to my family, indeed to all of my universe, the entire package. It’s only through that clear commitment that includes all that is in your partner’s universe will you ever be able to be fully in your partner’s universe, otherwise, you belong in the solar system, rotating around your partner, usually judging, always wishing, but never quite all of the way in.
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Why I Don’t Want to Change
In 1992 – 3, I discovered the magic of direct deposit. After standing in a bank teller line on countless occasions, in which I would count the seconds between each customer so that I could approximate the amount of time that I would be stuck in line, (multiply the seconds X the customers / divided by the number of tellers) I never looked back from the miracle of direct deposit. I also never changed credit unions, why risk it? The confusion of a new checking account, a new Master Card, why take the chance to change?Over the years, I’ve moved, divorced, grown kids up – but the trusty old bank account stayed the same, and so did the direct deposit. That credit union did right by me too. All of my cars – in those intervening years – went through the credit union. Once during a very difficult storm in my life, the credit union lent a thousand dollars to me – and trust me – it did the trick.
I’m moving, and I just moved and I just moved – yes – 3 times in 18 months. Every time I make this kind of change, I plummet myself into a myriad of scary experiences. It’s just part of the deal right now.
For good reason I had to cancel the Master Card yesterday, Dish Network jerked an unauthorized and inappropriate $200.00 out of my checking account 2 days before Christmas. Whoa. So, when I discussed this with my bank, they advised me to cancel the card that goes with the checking account. Okay. Well yesterday I realized that I had no debit/credit card and in my new location, I had no idea where my credit union was located. Uh, no money.
Being the cosmopolitan woman that I am I set out for a previously located credit union service center this morning. The service center does not open on Wednesday until 10 am. Uh, I’ve got to get to work. So being the cosmopolitan woman that I am I search on the internet, using zip codes and mapquest and all of my other nifty tools and I locate another credit union service center. I get into the car, drive into an unknown area and…Uh, it moved. It no longer exists. So here is what I am thinking, it’s the change that is causing all of this confusion, being lost and now anxiety… A simple task like retrieving cash from my checking account has become a difficult half day chore, that still has no results, no outcome, no achieved goal.
It feels kind of like how I feel when I try anything for the first time. There is this energy in my stomach that feels like it is squeezing me. And even though the squeezed feeling is in my tummy, I feel like I can’t breathe. There is a part of me that is panicked, and a part of me that is just frustrated. I start thinking ridiculous stuff, like I have to drive 40 miles just to get to A credit union, or maybe I’ll never find a credit union again! This does not feel like I normally feel about the credit union…Normally, the credit union is like the rock of Gibraltar, it is there, the money is there and anywhere at any time it can be accessed, managed and used: warm and fuzzy.
Alright, so here we are on our third attempt at finding a credit union and therefore accessing the cash…I realize that part of the problem is that in my new location I do not know the “location rules” like the fact that on Wednesday, we don’t open til 10 am. It’s like a new relationship, you don’t know the rules of the relationship until you get into the relationship and make up the rules together. So, in a new relationship you can have all of the things that I am having this morning, false starts, disappointments, anxiety and even panic.
I finally locate a credit union that I can get to quickly, I memorize the rules (they close at 4:15pm) and I am actually able to retrieve my cash. And this is what I think: I don’t like change, I think I would like it if I never moved again and I never want to try another relationship and I definitely will never-ever change banks.
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Getting Kids to be Adults
My sister and I were reviewing our childhood and the question came up “How do you want it be different?” Becky asked me that because I was lamenting the fact that all of my parents are gone, passed away, heart attack, obesity, all of the above. We were also discussing the belief structures that we had formed as a result of our childhoods. From the German side (paternal) we received these lamentations: “Suck it up, Deal with it, Sacrifice until you are done.” From the Italian and Irish (maternal) the exhortations were somewhat different, the Irish were always concerned with drinking and Italian concerned with eating… Always the Prohibition and Recession era people were concerned with practicality, saving everything and sacrificing now for something (un-named) later.From this background noise, I somehow developed a belief system that the way to deal with bad situations was to “suck it up and deal with it!” While I believe there are situations where this can be true and good advice, it is not a good belief system. Particularly if you mix it with an Italian mama who MUST feed her children! What comes to pass is a belief system of self sacrifice and martyrdom, that can be ad nauseam. This is important because beliefs guide our actions of everyday life. Belief tells us how to raise our children.
Over the last month, I’ve had occasion to discuss the current generation with lots of folks. I have discussed today’s kids with professionals, with parents and with step-parents. There seems to be a lot of disappointment and discouragement out there. Kids are uncooperative and appear to lack any understanding of self-awareness and responsibility. There is ravenous hunger among kids for self and instant gratification. They seem to have an uncanny ability to increase parents’ guilt and inadequacy feelings and all for the sake of the the correct and most fashionable footwear and the latest in electronic games. Divorced parents seem to lead the pack in ability to feel guilt, but lots of parents feel guilty about their ability to parent, for no other reason than because they can’t buy the latest $300.00 electronic game. It’s easy to fall into the guilt trap and it’s easy to say yes to your child – even when you know the price is very high.
So here is what I thought after this long, long discussion with my sister and with my boyfriend – These beliefs that were inculcated into our psyche from my generation need to be passed on, not as beliefs, but as coping mechanisms for this new “I want it now” generation. I don’t think that my generation’s belief systems were exactly correct, nor were they health producing. However, I do think that they are great ways to cope. The fact of the matter is that we can’t always get what we want, and we need to help this generation learn that fact of life. On the other hand, I don’t think that this new generation needs to sacrifice everything all of the time (like we did, or our parents did), just to get by.
The belief system of “toughening up” should instead be a coping mechanism. It should be in the psyche on a temporary basis to help us with a situation. It should not be a belief system. As a belief system it is damaging, because it implies that any situation can be dealt with if you just “suck it up.” That’s not true, we must develop a healthy balance of coping with problems AND taking care of our sacred self. We must find a way to deal with the fact that life is somewhat disappointing, yet there is nothing inherently wrong with pursuing the best and happiest life that we can.
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Just Awful
Some things and some people are just awful. It is just the way it is. Don’t try and change or re-arrange what is awful. Stop putting effort into the awful. What is awful is awful. Let it go.
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Domestic Violence
is a crime that has to occur under the cover of darkness. It is not only a nocturnal activity, but a secret activity.
In the light of day, it makes no sense and it becomes truly unforgivable. In the cover of darkness, it is part of the craziness of the night, not so for daylight hours. Uncover the madness, talk about it, take it out of the secret closet. It is real, it is wrong and it will stop. Now.
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Thanksgiving, Cooking and Change
Whoever said that cooking is a “burden” that women have carried for millennium has not ever been to my home during the holidays. At some point in my life time, cooking probably was a burden. The daily grind, particularly when raising kids, can be extremely challenging. What makes it most difficult, at least for me, is dreaming up new and creative dishes on a daily basis. That’s probably one reason why I like Thanksgiving so much, the menu is set in stone and for the most part, so are the recipes.All of that tradition has helped us through all of the change we’ve been weathering for the last several years. You can do all sorts of new and daring things if you know that you can go home and eat turkey in November, every November, forever and ever:] Anyway, back to our home, our kitchen, during the holidays: Tuesday night at the grocery store, Rhea tells me “I’ve got a new recipe for green bean casserole, it’s on my iphone, it is from Rick’s mom and there’s no cheddar cheese, Mom, we’re buying American cheese.” Me, “What, how can that be, why are you changing? American cheese, who uses American cheese on a casserole?” In my head I say to myself, okay, my 30 year old daughter’s husband wants to be included in some way to this long standing tradition. I can’t argue about this, I can’t have my feelings hurt, this is their Thanksgiving too. Besides, my family kind-of crowds things. My family will run right over what people want if it doesn’t fit how we do things. Okay – so different green bean casserole recipe – we try something new. Later at the grocery store, I say: “Rhea, I think we’re too late, the store is out of frozen green beans.” “Mom, why are you being like that, the french cut green beans are right here.” “Okay baby.” and off we go to check out with all of our ingredients for Thursday’s feast.
My son-in-law also wants to contribute to cooking by frying the turkey. Whoa, this is a big change, another big change! Alright, alright. We’ll make stove top stuffing, literally and figuratively. My daughter’s townhouse is a very comfy place, it is two story and we all take off our shoes when we get into the front door. My 18 month old grandson Jaxsun loves to try on shoes, and looky here, by the front door is a dozen pairs of shoes! You can imagine what happens to all of those pairs of shoes in the course of a day…
So here we are Thanksgiving morning and because we have so much to say to each other and because I travel to be with my daughters, their sons and the fathers of their sons – we start slowly. We move towards the kitchen slowly, and of course, breakfast and lunch becomes one meal and we feed the babies and we talk some more. Finally the cooking begins, the kitchen is only 3 feet wide and there are shoes scattered the length of the floor (we know why). The babies have slept by now, so there is no chance of continued slumber. Rhea’s husband is working on the deep fryer, which is out back, while Jaxsun’s father gathers things for us that we need in the kitchen – and of course, chases Jaxsun back and forth through the house. Rhea says “who makes the potatoes?” Jo says “I do, I always do.” In the way that my memory will not retain specifics, but will retain a feeling, I think, yes Johanna is responsible for flavor, which is why she always makes the gravy too. The three of us are in the kitchen, each of us with a piece of the meal to make. Rhea has decided to set a nice table for her first at home Thanksgiving meal. There is much to do. As I prep for the crescent rolls, Rhea begins her green bean casserole recipe, I have finished boiling the red potatoes, so Johanna starts on the mashing.
I pull the baked sweet potatoes from the oven, Rhea says: “Mom, you said they were going with marshmallows on top.” I was thinking of just putting the marshmallows on top of the plain baked sweet potatoes, well why not? Everything else is changing, why not the sweet potatoes? Jo says “Mom let me make some reduced sugar for the sweet potatoes.” “What is reduced sugar, Jo?” “Mom! I’ll just cook and mix some sugar and butter for a sweet potato glaze.” Rhea’s husband is now in the kitchen with the video camera, so now there are four of us and a baby in a 3 foot wide room with shoes all over the floor, “Jaxun!”
So now Rhea gets upset because the green bean casserole recipe calls for canned green beans and I have to ask “who uses canned green beans for anything?” and everyone ignores me – for good reason – I can be very righteous about food and nutrition. Rhea “whines” that she cannot translate our frozen green beans into canned green beans, Jo soothingly takes the frozen green beans out of the freezer to show Rhea the size and to tell her that the casserole will be alright. In the mean time Johanna makes the gravy with self rising flour, which makes it “poufy” and difficult to stir. Now it is my turn to sooth, though Johanna is expert at fixing. Rhea calls her the Macgyver of food and the kitchen. Give Johanna a few tools and she can make a meal out of anything!
There was something special about this Thanksgiving. I think it had to do with the shared responsibility for the meal. I think it had to do with the light heartedness of the participants and the intimacy of our relationships. It didn’t hurt to have funny cuddly babies around too. Change can be good. And really, the recipes can be different too. There really is nothing boring about cooking, by the way, you just need people to add flavor, that’s all.